Maybe I didn't blow it?

[james217]

Oh, when I told her I would not be a backup plan or second best to anyone she tried to tell me that I wasn't second best and she thinks about me all the time and blah blah blah.

I wasnt really hearing it, though. I assume she was just trying to keep me on the leash with that.

Yep you're her security blanket.

You're the car that never breaks down.

O.m. is the flashy indy 500 racing car that could crash at any moment

I been right where you are and you gotta cut it off now. N.C. TOTALLY.

Otherwise your anger and resentment is going to build up man. It consumed me. It made me crazy. It made me expose her to family and friends. Which probably "justified her actions" in her mind.

It's not going to stop right now. You just come on here and vent dude. Don't let her draw you in and bait you like my WAW did.

P.s.

I went on a date today.

[konfuseeed]

Right on, James. You sound a lot better lately... Makes me smile.


So, I've calmed down enough to tell the whole story of what happened last week. Looking back on it, I think I handled it properly, I dunno. Except for starting the R talk.

Honestly, I thought it was time for some sort of talk. After spending so much time together, I needed to know what her intentions, at least SHORT term, for this were. If she was just going to tell me it meant nothing, then I was prepared for that, but I wanted to at least know where her head was at right now.

Anyways... Heres the story.


I originally told her that I thought a big problem we had when we were together was not talking to each other about stuff, and I felt we were still doing that now.

She told me that I tend to be very short with my replies when talking to her, and I have always done that. She said she gets sick of the "cool" or "i see" replies when she is telling me about things. She wants to talk and she wants me to ask more open ended questions and so on. I thanked her for telling me, and told her now that I know I can work on that.

I understood what she was saying, and told her I would very much love to get more involved with her life, and talk about anything and everything with her, but I am reluctant to get too involved in her life, as I am literally waiting for her to divorce me. I told her that since we have started talking and seeing each other again I have tried to hold back as to not get attached because while I do very much like seeing her, I then just go back to my apartment and wait for the divorce, and as long as nothing has changed in that aspect, I just cant get too involved.

I told her that if she wanted to continue seeing me, there were some things I needed. Basically all I wanted for us is that if either of us is seeing someone else (im not), then we cease that immediately.

I didn't demand anything. I just said in order for me to keep my self respect, I could not be with you as a lover or a friend while you are with other guys.

She told me she is dating.

I said I knew that, what I am talking about is not dating. It is actually seeing another person, and I asked again, are you seeing anyone.

She said yes.

I said then we are done here, and I let her know how disgusted I was that she would spend the night at my apt. and have sex with me while sleeping with someone else.

IMMEDIATE backtrack.

W - "Who said I'm sleeping with anyone?"

My reply - I wasn't born yesterday, if you are seeing someone you are sleeping with them, so don't lie to me anymore.

W - I'm just dating him.

My reply - I refuse to be in an open marriage with you. You may think that because we are spearated that means you are single, but to me, it does not. What are you doing is not dating, it is an affair and I want no part of this.

I then went on to use the lines that I would not be a backup plan, or second best.

She told me I am neither of these things, and that she thinks about me all the time.

I told her I could not do this anymore.

She then went off into the usual angry tirade. Accused me of talking bad about her to everyone (I havent) and went so far as to say "And tell all your friends I said f*ck off, cause I'm sure everyone is just going to hate me ever more now"

I did not reply to that.

She then told me that I was just being the same old me, and that I was never there for her emotionally, or physically.

The never there for her physically was a new one.

She then continued to blow my mind, and accused me of having an affair a few months before she left. Totally untrue in every way whatsoever.

Te conversation ended with me telling her, again, that I would not have anything to do with her while she is seeing other guys, and if she wanted to see me again, that behavior has to stop now.

She sad "please stop this"

And ended the conversation.

That was Thursday. No contact since then.

The end.

I'm doing ok, considering. I'm pretty angry and right now and I still feel "done". We'll see what the next few months bring I guess, but as things are now, I just have to get away from her.

[konfuseeed]

Couple points from the convo I forgot to add.

She also told me that while she thought I was having an affair, she lost ALL respect for me.

To give a little more info. The person she is accusing me of having an affair with is an internet friend that I moderate a message board like this one with. She is married and her and I's relationship is nothing more that friendly. Never was.

