No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[sandi2]

I told her that I love and respect her and her daughter very much

That was a good touch, IMO. It warms my heart when my SIL tells me he loves & respects me and my daughter. Like I said, as long as MIL doesn't think you are trying to work "through her" to get to the W, then she may allow you to get closer. Since she has influence over her D, it never hurts to have her support.

Just be careful not to say too much right away. You'll be anxious, so take it easy.

[MrBond]

sandi,

I definitely will take everything with a grain of salt. I was thinking of sending a similar message over to her sister later today.

Tomorrow we're taking our youngest D to the doctor to see what we can do about her skin problems. I'm hoping they say something about the sitch irritating her skin.

[sandi2]

Just a suggestion, but what about waiting to see if MIL gives you any response to your email? You know women are going to discuss "everything", so more than likely, she'll mention it to your SIL. Unless you think they may share a difference of opinion and you want to head it off.

I was just thinking that it might not look quite so "planned". Just a thought. You know their personalities.

[MrBond]

It's a thought. I don't know if they talk about personal stuff at all. Another reason why I thought about writing specifically to her sister is because she recently purchased a house and was making plans to accomodate my W and the kids. They even had a room set aside for my oldest.

These are all just enabling my W's behavior and screwing with the kids' heads. It's bribery plain and simple to the kids. Instead of talking things out, they buy things or enable each other.

I know she probably thinks she's doing a good thing by helping her sister, but she's never been married or even had a long term relationship, so she doesn't understand the meaning of loss.

What they are doing is re-creating how they were raised. With mostly females and lots of people altogether in one household. Of course my W said she hated living like that before, but now it's okay.

It's almost like they created their own sanctuary rather than dealing with conflict.

[MHL]

MrBond,
Caught some of your posts in MLC and read through your sitch. Just wanted to say you have definitely come a long way and sounds like you are headed in the right direction just not moving as fast as you would like it to move. I experience the same thing, my W makes some positive steps and then gets stuck and/or takes a step back....frustrating as hell.

I too had an issue with enabling on the part of my MIL. I wanted to say something but chose not to and the feeling passes and I get over it. While frustrating I find that most things my W does that "I choose to get pissed at" end up being minor in hindsight and I regret having said anything at all because it is usually a step in the wrong direction. Something I am conquering at this point.

After reading your thread I have got to say you have this much "time in" on your sitch that you don't want to get impatient now. Try reading back through your old threads and you will see how far you have come, that's an outsider's perspective looking in FWIW. Hang in there, keep it up!

[MrBond]

missherlove,

Thanks!

You and I both have a long way to go.

[MrBond]

Well I sent a message to my sister-in-law also. Just to let her know where I still stand in the M. I haven't gotten a response and wasn't really expecting one. Just so their clear.

A few things came up yesterday and will right about them soon.

[sandi2]

Heard any response from the MIL or SIL yet?

[MrBond]

Nope. No response from the ILs and I don't really expect to get one. They pretty much keep to themselves and try not to get involved. Me writing to them was for myself. In a way, I think I wanted to show them that I will not be shut out and forgotten and that this is how a husband and father acts to protect his family.

They've never really had a role model for this before. I'm content to say that I've said my piece and I really didn't care if they understood or not, but it was something I have to do.

[MrBond]

Update.

So last week Friday, we spent some time together with my youngest daughter. We took her to a Children's center to play around and my W was very responsive. She was talkative and again I increased the physical touch here and there. When we left, I put my D in the car and my W actually was waiting for me to strap her in to give her a hug. Now normally, she would just jump into the driver's seat and close the door. On that day she actually did it twice. So a good sign there.

After I left them, I went to a C session and my C mentioned that I actually "looked" great. I guess that interaction with my W had a positive effect on me. She said that I should think back to what I did differently this past couple of weeks that would get such a positive response from my W. I said I think it's just a bunch of actions that built up over time.

Saturday my W and I spent the day with my youngest D again and also had positive interactions. I asked if she could sleep over on Sunday so that when my oldest D came home from her sleepover she could spend some time with us. She agreed.

So Sunday she was a bit withdrawn but overall positive. Another change was that she actually brought a pair of sweats to sleep in. In the past, she would have just slept in the clothes she was wearing. Weird, I know, but it's her shield I guess. That night, I took them all to a new restaurant I found and everyone had a great time.

On Monday, we take the kids to Iron Man 2 and we are again interacting like a family and everything is going great. We go back home and she gets ready to leave around 4. As she's leaving, she hugs all the girls goodbye and just breezes past me to leave. Needless to say, I thought it was pretty rude.

That night when she calls, I tell her about how disrespectful that was and if I had gotten her mad about something. I know I shouldn't have brought it up, but I figured, what the hell.

I told her that since she left, she's been treating me like the enemy and has done it for so long that she has made it become a habit and she probably didn't realize it. I told her I deserved alot more respect than that and it was a lousy model to show our kids.

She listened and didn't have much to say.

Tuesday rolls around and she's friendly when she calls. Almost humble sounding. If there's one thing I noticed, it's that she's lost her defiant tone of voice and she doesn't argue any more. And I do say that I see more and more of my old w back every day.

I just wish there were a way to kick her out of the fog faster.