Could it be?

[glamgirl]

Upside your h doesn't want a divorce, but isn't ready to come home. Sounds like you have given this all the time you are going to spend waiting for him.

See what next week brings. He may want to talk before the papers are officially filed. So MLC, I am processing the divorce papers because that is what YOU wanted. Hello, don't you get it it's not what I want, but you refuse to move forward in the fashion I need for our marriage. Hello! Anything in that head of yours. Upside this so much sounds like my own h. It's on their terms. Hello it takes 2 to make a marriage, did you forget that h?

Whatever happens Upside you will be fine.

Booked flight for CA to arrive June 20th and depart June 30th. Staying at my sisters. Should we meet for lunch again? If so, what day might work for you?

[Cadet]

Upside

The only comment I can make is that when all gets said and done a MLC'er is not going to respond to pressure. At least I will be surprised if he does. You must do what YOU want. To me it sounds like you want to be done. You will get what you want. If you are not comfortable with that then maybe it is not what YOU really want.

[job]

Upside,
I'm sorry that things haven't been going well or as you had hoped that they would be after 3+ years or so. If your h is in MLC, it takes a very long time for them to come out the other side. Your h was inching slowly in the right direction and pressure doesn't work well w/them. They generally will take the route that has the least work to it. I will be very surprised if he doesn't file the papers. He feels pressured to do something that he's not ready to do, i.e., divorce your or to move home. He's still in a funk and has to figure things out.

You sound like you are done w/the entire situation and yet, you state that divorce is not what you want. If you are not sure that divorce is what you want, why did you sign the papers and take them over to him? You could have sat on them for a few days and allow things to settle down a bit. I do hope that he will put them in a drawer and allow them to sit a while before filing.

Is a divorce what YOU want? Are you really ready to move on?

[Upside]

glam-It does seem like we should be able to talk some sense into them especially after all this time but it is true the more we talk, the farther they run. For the most part, I am okay with my H running because I am so tired of everything being about him and what he wants. I am so tired of the way he continues to put me off saying that things will change eventually but eventually keeps being put off. And then when he told me I've cry wolf too many times, I just lost it because he can't see that he is more guilty of that then I ever have been. Anyway, the only day I know for sure won't work will be the 23rd. Let me know what works for you.

OP & snodderly-I have seen for myself many, many times that pressuring my H only makes him run and I know I am pressuring him now however, something in me did finally snap and I can't take his selfishness anymore. I understand that my H is damaged and trying to heal but there have been times when I have needed the same understanding and compassion that I have given him. He is only there for me when it is convenient for him and that isn't working for me. There is a part of me that still loves my H and it is hard for me to just walk away from what I have worked to hold together for the last three years. I know my H loves me too. So, I can't help but look back and wonder if I am doing the right thing. I just can't continue on with the status quo. Even though I am a little scared, I am ready to move on...however I'm not sure I am completely closing the door. I just can't continue to wait to see if my H is ever going to put more than just his foot in the door. Maybe he needs to go off and finish baking on his own in order to learn to appreciate me once again. I don't know if proceeding with the divorce is or isn't the right answer. I do know I never wanted it and I would still prefer not to get divorced...however, I can't keep going on not really feeling loved and appreciated. Does any of this make sense?

snodderly, to answer your question about why I signed the papers, I did it because I don't want to keep doing what we have been doing. I am so tired of having that carrot dangled only for it to move farther away if I reach for it. I'm not sure it is worth it anymore. I have never been a person with a lot of patience and I think I have given all I have and then some.

If I ask myself what I really want, I want my H to be more like the man I married. Do I want a divorce? No, I do not but I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting to see if my H can ever emotionally let me in. The one thing I have learned through this process is that I can't change my H and that I have to accept him for who he is. Who he is right now is someone who is so scared to make the wrong move, he can't make any move at all. I know you think he was making movements towards me, so did I but now it just seems like an illusion...maybe it was just me convincing myself that he was moving toward me. I just can't do it anymore...if he is in my life, I need more from him and I know he can't give it to me.

[Cadet]

Sometimes movement forward is not represented by positives. Sometimes for the LBS'er to move forward the must withdraw and process. Remember depression is a huge part of this. My only last comment to you is if he doesn't sign the papers, maybe you can back off of him and let him bake by himself. Because either way that is what is going to end up happening.

[job]

Upside,
I understand what you are saying, but he can't be the man that you married while he's suffering from depression. People in depression, if left untreated, can take years to have the fog lift completely, if ever.

Yes, you love him and you have every right to want to have that love returned to you the same way, but he's incapable of that right now. The carrot does get dangled quite a bit during the final stages of mlc and it's very frustrating.

