MLCer or addicted infidel?

[rr22]

Like newmama, I am in a waiting game, or a out-waiting game. Who will give in first, me or ho





interesting.

[newmama]

Yikes, it seems like the OWs who have the Hs who make a good living and who were good family guys seem to stick around for a long time! I was thinking I would outwait my WH's interest for OW and his tolerance for her drama.

But my tolerance for WH's empty threats of divorce is wearing thin!

Whatnow, are you thinking your H is assuming you will file for D because you are moving forward?? or did you tell him at one point that you would file?

And I totally understand about getting used to the contact when they initiate it. After I told WH to not text me daily to check on how S slept, I really really missed his stupid text "How did S sleep? Is he in a good mood today?" every day!

[courageous wife]

Yikes, it seems like the OWs who have the Hs who make a good living and who were good family guys seem to stick around for a long time! I was thinking I would outwait my WH's interest for OW and his tolerance for her drama.

I should be getting my H back any time if this is true!!! lol

[WhatNow]

Whatnow, are you thinking your H is assuming you will file for D because you are moving forward?? or did you tell him at one point that you would file?[/quote}

Yes. I suspect that is what he is waiting for. He doesn't want to be the bad guy!

[quote]outwait my WH's interest for OW and his tolerance for her drama.

I swear, OW Drama FEEDS the affair! It keeps H from focusing on the real issue, himself, what he is doing and has done.

[WhatNow]

I had a fun day! I took my girls and my mom to see Sex in the city and then to lunch. Fun to have just the four of us without her other (younger) grandkids. Mom still doesn't know H left! One of these days, when I am better at boundary setting, I will have to tell her!

The movie was fluffy. Beware...it touches on Carrie's MLC and some not too involved cheating issues. Hollywood style....

[WhatNow]

Found this post on another site where WS were expressing what they thought about OW/OM during and after the A. Hmmm....

One potential reason is that many affairs are with neighbors, co-workers, or people met while traveling - crimes of opportunity. Very few was search far and wide and a long time to find someone special - affairs often "just happen." So you usually aren't selecting from a wide pool. This is one reason very few was have successful marriages with the AP.

So if the pool of partners is small, why the attraction? They say you often end up attracted to the way they make you feel about yourself. They are a mirror, showing you something you want to see. You aren't necessarily attracted to them personally, you are attracted to the way you think they see you and the feeling it creates.

Once you see them for what they are (some poor lost soul with weaknesses and physical imperfections, just like everyone else), the mirror effect will go away.

Anyway, that is how it is explained in Not Just Friends and After The Affair.

The whole Shallow Hal thing I guess..... I wonder if she has a tail? (lol)

[newmama]

I swear, OW Drama FEEDS the affair! It keeps H from focusing on the real issue, himself, what he is doing and has done.

As usual, you are very smart, CW. Maybe this is why affairs can last so long because the OWs really know how to drag it out with drama. And yes, it does cause quite a distraction from the reality of the situation doesn't it???

Mom still doesn't know H left! One of these days, when I am better at boundary setting, I will have to tell her!

But what does setting boundaries have to do with telling your mom? I am just curious- I don't understand!

They say you often end up attracted to the way they make you feel about yourself. They are a mirror, showing you something you want to see. You aren't necessarily attracted to them personally, you are attracted to the way you think they see you and the feeling it creates.

The whole "seeking validation" theory. This also explains why some people who are responsible and "good" still cheat...they are responsible and good because it feels right but also because they got a lot of validation for being that way. Their need for validation doesn't go away so even the responsible types are susceptible to affairs.


And about your H not wanting to be the bad guy for filing for D... what about not wanting to put the nail in his own coffin? I think that is my WH's hang up! (well of course I want to believe doubt has something to do with it- in both of our cases!)

[WhatNow]

But what does setting boundaries have to do with telling your mom? I am just curious- I don't understand!

My Mom was/is a model for not having any and crossing others'. If she knew H wasn't here, she would take over my life. When H was gone the first time, All she wanted to know was how much did he give me. Could she borrow $? If I said I didn't have that much extra in the entertainment (slush) fund, she would tell me to demand more from H. She also expected me and my girls to take care of my brother's kids all the time. She still wants these things but H is a kind of wall she has to climb first.

And about your H not wanting to be the bad guy for filing for D... what about not wanting to put the nail in his own coffin? I think that is my WH's hang up! (well of course I want to believe doubt has something to do with it- in both of our cases!)

Oh Yeah. It would certainly solve their dilemma if we filed. It would be "What we wanted". Kinda like someone else rippin' off the sticky band-aid. I do not believe he would fight me...except for the marital assets. And Yes of course there is doubt or we would have divorcees a year ago!

Hey I found a fun free fortune-telling site... freaky... described my sitch! Good outcome too! Put a date in your question. I asked Will H return by 7/1? and What's ahead for me this month? facade.com Have fun and don't believe anything bad...That just means you are misinterpreting it!! lol

[newmama]

Sheesh! I wouldn't tell your mom either! I get it!

I went to the website and maybe clicked on the wrong thing- saw a place for "asking a question for free" and did it but got referred to a free psychic phone reading. No thanks. This doesn't sound like what you got, right? Did you click on tarot or something? I want to do it for kicks!

[newmama]

Oh I just went back and did a free tarot reading-actually 3 of them- trippy!

Of course I borrowed your idea and asked will WH return by 7/6/10? using 3 different tarot decks. Of course I liked all 3 outcomes! But it is silly...fun though! I did like one card that said in my attempt to achieve my goal, I am a woman who goes after what she wants and gets it! WOW how did they know that about me? Another card said something like let timing unfold naturally and not rush the process and another said that I recently have had a spiritual awakening and am picking up energy to head in a different direction! How do they do this?