During the convo she said to me "I always knew you wanted to f*&# her, and I lost all respect for you"

I really did not know what to say to that, except to deny any wrongdoings on my part, and KNOW that I was the one telling the truth.

I also told her that I would be considering filing for divorce myself, because now that I knew of her infidelities I can walk away without questioning whether I was doing the right thing or not.

Her reply to that was - "What the f*ck!? Are you crazy!?"



I guess all along my plan was to just get out of her life... But I spose now I'm doing it for a different reason than originally planned.

[Vulcanized]

She also told me that while she thought I was having an affair, she lost ALL respect for me.

That sounds a little fishy to me. Sounds more like she lost respect for you b/c SHE was having A. (if that was the case)

During the convo she said to me "I always knew you wanted to f*&# her, and I lost all respect for you"

My H said similar to me. I think it's a smoke screen to cover up the A. WA accuses to distract from their A.

I also told her that I would be considering filing for divorce myself, because now that I knew of her infidelities I can walk away without questioning whether I was doing the right thing or not.

Her reply to that was - "What the f*ck!? Are you crazy!?"

Good for you. Amazing how your W accuses you of being crazy. I've gotten the same thing from my H as his behaviour got more and more erratic. The calmer I became, the crazier he became.

[james217]

Kon let me go smoke a cigarette and then think on this entire matter.

[james217]

Right on, James. You sound a lot better lately... Makes me smile.


So, I've calmed down enough to tell the whole story of what happened last week. Looking back on it, I think I handled it properly, I dunno. Except for starting the R talk.

Honestly, I thought it was time for some sort of talk. After spending so much time together, I needed to know what her intentions, at least SHORT term, for this were. If she was just going to tell me it meant nothing, then I was prepared for that, but I wanted to at least know where her head was at right now.

Anyways... Heres the story.


I originally told her that I thought a big problem we had when we were together was not talking to each other about stuff, and I felt we were still doing that now.

She told me that I tend to be very short with my replies when talking to her, and I have always done that. She said she gets sick of the "cool" or "i see" replies when she is telling me about things. She wants to talk and she wants me to ask more open ended questions and so on. I thanked her for telling me, and told her now that I know I can work on that.

I understood what she was saying, and told her I would very much love to get more involved with her life, and talk about anything and everything with her, but I am reluctant to get too involved in her life, as I am literally waiting for her to divorce me. I told her that since we have started talking and seeing each other again I have tried to hold back as to not get attached because while I do very much like seeing her, I then just go back to my apartment and wait for the divorce, and as long as nothing has changed in that aspect, I just cant get too involved.

I told her that if she wanted to continue seeing me, there were some things I needed. Basically all I wanted for us is that if either of us is seeing someone else (im not), then we cease that immediately.

I didn't demand anything. I just said in order for me to keep my self respect, I could not be with you as a lover or a friend while you are with other guys.

She told me she is dating.

I said I knew that, what I am talking about is not dating. It is actually seeing another person, and I asked again, are you seeing anyone.

She said yes.

I said then we are done here, and I let her know how disgusted I was that she would spend the night at my apt. and have sex with me while sleeping with someone else.

IMMEDIATE backtrack.

W - "Who said I'm sleeping with anyone?"

My reply - I wasn't born yesterday, if you are seeing someone you are sleeping with them, so don't lie to me anymore.

W - I'm just dating him.

My reply - I refuse to be in an open marriage with you. You may think that because we are spearated that means you are single, but to me, it does not. What are you doing is not dating, it is an affair and I want no part of this.

I then went on to use the lines that I would not be a backup plan, or second best.

She told me I am neither of these things, and that she thinks about me all the time.

I told her I could not do this anymore.

She then went off into the usual angry tirade. Accused me of talking bad about her to everyone (I havent) and went so far as to say "And tell all your friends I said f*ck off, cause I'm sure everyone is just going to hate me ever more now"

I did not reply to that.

She then told me that I was just being the same old me, and that I was never there for her emotionally, or physically.

The never there for her physically was a new one.

She then continued to blow my mind, and accused me of having an affair a few months before she left. Totally untrue in every way whatsoever.

