Need 'How to' on exposure,,,, and balls to do it

[Optimust]

Allen, do you want me to expose the A to her dad and others first, then, go through the exposure thing above?

[Optimust]

And when she comes back with, "I WANT A DIVORCE!" - what then?

[Allen A]

Yes, always expose to others before confronting your wife

Revealing your exposure plans to your wife ahead of time is the equivalent of showing your opponent your whole hand at a poker table...

This iS a poker game, don't kid yourself...

Your wife is giong to be LIVID when you do this...

Let her be livid, alcoholics are livid when you lock teh liquior cabinet too...

Your wife is going to threaten divorce... you just recite your scirpt above and walk away from the fight.. don't get into it with her...

Expose to anyone who may put pressure on her to end her affair... and you stay away from her

[Optimust]

This conflicts with the advice I got from the thread below,

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Both make sense, I just very confused on who to tell first.

[Lotus]

My vote is with the advice from the other forum. It can only seem vindictive to go announcing the affair to others when you haven't confronted the spouse directly. And if you can't control the spouse, why would an outside person have leverage? It is wishful thinking to think that their friends' or parents' disapproval, if you can even get it, will change the spouses' behavior. Be a man. Stand up to the spouse. Anything else is just acting in desperation.

For an example of how exposure to the world and not the spouse went, you can read the thread of Fracesc also known as FormerlyknownasF. His wife has not spoken to him since he exposed her affair to the world, they have separated all their possessions, and are looking forward to a divorce. He followed Allen's advice to the letter.

[Optimust]

It's getting finer tuned, please keep up the critiques:
"I want to be in a committed, and honest relationship. This will not happen as long as you are in an affair with OM, weather it be emotional or physical, it disrespects me, the vows we took, and our family. This marriage doesn’t have room for 3 people. This is about choices, your choices not mine. You need to figure this out soon. If you choose a better life with our family, marriage, and friends, you must end all contact with him, forever, and we will fix our issues together. A committed mother and wife is welcome in our children’s household. D1 and D2 deserve an honest, committed, and loving environment which we can provide. I will not support you if you choose to to put the A above the needs of our family, and continue causing damage and confusion to our children and you need to be aware that those things are not welcome in our home."

Others are saying to demand a decision right now. I do not want her to just spit out a decision, because most likely she will be in a defensive mode and at that point feel I am the enemy, and blurt out what the enemy does not want to hear. She needs to make a decision, and she will understand that that decision will need to be soon, otherwise she is now in the uncomfortable place I've been in for over 2 weeks.

[Lotus]

How will you expect her to show her choice? To just say, "Fine, I'll stay.", or to have specific actions so that you know she is staying? Will you require marriage counseling or Retrouvaille? You should be aware that she can say something now and change her mind in a day or two. My experience was that my husband said he would end the affair, but then he continued it in secret. It is extremely difficult to know that the affair is completely over.

[Optimust]

The main boundaries that I feel will help our relationship.

1. no contact letter from her to him, that I mail from her e-mail to his, so I know what actually was sent.

2. 100% transparency to help build my trust back up, cell phone, TM, FB, e-mail, and all passwords.

3. IC and MC for both of us, I am in IC now, and it is helping me to be a better dad and husband, she needs the same

Other than that I'm open to suggestions, but that seems like it would work.

Also - out of curiosity, just to boil the OM a bit, how would this go over at his work if sent to his boss and supervisor above that?



Mr. John Doe
Such and such Dept head
huge famous benevolent co

Mr. Doe,

Since you are a highly respected business in the greater community area, and contributing member of the community, I am sure that you are concerned about your company's appearance and reputation in said community.

I'm not sure if you are aware or not of some very inappropriate behavior going on between one of your
employees and my wife.

It appears that my wife was contacted by your employee a (time period) ago, and has continued to be contacted at all hours of the day by him, surely during working hours as well as his free time away from work. Being a married woman, the blame can not land squarely on your employee, my wife also has a hand in this inappropriate behavior, that we are working on at home.

Being that your company is held in such high esteem by the general public, not only in our community but also nationwide, I felt you should be contacted. It would be ridiculous to think that this is an acceptable action throughout your corporation, and therefore I felt you could aid both your company and myself by handling this internally, so as not to tarnish the company’s image to those that hold it in such high esteem.

I would like to be able to ask your employee to stop the damage he is causing my family through his continued inappropriate contact, in an observed manner, so as nothing is misconstrued. I would ask to have a meeting between myself, your employee, and someone you see fit to witness the discussion. I understand this may not be feasible solution for your end of the dilemma, and if so, would at least like to know that he was reminded of proper conduct that you expect from your employees when interacting with the public your company serve.

Obviously, this is an intensely personal matter for my wife and I, and we are also discussing it at home and with our family. But since some of this contact has transpired during the hours that your employee is to be devoting his time to your company, I thought I needed to bring it to your attention.

I am available to discuss this matter in person, or by phone during normal business hours, at 555-1212, or via e-mail if you wish. I felt that e-mail was probably the best way to initially contact you, so you could deal with this in a time frame fit to your schedule and to not disturb your daily work process.

Respectfully,

Optimust77
555-1213

I just modified Puppy's a bit.

[Optimust]

I'm also curious to what my reaction should be if she denies the A, and demands proof?
Do I just say,"we both know you are having an affair" or "You were here with him yesterday, and here with him the day before, and you spent the night at his house multiple times, on the nights you didnt come home"
I do have photographic proof and eyewitness proof, and phone log proof, it's just everyone says "DONT SHOW YOUR SOURCES", I'm sure as to not show your hand so they can avoid the same pitfalls in the future, or fly into the 'invasion of privacy' discussion. The last one holds no water with me, because the A is 100 times worse.
Juat looking for lots of input at this juncture.

[sandi2]

JMO, but unless the A is done during company time on at the place of business....don't you think a boss would just laugh at a letter from a desparate LBH? If the OM is a good employee, then that is what's important to the boss. Unless it is some Christian sponsored business, then sadly, in most cases I doubt employers think the community cares whether OM is having an A with your W or not. But like I said...that's just my opinion.

My question to you is "if" your W is willing to have 100% transparency, then why do you feel that you need to send this letter to "boil" the OM? If I have understood what Puppy has said to posters, contacting employers was to bust the A.

Please don't be like some other LBH's who think that you can have somebody other than you to take care of this problem. The problem is your W's infildelity. Deal with her instead of going to OM's boss.