Fair points, Tristan. But my thirst for validation I don't completely think is wrong or counterproductive. I don't think it's wrong for me to deserve acknowledgement when I do something for my W or something that displays genuine thought. That's what life is all about. She doesn't need to throw a party, but she can offer a little something to show that she is acknowledging the things I do. And it doesn't need to be every time...just once in a while. But she doesn't want to lead me on or make me feel like I am earning any points. Part of me feels like I am being punished.
I do think she's just letting time pass as she sees where things go on their own without the influence of a MC. Maybe she is not ready to start down that road. I am not going to push that issue anymore. And there are little things I need to deal with better, such as when I go out and purchase a Blu-Ray movie I know she wants to see, she will watch it alone. She won't ask if I want to watch it, too or with her. She will pick times to watch movies when I am either preoccupied or not home.
Each day I am believing my changes more and more. I am much happier about the person I am today as opposed to 4 months ago. I am much more patient and understanding of others, I have let go of a lot of my negativity and try to be more positive. I have also gotten closer to my faith again and found a lot of comfort and strength in it. But most of all, I have a much deeper love for my family and children and I have put them at the top of my priority list.
I went to a school reunion last week and walked in alone, cold turkey and faced people I haven't seen in almost 30 years. I don't think I would have had the courage to do that even 4 months ago without my M or a friend next to me. As someone who doesn't like crowds, doesn't converse too well with people and generally shies away from the spotlight, I still can't believe that I faced it head-on -- and I had an amazing time!
Some things are beginning to piece together about you. The more you post, the better we can "see" you. Not only are words of affirmation one of your love languages, but you "need" to hear it to feed low self-esteem, or so it appears to me. Nothing wrong with wanting to hear praise once in a while, but whenever a person has esteem issues then they "can" become someone they really don't want to be.
I know one person who would do most anything to hear somebody brag on her. Lots of problems in that area, but what's so sad is how "obvious" it is to other people. Another person I know takes over every conversation to talk about herself and how somebody told her what a great job she did at "whatever". So, the point is not to allow yourself to get in this condition.
I don't see a need as being selfish......as long as we don't get overbearing, obnoxious, & obvious. As it's been said, your W can read you well, and she probably can tell if you are expecting something in return and that is such a turn-off to a WAW. Also, if words of affirmation is not her LL, then she won't even "think" to say anything to you. You could see it as being mean, but for some people it just doesn't enter their minds. I could see that being the case with a perfectionist who is busy with raising twins.
One other thing I would remind you about, and that's the fact you said that 3 months was long. This makes me think that a LBH does not seriously see that his WAW is "done". If she is to the point of ready to be a WAW......then she isn't wanting to work on the M, she's done.....finished with it. When she is finished....there is no 3 months & counting. There is no more time, period. Do you see that?
As long as you are expecting her to change her mind b/c you are making changes.......it won't work. You must make improvements for YOURSELF and nothing or nobody else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First I really appreciate you taking the time to provide feedback and stay invested in my situation.
You are very perceptive. My current therapy has dealt a lot with my low self-esteem, shame, and the like. I am not as demanding of attention like the examples you provide, but sometimes if I get on a roll and am with someone who laughs at my jokes I can keep the pressure on and continue seeking that reaction. I have always done things to illicit a "reaction" -- usually by being a bit outrageous. As a teen I was like the comedy joke writer. I came up with the material, but it was usually someone else who delivered it.
You're also right about her affirmation. As I told my T, I think she doesn't say anything not only because it doesn't enter her mind, but also because if she does throw me a bone it could put pressure back onto her. W: 'If I tell him that I appreciate something, he is going to feed on that and expect more...and I don't want the pressure of dealing with his expectations.'
NEW TWIST: Here is something interesting. Today is the day my W sees her personal T. Shortly after her session ended I got a txt from my W which simply read, "You can make an appt. with that other therapist. Wed. works for me."
As I wrote, I had asked her on two occasions to see a "neutral" MC and she never responded to my requests. Today she finally did. What do you make of it? I guess this is a step in the right direction. My W clearly can't make a decision on her own, so she waited until she got the advice of her T before agreeing to go.
As you have already learned, no one on here has a new, totally different sitch. A lot of the same stuff got me in trouble.
My W would tell me how good looking I was and different things. I would tell her on occasion, but not nearly enough.
Anyway, as hard as it is to believe, time is on your side. It has taken her years to get to this point and will take a long time to get back her feelings for you.
Listen to Sandi. I wasn't ready to hear a lot of the things she said when I first got here, but she is spot on!
BTW, my W finally agreed to go to MC after refusing for 6 months. I, like you, am wondering what to make of it. Take it as a step in the right direction and take it slowly. I've already jumped the gun, maybe, and must constantly remind myself to have patience. You're right, the confusion continues. For me, too. Take your time and let MC do it's job.
