Why Bo Peep doesn't work

[pearlharbr]

Does MWD actually believe that Ostrich City is a good idea??

Pretty much. That's the problem I have with the DB approach. MWD and my DB coach told me not to address the A at all--absolutely no mention. That just enables cake eating and erodes self esteem.

MWD does recommend finding out as much as you can about what needs the OP is meeting for your WAS. How do you do that without snooping to some degree?

[Kimmie Lee]

Yeah, that is a huge hole in the DB method. Very contradictory.

Also, that the GALing "is for you." BS! We are then instructed to show our wonderful GALing selves to WAS to be "the better option."

The mind boggles.

[MrBond]

Also, that the GALing "is for you." BS! We are then instructed to show our wonderful GALing selves to WAS to be "the better option."

I think you're confusing the two things. It mentions that GAL is for you. It's to help rebuild your self-esteem which has been damaged by the WAS. We all know what that's like. It's not exclusively to "be the better option". If it does bring back the WAS, all the better.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure why you believe that DR exclusively means to let the WAS treat you like a doormat. It's figuring out what creates the most positive behavior from the WAS and doing more of that. What works for one person may not work for another.

That's why the first thing MWD says to do is to create the list of goals and go through with following them. DR is not a specific 'to do' list of things to do that will get your spouse back.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Thanks for the advice, will do.

[flowmom]

Can any "vets" help Awoken?

I wish I still had input from Puppy, Sandi, Gucci, Robx, or and of the other experts.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1974219&page=2

[Dudess]

Here's an anecdote for the 'Bo Peep' files.

Last night I ran in to a woman I had chatted with a few times ten years ago when out on the town with friends. Back then, her H had just moved out saying he 'needed space'.

We were catching up and she told me that after a couple months of 'space', nothing was happening between her and her H. He didn't talk about what was wrong, didn't want to go to MC, didn't know what he wanted, etc.

She didn't buy any marriage books, learn about MLC or join any internet support groups. She just expanded her social life, lost 20 pounds and filed for divorce.

They divorced, just seeing each other as needed to deal with their children. Eight months later, H said he had made a mistake and begged her to marry him again. She said she wasn't sure but agreed to date him again. She made him start from scratch, and deal with what had happened. After a year and a half, they remarried. Now they have been happily remarried for 6 years.

This woman is not particularly remarkable in her looks, or intelligence, but I found her clarity about her situation quite remarkable. 'He didn't want to make a marriage with me anymore', she said. "It didn't matter if he was in MLC or having an affair, it wasn't a marriage anymore. If I had waited for him instead of moving on with my life, I would have been full of resentment and it would have been harder to work things through."

[courageous wife]

Wow! Inspiring story Dudess!!!

[Truegritter]

That is EXACTLY what should happen for the LBS.

Detaching, GAL, working on you. Letting S go on there merry way.

The only difference is she decided to divorce to do it.

If you do the work then there is no resentment.

The measure of success is what happens to the individuals not necessarily the M.

IMHO.

[Dudess]

The only difference is she decided to divorce to do it.

Well, that is quite a significant difference. If it weren't, then why are so many people not ready to take that step? (Although I realize that some stay legally married for practical, rather than emotional, reasons.)

Doesn't not taking that step send the message to the WAS that "I'll still be here for you no matter what you do?"

She was commited to her marriage, but required a reciprocal commtment from her spouse. She wasn't waiting, or wondering whether to go dim or dark or trying to act upbeat or be the better option. Her self-esteem didn't take a pummeling because she was hanging in there while her H had an affair. (She suspected an affair, which she found out post-divorce, was in fact the case.) I would also imagine that because she moved on quickly and really made him work, to get her back, it less likely that something similar will happen in the future.

[newmama]

and really made him work, to get her back, it less likely that something similar will happen in the future.

I was reading somewhere that if you forgive someone too quickly, they don't comprehend the hurt and pain they actually caused you. Hopefully when they realize, then they won't do it again?