Okay, great to hear from you all ! Been thinking of you all this past week! Waiting for bub to wake up so I can feed her.
So, how to keep a long story short?
first, the birth: Okay, so last Saturday night I start having contractions which are about 5mins apart and last till Monday morning! 1cm dilation only! They were super painful and I couldn't really rest or cope anymore, so off to the Birth Centre for a checkup and some pain releif and sleeping pills. They monitor bub through my contractions and decide we need to get her out as she's showing signs of tacacardia (fast heartbeat due to stress). So oxytocin drip goes in, contractions 1-2mins apart, I want to DIE from the pain so I take the gas, then 5hrs later beg for the epidural. I was so fatigued, and was so OVER pain. I really felt a switch go in my head which said, "I've had enough suffering (this whole pregnancy), time for peace...", so I called for an epidural which when it started working was the best thing for me ever... I was able to be full alert, happy and also still feeling the sensations of pressure and pushing as she finally came into the world. It was the most amazing experience ever!!
Little one looked at me straight away in the eyes and gurgled at me (no crying!) and fed 10 mins later.. I was really excited more than 'in love' for the first minutes, but then the love just started to swell & I really felt this little creature was an angel sent from heaven.
Because of the extremely long labour & my personal sitch I was allowed to stay in the hospital for 5 nights which was brilliant..learnt so much about breastfeeding (it's such hard work to get it all moving in the first few days) and had the amazing support of the hospital staff. Really didn't want to come home!
Bub was born at 3.20 am, and at 5 I felt in such good spirits I sms'd WH and said she was born and he could come in to the hospital right then (he was at home). He hopped to it.
It was a truly bizarre thing to watch WH meet her and attempt to bond. There was something desperate, sad, needy, surreal about it. He was awkward, and it was like he couldn't get close to her enough. It made me a little uneasy, although I know he'd never hurt her or anything. He just seemed out of his depth. And of course the build up to this moment must have been so huge for him.
He then stayed the whole day and it was the first time my direct family had seem him in months.. it was quite awkward and they all said later that WH was not the same person, was an 'empty shell'.
*sorry , I am rushing this post!***
He came 2 more times across the week at my invitation. Seems to love the baby, but in the way a man who has walked out on a life might love a baby. If that makes sense? Stayed those extra times for about 2hrs and I made sure again he had alone-time. Usually ended in R conversations and me getting upset at him. Found it hard to be in the same room and not talk about 'us'. Since so much about "us" revolves around and is intertwined with the baby...
Other things: -he has mentioned going back to Europe in about 3months (but when I had a go at him once, he agreed it might be better to leave sooner. Oops.) - says he knows I contacted a lawyer because after my lawyer comment in a recent email he rang one and it happened to be the same one and they said they couldn't represent him becasue i was already on their books! Can you believe it! - I told him I don't love him anymore. I regret that cos I didn't mean it. -He has taken heaps of photos of her, I think only one of me with her and that was on the last occassion -Keeps repeating he has not wanted to be with me for YEARS (up to 7 years!!). Find that devastating.
My stay in hospital, although hard work and very tiring with all the breastfeeding lessons, lack of sleep and constant activity, was a real haven for me. It was a break from the turmoil of the last 6 months, and leaving today has been tricky.. I am a little sad to be back in the 'real world'. Back at my mums. But even then, although it is not the life I want, I only have to look at my baby girl and feel less alone, and have much more purpose. I think less about trying to save my M with WH, and realise he is definately NOT the man I need today. I hope he could change, and we could meet again down the track and fall in love again...
I need to work on that...
and meanwhile, enjoy every minute of this precious little bundle!
