New relationship, trying 180.

[FindingMyVoice]

Thing is, though, as far as expectations go, I have applied very minimal ones, and I have intentionally evaluated as many of them as I can, to make sure they are real needs, rather than just wants I expect to be fulfilled by the R.

But you do realize that it's ok to have wants that you expect to be fulfilled by the R right? It's OK to want emotional closeness and to expect that for the most part, he'll be there when you really need him, and not fleeing to protect himself from the closeness, rather than being there for you. Emotional safety in a relationship isn't just a want, it's a need.

all I see is how much I'm being hurt, and how he seems to not even address this. Now, when he returns to the relationship, he does apologize, and offers at least some explanation, but it isn't always satisfactory. When he says he has his reasons, I don't push for them. I do think this is the best way to approach this.

This is where I think your thought process might be a bit distorted. And where you need to apply a boundary. If his explanation isn't satisfactory to you, you have to trust that it isn't enough for you, and that it's OK that it isn't. When you don't push for a reason, what you're essentially telling him is that it's OK for him to withdraw from you, then not even honor or respect you enough to provide you an explanation. Tell, me, what is it about yourself that you don't feel is WORTH getting an explanation for being treated like that??

Luvs, take it from me. I've been in an R in which I glossed over my hurts over my H's withdrawal, for the sake of HIS 'comfort' for so many years I ended up with completely shut down emotions a couple years ago. Got myself into therapy because I was so out of touch with my emotions and didn't trust my own thoughts, needs or wants anymore. It's all about self-esteem and respect. You cannot allow yourself to NOT tell people when they hurt you. It will do serious damage to your self-esteem.

If you're being hurt, you need to apply a boundary like: When you withdraw from me, I feel hurt, disrespected and neglected. If you do this again, I will _________. Fill in what you feel is appropriate to the situation.

I think he will tell me when he feels most comfortable...when he fully trusts me.

Luvs, I'm sorry but I disagree. I think you're teaching him (above) how to treat you...I don't think it has anything to do with how much he trusts you. I think it has to do with how much you trust yourself and the R. If you teach him that he can withdraw from you and never have to own up to how much it hurts you, then that's how he'll keep treating you. Because THAT'S what he finds comfortable.

Frankly, I think you could benefit from some self-esteem books, not just all the relationship books! I've been reading two - Nathaniel Branden's 'Six Pillars of Self-Esteem' and Fanning & McKay's 'Self Esteem'. The latter is excellent in discussing distorted thought processes, and the first is a wonderful grounding in the essence of practices that lead to self-esteem. They both have extremely helpful exercises. I hope that's ok for me to suggest to you - I hope you don't take offense to what I've written.

Sorry that's all I can write right now; don't have a lot of privacy. Oh and PS I fully agree about situations of abuse. If there's any abuse, Rs HAVE to end - sorry if I gave a different impression. No question about it!