Can it be...a MLC??

[Stilltrying68]

I thought TGrit's post was hard to read. The M is dead really set me off for a bit.

Then I read the detaching thread, and now I wonder if she is following those rules with me. I am not a traditional addict, but I guess maybe I am addicted to her ATM, or the feeling she invokes or something.

Regardless, the way she acts, because I know she is moved by my words, seems like she is following the exact list of things to do. Makes me sad in a way I have not been before, but I guess certain realizations come with a price.

Thanks to you all. I am going to take a brake and just breathe today. Party for my little cousin's college grad is this evening, so good stuff to focus on.

[ericmsant2]

Still

True is right your OLD M is dead. The sooner you vaccept this the better. I am sorry to say that chances are that she has already detached.

Does this mean that u cannot get back together? IMO NO. What it means is that you must now begin your journey of healing. Your journey of finding who u really are outside of your M. Is this tough? [censored] YES. Can you do it? Yes! Right now I want u to rest and keep your mouth shut. The emotiions that YOU are feeling are normal. Because you are emotional you need need to drink a big glass of STFU (shut the ....). Please Still do not try and talk your way out.

[sandi2]

The M is dead really set me off for a bit.

People's threads get to sounding so much alike here on the board, and we give the same advice until we probably forget to expound on it....thinking the newcomer will know what we are refering to. I think what he meant be this MR already being dead is that your W is done with that one. That one is over as far as she is concerned. She has left it emotionally. Besides, you don't want to have the same R do you? If you say "yes" then you have not seen the problems nor the changes that need to be made.

What he may not have said was that you & your W can have a new MR together. In the DR book, it talks about new beginnings......and having a beginner's mindset. As long as you try to talk your W into entering back into the old M, she won't be for that....but if you approach this as if you were starting a brand new R with this lady, how would you do that? You would be very charming, fun, smart, sexy, looking hot, etc. You would want to be the man who drew her to you. However, you are going to have to do this without chasing her this time around b/c she won't respond to pursuit.

When she sees you using any of your old ways, like trying to fix the old M, she is going to try to get away from you. If you start R talks, she will try to get away. If she thinks you are trying to fix "her", she'll try to leave.

Quite a challenge, isn't it?

[Truegritter]

When she sees you using any of your old ways, like trying to fix the old M

Yes this is what I meant by my post Stilt.

This is hard to hear and hard to accept.

Your M is where it is because of the past and as they say, your best thinking got you HERE.

And you are HERE.

That is the good news...

So...

Do take a deep breath.

Try to enjoy your weekend (what's left of it)

I like Sandi's sig line...

Do what works...

That means what works for YOU.

Not tactics. Changes.

For YOU.

You don't know what that is yet.

When you do what works for YOU then...

You have a shot at reconciling your M.

It starts with YOU.

And THAT is the work we do.

THAT we must do

THAT takes courage

THAT takes patience.

SO be patient.

Ths is a process and a journey.

[ericmsant2]

Still

Just checking in. How R u?

[Stilltrying68]

Doing good atm folks, and thanks for the messages. Found excuses to hit the couch over the weekend in order to avoid the problems sharing the same bed sometimes pose.

I think I first need to stop being so nice about how our future is going to be post M1. I have actually been offered a position in the basement (aka dadland) in order to help keep the house afloat while W moves on with her life. This is oh so tempting, but I think for at least one reason that is not sound. I want to be near the W and for the changes I am making to be in her view.

If I am making them for me only, and I am trying to think of it that way, then proximity really does not matter, but I do have the kids there as well. W is a good Mom, if a bit removed and I agree with keeping the house for financial reasons as well as a homebase for the kids.

She has made it clear, however that I am only there to help keep up the house payments and bills. If I were to go, the house would soon be in distress. If I stayed, I could keep it afloat, but I have avoided arguing this logic, because I have been walking on the egg shells traversed by so many here on the board.

This is the big decision right now. Stay put and be near kids/W, or go out on my own and let her sink/swim, taking my name on the mortgage and the kid's homebase with her. I also wonder if I am in the basement, do I just ask what rent is and add that to child support and let it go from there? We could split bills/debt and start working on getting our seperate funding in order while I hit the gym (broke leg/dislocated ankle on Christmass Eve and just getting free of brace now), and focus on school/work in order to get myself in order.

It is just a big flippin mess atm with so many layers of crap that the W seems to think will unfold neatly like some wonderful rose.

Anyway, no blubbering today when reading your posts, so that is a good start!

[Truegritter]

Stilt

I am confused.

Has your W filed for D. Does she want D?

I posted a lot for you to think about since you got here.

The first step here is to get to a healthy place for you.

Have you read through the resource threads Old Pilot posted?

I would focus on the detaching piece right now and look at the stages of LBS.

As far as staying or going...

Why would you leave your home, your children and your W?

Go back to my first post to you...

What do YOU want?

[Stilltrying68]

I want to save my M. Wife wants D., but has not filed. Wants everything quiet and us to work on it together. She is big on perception of other folks.

I am reading and trying hard to detach. Very lonely place to be, but I know it is needed. I just wish I could have a minute inside her head to figure out what is going on.

Hard to be on here in the evening as the home comp is kind of community property and sits smack dab in the middle of the living room.

I will keep on reading and moving forward as well as I am able.

More later,
ST

[Truegritter]

I just wish I could have a minute inside her head to figure out what is going on.

This is not where YOU need to be- inside HER head.

That is the reason for detachment.

So you stop going up and down with this.

Also

I want to save my M. Wife wants D., but has not filed. Wants everything quiet and us to work on it together. She is big on perception of other folks

What do you REALLY want? You have freedom right now because W wants D.

The door is open my friend do YOU want to run through it?

Do you want to give her that power?

Do you want the freedom to escape?

Look this is tough stuff my friend

You are going to have to look at things differently than you have ever imagined IF...

YOU want this.

In the end you will have to deal with this.

It is YOUR choice whether you do it on your terms or someone elses.

There are no excuses here except the ones YOU allow.

[dl443322]

Hey ST, so sorry you are here. But good for you for reaching out.

These are good people. They will help in any way they can.

I never did figure out if my h is MLC or WAW or a little of both. And the truth is, I am not so sure it really matters.

Because the truth is, this is a journey I was meant to take. And it is one you were meant to take, too.

So, we are all going to talk about detaching. It is the hardest thing you will ever try to do. Everyone comes to it in their own time. You will, too. Try not to worry if you can't do it right away.

We talk about it because the sooner you do it, the sooner you can begin your journey.

The reason I feel it doesnt matter what your wife is and these are my opinions, is that you still need to do the work.

That's something else you will hear a lot of.

So, put the focus on you and the kids. And try to figure out your part in any problems in your marriage. That's the best place to start. Once you figure that out, start to make the changes you feel you need to. But, they have to be real changes. Not to show your wife, but, because you feel they needed changing. Don't tell her you are changing. Just do it.

Next, think about things you always wanted to do, people you admire, the kind of man you want to be.

These changes take time. That's when they stick. This is a process. Slow and steady.

And remember you will be ok. You will. And this is an amazing opportunity you have been given. It might not seem like it now, but, I promise you, it will one day.

So, take a deep breath. Focus on you and your children. Dont worry about your old marriage being dead, or what your wife is thinking or anything like that right now.

Take this one step at a time. You can do this.