Also, you guys are so right. What I'm doing is not working. He can go ahead and file...he is going to get screwed because now I have all this cheating info on him (I took screen shots of the craigslist ad and the fake emails I sent with his picture).
I can't live like this anymore. I have been such a great wife. There is something wrong with him but I can't fix him. I've tried for the past 3 years and it's only gotten worse. He is throwing away something that was once really wonderful.
E-mail sent with boundary (RE: H entering home without prior arrangements).
Very good. I am proud of you. I know it is not easy.
Don't hate yourself. Celebrate yourself as a woman who is taking charge of her life and future. You *do* deserve to be the leader of your own life. And that is just what you will do. I am sure of it.
I think part of the reason the DB coaches (and this is simply my speculation) often give different advice than forum members is the time constraints a DB coaching session has. One can only jam so much in an hour (or whatever the time frame of a session is). Here on the boards you can really expand on feelings, actions, situations and experiences without time constraints so "more stuff" is brought to light. I am not saying the DB coach is wrong or way off base but in order for them to give you the best plan of action it is crucial they have all the facts.
I can't live like this anymore. I have been such a great wife. There is something wrong with him but I can't fix him. I've tried for the past 3 years and it's only gotten worse. He is throwing away something that was once really wonderful...
Hi sweetie,
Something to think about:
Do you want to know how hard it is for me to change my own behavior? Think how much harder it would be for me to change someone else's behavior. The best I can do is change the way I respond to other people. That is what boundaries do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok so after I sent email yesterday, WH emailed me back with the following. I need help responding appropriately.
In response to asking him to call before coming over he said "No problem. I may need to stop by tomorrow to get some clothes for work. I will let you know."
Then he asked me a series of questions: "1)I stopped by (cell phone carrier) to separate our phone accounts but it is in your name so the sooner you can do that the better. 2) Lastly I'm wondering if you've been in contact with an attorney yet.
I have appt with Dr. Therapist next week but I will deposit as much money as I can into the account so we can start knocking out our debt. I just wanted to keep you informed"
OK so how do I handle all this. I don't like being told what to do. Like him telling me to take him off as sson as possible. Who are you buddy? As far as our debt, we have several credits cards all of which are in WH name we mutually decided to use them in the fall to do some remodeling. I know he wants to pay them off ASAP.
I just still don't like the tone of his emails. It's almost as if he is still under the impression that I'm goingn along with all of it. "so we can start knocking out our debt". I don't give a [censored] about it you idiot. I don't want this. I don't want to help you. I want you to go away and be with your whores and leave me alone. You are ruining your life, you are runing my life. You chose this and I'm going to take as much time as I want to do whatever I want to do.
Any advice people can give ASAP would be appreciated. I'm going to start packign him stuff now in case he comes over later.
time for a "sneak attack." Then surprise him by one upping him... like INFORM him that you have done the following things (like it is your idea). Things that he has requested and then some of your own.
But if you don't want to D, you can stall like the DB coach said. Take your time. (except protect yourself financially first)
Now do you think he is testing you? Does he know you don't like to be bossed around? Does he know that what he was doing will make you angry? What do you think he is EXPECTING you to do right now?
Then do a 180- do the opposite of what he is expecting. (again, this is if you want to stall on the divorce)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to answer his email. I dont want to deal with him right now I cant take it. I hate his attitude. Its like he just doesn't care.
I normally did everything in our relationship. I think he is expecting that I will go along with everything to please him. That is always what I did.
I just tried to start packing up his stuff but I kept crying. I keep feeling like if I do that it is just giving him what he wants. I feel like I'm giving him ammunition to move full steam ahead - like here, I did everything you asked now you can divorce me.
I was so positive yesterday. It has only been a week and now I feel like I'm falling apart again.
All I wanted to do was have a relaxing day. I wanted to sleep in, do some cleaning and read. Now my thoughts are consumed by this again.
Hello. If he has made his mind up to leave, there is NOTHING you can do to stop him...so don't bother. I know it's hard under the circumstances, but, with all your might, show strength...even if you have to fake it for right now. Be compassionate to yourself, first and foremost. That means caring about your hurts AND being willing to do something about them. Weakness is not attractive...strength is. But do it because it's good for YOU. It may feel counterintuitive, but being strong is the best thing you can do for yourself. This is hard stuff...I know. But there are opportunities to learn here, from people who have made mistakes, so you don't have to make them. Let him know that, although you don't want this, that you will be fine regardless. Actions speak louder than words. Take him off of your phone account...keeping him on it isn't going to change his mind. Do it, and be done with it...don't discuss it any further. By taking steps to take care of YOU, you're not going to be telling him that you're OK with this, and you're not going to be encouraging him to do anything...you're simply going to be taking care of YOU. Period. This is something that you need to do regardless of what happens. It shows strength...and that is something that always benefits you, no matter what.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm so confused. I want to wait to talk to the DB coach on Monday.
Am I allowed to wait to answer his email? I just don't want to answer it now and don't want to deal with him. He will probably come over in the early afternoon to get some clothes for work and I dont want to be here so I am going to leave but I don't want to answer the email or do any of the things he is asking yet.
How does everyone feel abotu that? I dont know why I have to jump when he says jump. I do actually have other things to do and answering his email was not on my list today.
But what is it showing when I pack all of his stuff and put it by the front door? What does that say? I'm having a hard time dealing with doing that.
To me it is saying I am giving him exactly what he wants that I am amicably giving this to him. His attitude has kind of been treating me like a friend like "ok, so we're just going to do this and all happy and whatever...."
To me I don't feel like that makes me look strong - it makes me look like I'm just giving into what he wants.
Ok I'm packing up his stuff. I'm doing it. I'm taking charge. I'm not mean or vicious. I am in control. I have my own life. I'm sorry he does not want to be part of my life but that is his decision and I cannot control that.
