WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Round 2

H came by to meet my son's bus after school. He came extra early... Not sure why. My mom insisted on going out and giving him a talking to... I didn't stop her as their relationship is their business. Told her to save her breath... And I was right.

I went out to wait for the bus to say goodbye to S13. H said if I had something to say then do so. I said I didn't. H said he'd wait in the car then. He went to the car and sat there for maybe 2 min. I chose to just sit and smile to myself, to show him and me that I still could.

After a few minutes H casually gets out of the car with a smoke and strolls over. (he could have smoked in his own car)
He said obviously you're smiling at something, so what is it? Spit it out. I acted distracted and said I had nothing to say I was thinking about my upcoming weekend. I told him it had nothing to do with him, that he wasn't the center of my universe. H took a few steps back and said that was the best thing I had ever said to him.

He started on much the same from last night, only milder. I didn't cry, validated where I felt I could but called BS on a lot of it. My heart wasn't in it to be nice to him but I wasn't going to let him chase me inside and not say goodbye to my son. He kept bringing up all I'd done wrong in the M. Tried to convince me that I should give in to his version of custody re: US visits. Stood firm and told him no. Said he would bring OW to my son's gr8 grad. Told him to expect a scene if he did. He said she was a part of his life so he would bring her.

After son got home he put him in his car. Before he got in the drivers side he said to enjoy the weekend. I said I would. He said I hope you get laid, you need it. I told him it would be nice to know what that truly was for once in my life and walked in the house. I couldn't help it, I'd had enough of his BS for one week.

I am so tired of all of this. I'm not in the same place I was last night. Don't want to be ever again. But I am so tired of my life right now. I wish I didn't have to deal with him.

What the heck was the point to H starting up again? What is he getting out of it?

Why can't he just go live with her and be done with it. I can't wait until he does. I need peace. I don't see that coming anytime soon.

I'm heading back to bed because I can.

I hate that I looked like crap when I saw him.

[job]

DG,
He knows that he can push your buttons. He's miserable inside, so he wants you miserable as well, besides, it's a long holiday weekend and he can't stand the thought of you actually doing something fun. They tend to act out before a special holiday/event more so than any other time of the week/month.

Please don't allow him to ruin your weekend. Do something fun.

[seeking answers]

DG, Yes please do something fun for yourself this weekend.

[DiamondGirl]

Thank you all for your support. I don't think I would still be here if it weren't for the support I recieve from my "cyber friends".

Since I'm in Canada this weekend isn't a long one. Ours was last weekend (aka May 2-4 as in beer case). It was a good one for me!
I'm going to do my best to repeat it...

[DiamondGirl]

I'm like many on here I think. It's hard to believe H is so miserable when he acts so happy.

[seeking answers]

DG, It may seem like they're happy, but what truly happy person spews a bunch of garbage at another?

Hang in there kiddo, we're here for you.

(((Hugs)))

[DiamondGirl]

I'm curious if the sound of the LBS's voice or seeing them face to face means anything to the MLCer... Not in a positive way, but in a "open the mouth and purge my anger" way? If they hear our voice does it trigger the guilt?

I'm only asking because this crap happened on the phone and in person.

I know hearing Hs voice triggers either pain or anger in me...

[Mila]

DG - It's good to see you in a better state of mind You are one strong woman my dear...a fighter...so proud of you

[seeking answers]

DG, I'm think voice and sight can set them off. Seeing as the LBS in their mind is the reason they think they're unhappy. We're not though, and this is why we go dark. Having as little contact as possible with the MLCer in this phase prevents us from being the target. It's a protection for us. If we have to have an interaction with them this is why it is so important for the LBS to act 'as if' they are happy, and capable. It relieves that guilt from them about us taking us out of the line of fire.

Make no mistake though, that anger is still there. MLCers don't recognize that happiness comes from within and they don't realize their anger is coming from the same place.

MLCers don't seem to have control over much in their lives, and that anger boils over like a volcano and wipes out everything in its path. Step out of the way and let it flow around you. OW is in its path now and better her than you at this point. Yes, things seem rosy in the beginning, but the anger has to be directed somewhere. In time, especially if you've made yourself scarce, avoided R talks, avoided pushing their buttons, avoided reacting badly when they've tried to push yours, guess where the anger is going? Gee, wonder if ow thinks she has such a prize now?

