It HURTS so bad, desperately need re assurance

[SOTR]

I didnt ask for custody of the twins because I have NO claim to them legally speaking for starters. Second, neither the WAW NOR the H have custody of the twins EITHER. HIS mother got custody of them shortly after they were born , for reasons that are far to complex to go into in this format. About 6 years ago both my WAW and H signed adoption papers , giving HIS mother and her now deceased husband full legal custody of them. I know sandi has already mentioned my four or five disparate threads, so I cant fault you for not knowing that, but I know for certain I mentioned it before.

Of course I loved them as my own , still do to this day, always called them my daughters, albiet if not biologically, certainly in matters of the heart. And YES my WAW absolutely knew that. In fact, she just got PISSED at me the other day cause I called to talk to one of them, since the last time they were here for a visit was right at the outset of everything going to hell and she dominated her time with them.

So I wanted to make sure how they were feeling , reassure them ,etc , without trying to put them " in the middle " of anything. Keep in mind , the WAW gave me express permission to talk to them and " of course you can still see the twins " just a few weeks ago.

Now this past Monday, I call one of them and talk for a few minutes and a few minutes later the WAW calls me giving me an earful about it

[MrBond]

I'm sorry for missing it, but how old are the twins? (Please put your vitals in your sig.)

Well right now she sees you as the troublesome OM while she is with her H. Does she raise that much of an issue when you want to talk to the other two kids?

Have you seen the kids since she left?

[BeingMe]

You're doing the right thing, SOTR. Keep it up! I think your WAW will wake up and will be horrified at what she has done. If she ever wants to come back, make sure she gets divorced, and marry her as quickly as possible. This may be the root of the issue .... she may have wanted you to fight for that without realizing it.

Just a thought.

[SOTR]

Thanks for the kind words. IF we are ever able to resolve this it will be FAR in the future, of that I am certain ! She is SOOOOO furious with me right now over our kids its not even funny. A mutual friend of ours told me the other day that the WAW now " hates me". Im hoping like hell that if we can get court ordered mediation and someone or more the one person can sit in and listen and get her to understand its HIM thats the problem.

I KNOW for certain that she or him or someone on their behalf called Child Services on me the other day and I had to endure a Q/A session and a home visit/inspection. Thats some REALLY low [censored] to pull IMHO. She's NOT thinking clearly or about the ramifications of her actions she's so focused on trying to get back at me.

It really SUCKS to, cause even after everything thats made things worse over the last week, I cant help but find myself thinking about her throughout the day and missing her and our intact family. This weekend is especially tough, we've been going to numerous Memorial Day Weekend BBQ's as a family for YEARS. Thats done now, plus she'll have the kids from Sun 9AM to Mon 6PM. I SOOOOOOOO do not feel like sitting at home all day Sunday and Monday , but Im also not feeling like being at any get togethers watching other intact families and kids running around having fun together. ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH



I HATE THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SOTR]

Sigh............... Becoming conflicted again. Had about an hour long talk with a mutual friend of the WAW and myself yesterday. She INSISTS that my WAW is NOT living with OR planning to live with her ex. Despite the fact that I KNOW he was living at the same address just a month ago, before all this started. Plus I've asked a couple people that are knowledgeable in child pyschology about why my daughter would have made up or lied about what she told me about her and her baby brother and mommy living at " sissie's Daddie's house"

According to the mutual friend, she acknowledged the place was in fact left to the ex, but apparently Im supposed to believe that he moved out, or is in the process of doing so because he is in a committed relationship with another person and the only reason he's there is to fix up the place for WAW and he is letting her stay there and helping her out as a way to make up for how he treated her before 15 years ago.

The mutual friend keeps defending his domestic violence incident with his own sister last year, saying that siblings fight all the time and that doesnt mean he would hit the kids. She keeps glossing over my concern that I simply DONT WANT my kids, especially my daughter, to even be exposed to the possibility of witnessing such a thing. The mutual friend also has acknowledged that H beat up on WAW 15 years ago , but " he was only a kid and people can change" as if thats supposed to make me feel better. Well, how much could he have changed if he just got into a physical altercation with his sister, in front of his two kids just about a year ago ??????

I KNOW the WAW is DISTRAUGHT over my filing for custody, insisting that Im trying to take the kids from her, triggering a flashback to what happened with the twins. This is making me vulnerable to want to believe this story, even though ALL the available evidence points to Im being played for a fool. I cant do a damn thing if SHE wants to live with him. But I cant get my head around my almost 6 year old daughter just making up what she told me out of thin air AND that mommy told her to keep it a secret.

I KNOW that fighting for having primary custody will create a gulf the size of the Grand Canyon between us. But I suppose theres always the possibility that after a few months it might actually wind up with her re assesing what is happening and she might decide to come home and give our R another chance.

The mutual friend claims that the WAW has been told and realized that she needs to depend on herself to make herself happy instead of another person ( me). Further claims that the WAW has NO interest in another relationship with ANY man at this point, because of trust issue related to her past and our current problems. But the mutual friend also admits that the WAW is prone to lying when scared.