If he doesn't sign the papers and file them, you will have the opportunity to just let him go on baking and you remain as you are, i.e., married to him or can you not file yourself? If he does file the papers, the opportunity will arise for him to bake up fully on his own and out of your life. You, on the other hand, will have the freedom to move on and if God is willing, meet someone and remarry. For now, it's in God's hands as to what will transpire on Tuesday.

I do hope and pray that everything will work out for you. It's tough when you are sitting on that fence and not really wanting to be there.

[glamgirl]

Upside, Snodderly is so right about the depression. The depression is what is holding your h back. I can see it so clearly with my own h. Any possibility on having the depression addressed by your h?

I also clearly see where you stand, since I am in a very similar situation. You so want them to make a move, but then they are so self-absorbed and paralyzed with depression to move forward it leaves you thinking what am I waiting for and how long can I hold on. It is such a difficult situation to be in for both spouses. They want to move forward, but they can't.

Is filing the right thing now or do you just need to let him go and you be free to be you without his issues or do you feel you can't really move on unless you are divorced? Are you using the D to try to push him forward or is the D for you to be able to let go? Is the D to allow you to be free to date and move on with another? I think it's important to really understand what the D is suppose to accomplish for you.

A D is not going to magically take away those desires of love for your h. The D is only a piece of paper and you will still need to deal with your own unique healing.

This really is such a painful and long drawn out journey. That is why standing for your m is so much harder than walking away. You have done so amazingly well though. It takes someone of such strong character to stand in the storm for so long.

Do you ever think of yourself as weak? I am having a difficult time with myself thinking that I am viewed as weak for putting up with so much. I often wonder if that is how my h views me too.

Hugs!

[Cadet]

Just noticed in my post that I used the word LBS should have been MLC'er. OOps.

[Upside]

I do understand that my H is depressed. He refuses to take meds for it however he was occassionally going to C. But even with C he continued to still not really look at himself and continually put things off. I feel like I am just an issue for him that he will deal with when he gets around to it.

I pushed for and signed the D papers because I felt like I was painted in a corner and I needed get out. Right or wrong, I am willing to accept what happens. Since my H is an attorney, he volunteered to get the paperwork done. At this point, my H does not need to sign the documents since I am the plantiff. As far as I know, the documents are sitting on his desk ready to be filed if he chooses and he probably will because he is angry again. I have let him know very clearly that this is not what I want but he has left me no choice because always accepting everything on his terms was making me unhappy and leaving me unfulfilled. We at at an impasse and someone had to make a move. I knew it wasn't going to be him and I felt I only had one move I could make.

My H filed almost 3 years ago. He kept having the hearings continued until the court finally dismissed the D. He is doing the same thing with me, just "continuing" our relationship so he doesn't have to make a decision. I know MLC takes a long time but he can't "continue" our relationship forever. The court couldn't keep being put off and I have gotten to the point that I can't either. If I was the one having the MLC, there is absolutely no way my H would have given me 3 years to figure things out.

OP-The way I have left things, my H can choose to file the divorce papers or he can choose to do something about his depression. I believe he will take the easier route and file the papers. I am backing off for now and the decision is totally his.

snodderly-To me it seems like my H has been stuck in these final stages of his crisis. He has kept me close enough to know I am not going anywhere yet he doesn't really move any closer. If he does make a step closer, he quick steps back. I am sure in his mind that even if he does file the divorce papers, he has 6 months to figure this out before it it final. I would be fine if he could figure it out in 6 months however, I think he will be in the same place putting this off until the end with us divorcing even though it isn't what he wanted. It isn't what I want either but I have accepted that things are what they are. We spent 6 weeks apart at the beginning of the year and when we got back together, he said he was ready to move back. Obviously he stepped back from that. I can't help but think that if he knows that I am truly ready to move on, it might help him move forward in some way...even if it isn't with me. Am I delusional?

glam-I do feel like I cannot truly move on until we are divorced. And I'm not sure I will move on and shut that door completely until there is someone new in my life...and I won't be comfortable dating anyone while I am still married. It is funny because standing for your marriage does take a lot of character yet I feel like I am weak because I have stood for so long and put up with so much. I do not think my H sees me as weak, he knows that I love him and that is why I have been there for him. So are you still standing?

[glamgirl]

Now Upside you can just sit back and watch the show. I am not sure what you would call it that I am doing. I do know that my h has made huge huge huge progress towards home in the past month.

This was so unexpected, after I had moved on. So I guess you could say I am in the evaluation phase. Living in the now and enjoying life as it comes. One day at a time!

You may see progress from your h with next steps. You never know how these MLC'ers will respond. Ha Ha!