Take the high road whenever possible DG. Do not give your H and ow anything to bond over and form that triangle with its point directed at you. In time they'll be aiming at each other.

A person can't miss what has always there and provoking them. Stay as dark as you can right now. In time, just as your H is thinking and rewriting your marital history to make it all bad right now, the sitch between he and ow will eventually start to unravel. That's the time the good things about your marriage come to the surface for them again.

The way I see it is the fewer recent bad memories you've created about you for them during this, the less they have to wade through to remember the good things.

This all takes so much time to be worked through and processed. Time is on your side though as it gives you a chance to work on yourself and resolve your issues. When/if you get the choice to reconcile your M the less garbage an individual brings to the table the less to get in the way of the truly hardest work of all, piecing.

We all have setbacks just learn from them and keep moving forward.

Hope my ramblings have made some sense.

(((Hugs)))

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks Snodderly, CW, shelbel, SA & Mila (sorry if I missed anyone),

Mila - I'm working at getting back the detachment and strength. Not easy to do right now...

SA - It does make sense... and I appreciate the info.. I read about it a little in the MLC resources, but I'd lost sight of it.

I was the one who initiated the conversations, and pushed his buttons first this time (I'm ashamed to admit) and I'm trying to figure out why I did.. I don't have an answer...

He had said something that I know was true in all of the BS, and I was trying to make sense of it in my head.

We had been having yet another argument a few months before he left about selling the house. (H would every now and again come up with how we couldn't afford the house, though I knew his spending is what was making things difficult, so I would disagree without calling him on the spending).

He came right out with either we sell the house or I leave and I said so leave as at that point I was tired of arguing and fed up with his blaming things on me.

I so regretted saying that afterwards and never told him I did. I didn't want to reopen the argument.

He brought it up with the ranting and I was trying to figure out earlier today why I *had* been so resistant to selling the house knowing he was so unhappy. Why I impulsively chose the house over him (in his eyes anyway).

I'm not materialistic by any means and can be a real tighta-s about spending money I admit. So what was it about the house that I didn't want to let go of? (besides my mom's investment in it too)

I realized that it wasn't the house I was clinging to, it was the financial stability it represented to me.

All the years of our marriage we struggled financially because of a combination of my not working (for various reasons over the years) and his not being able to stay at one job for longer than a few years at the absolute most. Every time he changed jobs, there were things that went unpaid or we did without. The financial instability killed me each time. He always had a job within a week of leaving the last, but it always resulted in us being short of funds for a month or so after each change.

In his eyes the fact that he had a job right after should have eliminated the insecurity. It didn't. I grew up with a father who was at the same company and job for 35 years, day in day out. And by this point my self esteem was already at a low point and I was insecure about everything.

Now I am faced with my own internal dilemma again about the house I'm in now. I can't live with my mom under the same roof. So I will be without her financial input after September or October.

I can't afford a down payment on my own home to purchase as I don't have much savings to speak of. In my province you cannot borrow towards a down payment (on paper anyway.. anyone have any rich friends? JK)

The idea of renting terrifies me as I equate renting with instability. When H and I were renting we had a few landlords who were unreasonably intrusive and threatened to kick other tenants out on a whim. I can't live like that again, depending on a stranger's decisions for my shelter.

I am not comfortable renting out a room in my home because of my children's vulnerability to strangers as there is no separate quarters that can be established. Based on my own abusive history I can't tolerate the idea of a stranger having access in the night to my children.

Getting a second job again would mean additional daycare costs and I am already looking at costs for before/after school care for both kids in September because of my mom moving out.

I don't know what to do or think right now.

I'm pretty sure that H is not paying anything because he can't really afford it right now, but also because paying me money to help out with the house would mean I wouldn't fail at being able to keep it. I think he is hoping I do have to move so that he can say he was right in our not being able to afford it. He pretty much said as much yesterday when he was here. He said now that I am paying everything myself I can see how hard it is to do alone. "Doesn't feel good does it?"

Any thoughts on the above are gratefully appreciated. I'm too close to all of it.