Sandi, I dont know. They haev NO IDEA any of this is happening. That would need to be discussed with the interventionst. That is the point of an intervention. I have no idea without talking with them what will happen. That is part of the problem.
Yes, your husband has a problem but have you *really* done all you can do as far as consequences go? IMO you have not.
You don't want to divide the bank accounts because it will be a nightmare. You have not called him and told him his things are packed and he is to get them by <insert date here>. You become fearful when he prods you to get involved with the legal proceedings for divorce. And you are protecting him so in essence you are also enabling this issue he has.
IMO you should say: H, I am going to file for divorce and no, we will not be working together on the divorce. I no longer will be a part of your addiction. I have divided the bank accounts and you will need to pick up your personal items from MY home by <insert date here>
You don't need an interventionist to do any of those things. This has been a problem for now four years (that you are aware of) as per your signature. Clearly he has no desire to change or something would have happened in therapy by now. You can't change him but you can change YOUR circumstances.
Hi everyone, I just had a breakdown. I was at my parent's house and things were fine and then I started talking to my mom about everything we talked for quite a while about the whole situation (she doesnt know about the sex addiction, though). Then I started talking about how I know that I contributed to problems in the relationship also. I talked about how in the beginning of our marriage I was a very, mean horrible person. I fully admit that. I could have handled thigns WAY WAY WAY better - I basically went off the deep end and I didn't know how to handle it. I treated H very poorly.
Then my mom preceeded to tell me that she knew because H had written them an email back in Dec 08 about how worried he was about me and that my temper had gotten really bad and he didnt know what to do.
I had a breakdown. I was so upset that my mom read that to me. I had no idea that my husband had tried to reach out and was in that much pain over those things. I think that is what he talks about when he says he doesn't think he can forgive me for things I have done. I think I hurt him so badly.
I can't stop crying. I was upset with my mom. Reading me that email didn't serve any purporse. I feel absolutely horrible. I fee like I was the one that made thigns sprial downward - I know he made the choices but I feel like I pushed him over the edge.
I so badly want to call him. I so badly just want to tell him how sorry I am for hurting him. I had no idea. I had no idea it was that bad.
Thats what a lot of this is about. I feel reponsible. I feel absolutely responsible that I pushed him to this place. I can't stop crying. I just want to call him. I feel like I'm in so much pain that I dont know what I'm going to do.
I want to call. I just want him to come over so we can talk. I cant take this.
CityGirl, the reason I am having trouble doing those things is because I feel like I've already pushed him so far. I feel so badly. I feel miserable.
From Nov 07-Jan 09 I was a nightmare. I dont know what I happened to me but I just basically snapped. I yelled all the time. I criticized. I was a horrible, horrible, horrible human being to be around and to live with.
I just want to apologize. I never knew it was hurting him that bad. For whatever reason, knowing that he cared enough to reach out really got to me. Like, he was trying but I didn't even know it and couldnt see it then.
Now I feel even more confused. I want to unpack all his stuff and put it back.
Hi again CityGirl. I think also part of the intervention is letting the secret out. Right now I am keeping this secret that no one knows about. Having his parents know about it and him realize that other people know what is going on might persuade him to get help.
I really dont know what to do. Again, I feel scared and I know that I am operating out of fear but I'm just so upset I dont feel like dealign with it. I dont want to answer his email becaues its too painful and I would rather ignore it for now until I feel more confident in my steps.
I am scared of losing him. I am saying that. I am very scared. And I understand this is a real possibility but I just can't really deal with it right now. I need more time.
This is about enabling an addict. My fear is that even after doing all of those things and cutting him off and putting an end to it that bcause his family/friends does not know about this "secret life" that they will unknowingly be enabling him to continue his behavior.
Can you call him and apologize for your part in the marital problems and ask him to go to counseling with you. You guys have a lot of problems to work out, his, yours and then the marital problems. You need professional help to get this stuff solved.
