Haven't typed much the last few days, actually is starting to feel like I'm running out of things to say. Yeah, I was in a funk this past week, but it wasn't that bad, just part of the norm, didn't really dip into the bad place. Still see XW in the weekday mornings and nights, and that pull to want to hug or attempt to connect is weaker than it has been. Did the self-analysis thing the first part of the week and feels like I'm done with it.
I don't know, seems like I'm slipping into an acceptance of this as normal. I can tell you that I miss XW being here with me, but it's not as strong, I can accept it. That desperate need to talk to friends non-stop is ebbing, just starting to feel like, I don't need the comfort right now.
I don't know, has anyone felt a reluctance to finally admit "I feel OK" because it's like - giving in, dismissing the significance of what's passed? I in no way believe I'm done with all this yet, but I'm OK. Not great, but things seem stable.
Spending the weekend with my boys, one of them wanted to do gardening stuff today, so we did that. It was a beautiful day.
I think my biggest complaint right now is that I feel lonely. In enjoying my backyard the last couple of days, it still occurs to me that we bought this house to be together, the stuff we did in the back as part of our life together, and now it's just mine - it makes me sad, but it doesn't hurt like it did.
It was weird to me today, one of the boys wanted to stay home when we were heading out, and I made the comment that "we're doing this as a family." One of them said "then why isn't mom coming?" And it occured to me, that I hadn't even thought of that. Before, the thought would have been there in my mind haunting me before he'd said it; today I wasn't really even missing her.
Anyway, when the boys go to bed and I'm up alone, I do feel lonely, but it's not horrible.
XW will have the boys next week. They're out of school, and she's taking a week off. Which, I'm taking a week in June and in August, and taking them to see family, I guess that's how it's going to be. It occurs to me that, through this whole thing, I haven't gone more than a couple of days without seeing them. Next week is going to be different.
So anyway. Sometimes it feels like the days pass, without any real significance to them. Whereas, when there was a spouse in the house, that made it significant, I was sharing that time with someone. I need to change that thinking.
Also, I tend to wonder if I miss the relationship I thought I had, vs. the relationship I really had. Today was nice; seems like there was some subtle angst that was always a matter of course of doing things with XW, always something wrong...
Anyway. I guess that's it for now. Hope you're all having a good weekend -