It sounds like that therapist said something that your W did not like and that is why she's ready to find another one. If "he" told her she should find a different therapist, then they may have had a falling out with each other (lol). Hard to believe he would be willing to just let her go. Anyway, I'm glad b/c maybe a new one will help get her on the right track.
I'm thinking that if she's willing to see a MC then that is a good move if it isn't just to confirm she should move on and do whatever to be happy. Be sure you ask the C if he/she is pro-marriage b/c if not, then that C will not try to help with the M and will agree with divorcing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know that I believe my W and her therapist had a falling out per se. We had gone as a couple to both her and my therapists. It doesn't work that way. My MC told us to see an unbiased, neutral MC to counsel us. He/she would have no biases or alligiances and would be best for our M.
I do think she might be realizing to some degree that she can't raise two twin boys alone and still retain her sanity. Her therapist may have endorsed seeing a MC to see what positive steps can be made between us. Her T is still her T. WE need a MC.
I don't see why she would start down the road all over again just to confirm that she should move on. At our last session together my W said, "I am here because I want to work on this." I don't think she knows how and I think there is a lot of anger and resentment to flesh out before she can explore renewing her feelings for me. At least that's what she said.
One exchange went like this: T: Now that you've seen your H making all these changes, how do you feel about that? W: Well, I am happy for the kids because they finally have their father. I am a different story. I need to work on me before I can even think about working on us.
I spoke briefly with this new T and I got a pretty good feeling. I always ask, "Who is the client in your eyes?" If she doesn't say, "the marriage" then I move on. She identified our issues quickly and seemed to be very aware of what my W is going through right now. It's a consultation...if I don't like the vibes, I am not stuck with her.
I always ask, "Who is the client in your eyes?" If she doesn't say, "the marriage" then I move on. She identified our issues quickly and seemed to be very aware of what my W is going through right now. It's a consultation...if I don't like the vibes, I am not stuck with her.
Very good!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But my thirst for validation I don't completely think is wrong or counterproductive.
Wrong, no; but I would argue strongly that it is counterproductive. You are trying to be attractive to your W again. Do you think that constantly looking fro validation from her is attactive? What is attractive is a man who does what is good and right. And doesn't need anything from anybody to know that he is doing what is good and right.
Originally Posted By: gws
But she doesn't want to lead me on or make me feel like I am earning any points.
Do you see how this concern goes away for her if you don't give a wit about what she thinks or does.
Originally Posted By: gws
I do think she's just letting time pass as she sees where things go on their own without the influence of a MC.
Maybe she is not ready to start down that road.
I think she doesn't say anything not only because it doesn't enter her mind, but also because if she does throw me a bone it could put pressure back onto her.
My W clearly can't make a decision on her own, so she waited until she got the advice of her T before agreeing to go.
I do think she might be realizing to some degree that she can't raise two twin boys alone and still retain her sanity.
Did you notice that you are doing quite a bit of mind-reading here? This really isn't all that productive. I know it is difficult not to do; I find myself doing it all the time. And often find out later that I was completely wrong. It can distort your perception of the situation.
Originally Posted By: gws
Each day I am believing my changes more and more. I am much happier about the person I am today as opposed to 4 months ago. I am much more patient and understanding of others, I have let go of a lot of my negativity and try to be more positive. I have also gotten closer to my faith again and found a lot of comfort and strength in it. But most of all, I have a much deeper love for my family and children and I have put them at the top of my priority list.
This is great. Keep it up.
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What do you make of it? I guess this is a step in the right direction.
Why would you take it any other way? She is doing what you requested of her.
Quote:
My W clearly can't make a decision on her own, so she waited until she got the advice of her T before agreeing to go.
Can't make a decission on her own? Or did she decide to wait for consultation from her therapist before making an emotional decission? Which I believe counselors are there to do. Or was it by complete coincidence. If your W heard you make that statement; how would it make her feel? You may not like the decissions she is making; but she is making them under her own will. I think you should respect them.
GWS, I know that I sometimes sound a little harsh. You are doing well; it shows by your W deciding to go back to MC. She is seeing the changes in you and in time she will believe in them too. And when she does, she will react in a positive manner. But until then, I think it is best that you focus as much on you and as little on her as possible.
Take care, -T
decission that would impact her relationship with you. Truthfully, I see nothing wrong with this. What else
Sorry I have been quiet since the holiday weekend. Not too much to report. W has been seemingly close, then distant. I am really not, as everyone has advised, getting too emotionally connected to the W or her behavior much at all. Actually, her smothering of our kids actually has made me frustrated and somewhat disgusted. I want to tell our new MC that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to help my wife be more at ease and relaxed. She is so married to a schedule (as if our kids were still 4 mos. old) that it makes ME crazy. But that's an issue for T.
I don't know what to expect from our first session tomorrow -- it's been over a month since we've done this. I am going to go in there as positive as I can be and keep my ears open. I am not going to reiterate my feelings over and over. She knows how I feel. I want solutions. I want agreements. I want common goals for the sake of my family.
I will report back after our meeting tomorrow (Wed.).
