This H wants you to live in a multiple marriage and move her in? Move on. He has now gotten delusional.
Ha! He has brought this up many times since Jan. 09. Last Fall, I called him on it. "Bring it! Let's call her and tell her the plan!" and handed him the phone. He kinda smirked, knowing it was absurd. He's hoping for middle ground in cake-eating land where I continue the M while allowing the A. Fantasyland.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I have never thought of myself as controlling, I was just stating my boundaries, and wondering why people crossed them so often.
Then I read this post by Puppy Dog tails this morning:
Quote:
There's a subtle -- but yet HUGE -- difference between "ultimatums" and "boundaries."
From my own personal archives (adapt as needed to fit sitch):
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
Puppy _________________________ "Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen
Duh... Light bulb moment...I really want to work on HOW I say things.
I try to be direct and honest, which sometimes comes across as insensitive. IDK. Any feedback??
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Me: I am focusing on forward. I haven't turned around to look. let me know what you figure out.
That is classic. Awesome response to the question. Just like the ultimatums/boundaries quandary. You stated what YOU are doing without involving him in that decision.
Ok I am just getting caught up- when your H said "we should figure out the combining and get on with our lives" WAS HE JOKING around since he knows you are not a fan of that idea? I just don't want to believe he was still testing to see if you would be open to the idea? barf!
Quote:
He asked: Yesterday you said you were moving on. Is the door still open?
I replied: Why do you ask?
H: Trying to figure things out.
Me: I am focusing on forward. I haven't turned around to look. let me know what you figure out.
Argggh. Now I am sucked into 'what does this mean?'
He could be waiting for me to find someone else and/or file. Or he could mean he is wanting to put his foot in the door.Or he could mean nothing has changed for him but he has noticed a change in me. I am glad he asked directly. Too bad he doesn't answer so. This is starting to get too dramatic for me.
WN why would your H ask if the door was still open unless he wanted to check to see if he might be able to "come inside" so to speak...or as you said, "put his foot in the door." Of course by now I am learning to not jump on their words, but I just don't see why he would say "trying to figure things out" if he was preparing to D you. However, I know, I know, we aren't supposed to believe anything they say. He has to have a notice a change in you because you have changed, right? Wow. So, is it "carry on, facing forward" like you said but just note his email and file it away? I bet that is what the vets would say!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
WAS HE JOKING around since he knows you are not a fan of that idea?
No, I don't think he was joking. Nor do I think he was testing. I do believe he can't come up with any other alternative that works for him. He knows It won't work for me... or OW... Not after the hissy she pitched when we went for a drink during prom a few weeks ago.
"trying to figure things out" has been his mantra since 11/08. He has himself convinced they have this open and honest R, and refuses to see the deceptions it is based on. He says "no secrets between them" but it takes him 2 days to mention he took me out on a Sat nite. I wonder...Does he tell her how he misses me, how he still loves me, is having trouble getting along with out me, how he can't imagine his life without me, all these things he has been telling me over and over?
Why would he tell me these things? Why does he ask if the door is still open? To keep me in place at a distance that is comfortable for him, while he hangs out in a ho-tel, of course.
Like newmama, I am in a waiting game, or a out-waiting game. Who will give in first, me or ho. As things stand now, I have nothing to lose. Time is on my side. I am getting on with my life. I am actually enjoying the peace around the house. Yes it is lonesome, but not most of the time...I'm busy. H is a challenging puzzle that is interesting to try to figure out. Kinda like being dumped into a new universe with completely different laws of physics, and a desire to test them and figure them out. Or like Copernicus sitting on a flat planet trying to figure out the star movements. Hmmmm....enough philosophy!!
I thought today would be quiet. No such luck. H sent a text..."Hi". He called a few hours later to talk about my truck. It wasn't the lifters, but a split oil uptake. Warranty thing! Yippee!! That means I don't have to pay for the cute Mustang they loaned me, that my girls have been running all over town!! So, I have not gotten thru a full day of NC in awhile. This is bad. I am NOT initiating, but after awhile I'm beginning to expect to hear from him. and spend time wondering about it, and...heaven forbid!...look forward to it. This is not good for me.
I still think he is waiting for me to file.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
whatnow:I wonder...Does he tell her how he misses me, how he still loves me, is having trouble getting along with out me, how he can't imagine his life without me, all these things he has been telling me over and over?
no, he doesn't. she convinced him she was more laidback than you to get him in an r. he still believes it and the evidence is starting to come out that all women are the same and they want monogamy no matter how laidback they act to get you to begin with. lol
wn:Why would he tell me these things? Why does he ask if the door is still open? To keep me in place at a distance that is comfortable for him, while he hangs out in a ho-tel, of course.
this sounds true. if you are waiting, why not date to shake him up. maybe you already have. have not read your entire thread.