Either Im actually being told the truth by the WAW via the mutual friend, the WAW is doing a masterful job of fooling the friend or the mutual friend is not as nuetral as she claims to be and is helping the WAW by telling me what she thinks I need to or want to hear in an effort for me to drop the custody fight.

God this is SOOOOOOO confusing!!!!! I want to do whats right for the kids ( which I think right now is to stay with me ) but I also want to minimize the animosity between me and the WAW as much as humanely possible, trying to NOT push her further away.

Anyone ever go through a custody battle and still wind up reconciling at a later date ????

[knightinneed]

If your able to provide a nice stable home enviroment and give them all the love and care they need, you should go for it SOTR. I agree this could wake up the WAW if she cares for her children, it also shows where your priorities are makes you look more attractive to the WAW.

They need the stability, and well she may yet come around because she will realize she is always going to be in your life for the twins.

Focus on being a good DAD, doing your 180's, and being happy for the twins. As a matter of fact if WAW doesnt come around this makes you look very attractive to other women who come down the line. Women admire a man who puts their children 1st as it shows really good character and someone who is has all their ducks in a row.

Think about that? I am in the same position, because my WAW is not honestly capable of raising my DD1 in her current mental state. She needs help, meds, more counseling, and I honestly will not take anything less then shared custody of my DD1, because I refuse to put my daughter in a unstable situation, while being weekend fun guy Dad.

[SOTR]

We're in the same boat more then I knew knightinneed. My WAW definetly needs counseling to deal with her past !!! Im FAR from an expert, but I believe anti depressants are also in order.

Im planning on sticking to my original request for joint custody with myself as primary when we're in court on Thursday.
Im pretty sure the judge will keep it that way at least until the end of the school year (three to four more weeks). I also plan on asking for mandatory mediation, which I know the court likes to see instead of them making the decision. Im doing EVERYTHING I can think of to fly the white flag. I am hoping if I keep primary that she will eventually start to come around sometime this summer.

The question then becomes, how much time do I agree to for her?? I want to have her as involved as possible, while minimizing the kids exposure to him. If i give to little, she will continue to resent me. If I give to much, it makes it easier for her to stay where she is. Im thinking MAYBE every other weekend, plus seeing them at my place whenever she wants within reason.

I dont even know how the Courts generally handle what time kids as young as ours should be home at night. Especially during the summer. 9PM ???? 8?????

[knightinneed]

SOTR how about even split 50/50 1 week on 1 week off, with alternating weekends. Try to make it as amicable as possible, she may view you doing this as " It's just to keep me around " or something like that. Stick to your guns for the twins, and realize that this makes you look like a real man.

WAW will come around man, in time everything fades and heals. I think that once the dust settles and she sees you being the best father you can be, and being nice and amicable and showing your moving on with your life and your happy that she could very well come to her senses.

Dont worry about her right now, worry about what is best for them. When you focus on whats important people take notice, and admire those traits.

I know its hard, not a second goes by that WAW isnt some where lurking in my mind, but I know that had we not had our problems I would actually be worse off. I was neglecting myself so bad before, but not now. I am going to rebuild to a better stronger person, and when I finally emerge from the depths she will see. Then ill make a decision if we still have a chance.

You have the power man, dont give it to her.

[SOTR]

Well this just keeps getting uglier and uglier. Just had two local officers show up a couple hours ago, apparently she called them claiming to be concerned about firearms in the house. Something she KNOWS cant be true, since they were confiscated on Tues when she filed a false TRO against me, the second time in three years she's pulled that little stunt. Todays visit, plus the BS Child Services inspection on Thursday all adds up to some seriously LOW and vindictive [censored].

I was pissed , maybe perturbed is a better word ? That I have to deal with these repetitive and nonsense unsubstantiated claims. Even said so to the officers , they seemed actually embarrased and apologetic to have to come out, but they have to check out every claim regardless. I even pointed out theres GOT to be a point where repeated unfounded reports and allegations simply MUST rise to the level of harrassment and false reports.

Suffice to say I am STUNNED by the level of visciousness she has resorted to in an effort to hurt me, even though I understand the motivations from a purely intellectual level. Funny thing is , as quickly as I was pissed , I felt sad for HER. That she feels a need to resort to this nonsense. Its almost like she doesnt care what happens from her actions, as long as she can lash out at me in the process.

And oddly enough, theres still a big part of me that can still see the possibility of a future together at some point way down the road. This isnt REALLY her, she's hurt, pissed etc and is trying to hurt me in retaliation, I understand that part and can see it for what it is. But I do have to wonder, how could I EVER really trust her again ?? Then again, she has a valid reason for asking the same of me. After all , she did ask me to do things she needed that I promised I could and would do, and in fact did do for awhile, before sliding back to bad habits.

I can almost feel my resolve hardening to NOT be terribly open to anything she wants when it comes to a custody arrangement. Not after this latest stunt. I can see for certain that Im going to be dealing with quite a bit more such harrassing activities in the future. Im sure its gotta be pissing her off on some level that its not working the way she hoped it would.

SSSIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHH

[SOTR]

Anyone had a nasty custody battle and still wind up reconciling later or is that the type of thing that puts a fork in the R for good and all time ?