Te conversation ended with me telling her, again, that I would not have anything to do with her while she is seeing other guys, and if she wanted to see me again, that behavior has to stop now.

She sad "please stop this"

And ended the conversation.

That was Thursday. No contact since then.

The end.

I'm doing ok, considering. I'm pretty angry and right now and I still feel "done". We'll see what the next few months bring I guess, but as things are now, I just have to get away from her.

Well you set some boundaries. You kept your cool it seems. This is a tough sitch man. I know I've been there.

It was NOT FUN when I found out WAW was doing all those disgusting things but what can I do about it.

I think you're doing fine. I would advise you to keep your distance and stay N.C./DARK for awhile so that you don't get attached all over again (like I did) and suffer anymore hurt.

It won't be days or weeks. Might not even be a month for her to stop doing what she is doing.

I finally went out on the date because I just needed to get out there man. It's nothing serious. I'd advise you to do the same.

Just get out. Have some fun. I'm trying to and trust it's not easy at all.

One day at a time man

[konfuseeed]

I am in full on anger mode right now. I find myself sincerely wishing for her to be miserable.

Thats not healthy.

I wrote up a big long letter to her, and considered posting it here, but I don't see the point in sending it.

It was basically just me telling her that she is dead wrong about me having an affair, and then I go off about how disgusted I am with her and her actions and how I have no desire to see her again, much less remain married to her.

Probably not worth even saying, at this point.

[Vulcanized]

I am in full on anger mode right now. I find myself sincerely wishing for her to be miserable.

Thats not healthy.

I wrote up a big long letter to her, and considered posting it here, but I don't see the point in sending it.

It was basically just me telling her that she is dead wrong about me having an affair, and then I go off about how disgusted I am with her and her actions and how I have no desire to see her again, much less remain married to her.

Probably not worth even saying, at this point.

Kon,

I would think that your wife is accusing you in retrospect as a diversion tactic. Would your W have spoken up at the time, if she really believed that to be the case? You know the truth. Don't buy into the b.s. that your W is trying to feed you. My H said the same to me numerous times; smokescreen to cover his own a$$.

Writing out your feelings/thoughts is a healthy productive way to release your anger. It is pointless for you to share this w/your W. You know what is going on, she knows what's going on. You know she is going to lie.

I personally would tell her about due to her actions you have no desire to remain M to her. I've said those exact words to my H 6 times in the last month or so. Must of sunk in, b/c he filed this week.

Hang in there. It's tough, but you'll get thru.

[james217]

I am in full on anger mode right now. I find myself sincerely wishing for her to be miserable.

Thats not healthy.

I wrote up a big long letter to her, and considered posting it here, but I don't see the point in sending it.

It was basically just me telling her that she is dead wrong about me having an affair, and then I go off about how disgusted I am with her and her actions and how I have no desire to see her again, much less remain married to her.

Probably not worth even saying, at this point.

invoke the 48 hour rule. I'm telling you kon you're where I was about 3 weeks ago when I totally made things worse.

I was angry ticked off and hurt. I lashed out and did alot of things I wouldln't have normally done.

She's trying to use your so called "A" as a reason to justify her actions.

But even then two wrongs wouldn't make a right.

You need to blow off some of that steam. How do you usually do that

[konfuseeed]

Thanks for the replies y'all.

I'm doing a lot of good thinking here tonight. I've cried a bit. I've been angry quite a bit, but I feel like I am at least processing the situation now.

The situation is dire.

I have switched from wondering if I can ever forgive my wife for leaving me and "dating" someone, to not caring anymore if I can.

I just honestly don't know if I can ever be with her again after this. I've gone from wanting to save my marriage to wanting to just get away from the hurt and the lies and horribleness of how emotionally draining this woman is on me.

I have 0 trust for her. I don't even know where SHE would have to begin to rebuild that trust, and, quite honestly, I don't think she has it in her to even try.

The fact remains, separations lead to divorce more often that not. Way more often that not, and couple that with a separation including dating and cheating...

Well...

Yeah.

Time for me to mosey on outta this.



The best part out of all of this, btw... Is that I was genuinely starting to feel like she was starting to come around and warm up to me again for real, and then this.

It's so ironic that after 5 months of trying to get her to pay attention to me again, as soon as she does, I find something out that causes me to tell her it's over.