Thank you sandi2 - I know now that no matter what happens, I'll always continue to improve myself, and looking back....well, I never really was that person who drank and was a jerk. I was depressed, which led to drinking, which led to other things. Most of our marriage I've been very cool and we've gotten along great, been in love, etc....I'm more like the real 'me' now than I have been since I was 20 and a starving artist in California. Hard to explain. Hard to imagine that I acted that way for years to the woman I love above all others. The change in me is incredible and everyone around me notices and has said so...even my W.
Yeah - who knows about the gay thing, I sure don't....it's been very weird for me, and at one time she said he had dated women in the past. I've checked in on him, months ago, a couple of times, and he's gay. I'm not sure but I thought perhaps she just like the 'feelings' of his attention, his concern for her, etc....he knows our entire situation she told me, and i've seen some texts he wrote her....he's like a support person, a friend who says just the right thing at the right time when she needs to vent about me and our problems. He's pushed for her to stay with the family, praised her concern and love for our kids, etc. When she asked about the open marriage, I said 'he's gay! WTF?' and she would say 'yes i know...but what i'm saying is i don't want to RULE OUT the chance of sex happening if i go visit him' so i don't know...maybe she was planning on 'trying'....maybe she wasn't convinced he was gay...who knows.
I agree - I was NOT acting very attractive then...or sexy...or anything...it wasn't me, it was like another person had taken over me. I've always been stronger than that, my whole life (i'm 42). I've always been able to control myself, but I sure didn't then - looking back, it's embarrassing and I'm ashamed of acting that way in front of her. I only considered the open marriage, I guess, to keep her around...to have her with me in SOME sort of capacity because I figured since I had done the damage, and could lose her altogether, that i'd take anything she would give me, but I kept loosing it....just thinking about her with another man....it just about killed me. It's difficult and I can't explain why I didn't just LEAVE...I probably knew in my heart that it would never 'really' happen with him....and so far it hasn't. I'm so much stronger now, if she were to bring it up again I wouldn't agree to it. After all the work I've done, if it came up again I'd feel like none of it has mattered so far .....and would probably give up and just leave.
Well, I spied so much that every time I looked I would find something, which would cause me to break down and cry, hurt, etc., and it would end up being nothing or have a simple explanation (that I would discover later in more spying). One issue my whole life was always trust - so I decided that I wasn't going to spy again, ever, and if she was doing something wrong then it would come out eventually, and that would be the end of the marriage. I know there's no grass greener than mine right now, at this age, so if she finds it and runs off then so be it. I want her happy above all other things, no matter what the final outcome is. We've always loved each other, been through a lot together, and I was the one who hurt her so I'm going to be the one to wait things out and give HER a timeline and a choice, if that makes sense. Thanks for talking to me, I appreciate it! :-)
UPDATE; We got into a little tiff a while ago, first one in weeks.....I asked about her online class she's been in all week, how she was doing, I was making dinner and she was hanging around the kitchen talking to me about this and that....I kept asking questions about how her class was going, was she learning, was she going to go back over the information, etc. (it's an online class) and finally she got mad that I was asking so many questions. I was only trying to talk, trying drum up conversation, and she said it wasn't sincere and they questions started to get empty....that I was only asking because I 'thought i needed to' and that 'if i was going to make this work' i had to just accept what she said and quit asking questions that don't make sense....in hindsight, i did ask too many questions and the last few didn't make much sense, she saw right through me...i was tired and had WAY too much coffee so i was just rattling on. She said 'you never gave a crap before' etc. This is the first time in weeks she's said anything like that, especially about the past and how I use to behave. This told me that the anger and resentment are still there and will surface again. I didn't argue, just stood my ground and told her I WAS sincere and was truly interested in what she was doing. I left the room and that was that. It's a roller coaster. I'll leave her alone this weekend and let her think I guess.
