Well, about boundaries, specifically, this is an odd case for me. As I said, I see him making efforts in some areas, plus I don't think he can help withdrawing as much as I wish he could. But it still doesn't help the hurt, and I still react to it.

I'm ready to move beyond reacting and work on being a friend during them, even more. It's like I have to shift between girlfriend and friend modes with his moods. And another hurtful aspect, which I've learned is fairly normal for people with his disorder, is to maintain less intense friendships fairly well, but to basically abandon the closest ones. There are fewer expectations and all from those where the connection is less intense. Thing is, though, as far as expectations go, I have applied very minimal ones, and I have intentionally evaluated as many of them as I can, to make sure they are real needs, rather than just wants I expect to be fulfilled by the R.

This has revealed my struggle with the withdrawing, and it's, as far as I can tell, the only one I have. As I said, I default to: this is abusive, and I need to protect myself.

But when I try, I enter that waffling cycle, where when I consider him individually, I can see his needs, and when I consider myself individually, all I see is how much I'm being hurt, and how he seems to not even address this. Now, when he returns to the relationship, he does apologize, and offers at least some explanation, but it isn't always satisfactory. When he says he has his reasons, I don't push for them. I do think this is the best way to approach this. I think he will tell me when he feels most comfortable...when he fully trusts me.

Thanks for the reminder on boundaries. I have discussed them for many years, but it was really hard to apply them in a give-and-take relationship with my ex, because there just wasn't one. And what I mean by that is that applying boundaries with the assurance that your relationship will last is different from if you see that it's heading toward its doom. You can still do it, but there is that pressure there, that this relationship is failing, and so many of your boundaries take on the feel of, "If you do x, I'll...leave you in the dust, bucko!" lol! And with abuse, there isn't a relationship to be had, anyway, until the abuse ends.