We fall in love with and marry people we have lots in common with and/or who have something we want but don't have.
My husband and I were physically, mentally, and competitively attracted to each other from the start, plus he was spontaneous and did lots of fun stuff (unlike my family) while I had drama-free holidays and a loving extended family (unlike his family), so we felt we complimented each other nicely. I thought we did for more than two decades.
The problem is, according to Larry, we bring our family histories together when we marry and often do things we learned from our parents without even thinking about it. He calls this the "invisible lifestyle," which is all the "how to's" we learned from our parents, like how to clean house, which way to hang the toilet paper, how to spend the weekend, and how often to entertain.
Most of the little stuff is easily negotiated, but some "invisible lifestyle" differences are SO big, they begin to cause problems once the honeymoon is over. Finances, religion, work ethic, family time, etc., can all cause tension which becomes insurmountable over time. This unhappiness can make one or both partners susceptible to addictions, affairs, mid-life crises, etc.
If you have walls or ceilings with cracks in them, the cracks are NOT the problem. The problem is the foundation is weak, which causes the walls to shift, which makes them crack.
As gut-wrenching as it's been, my husband's EA is NOT the problem. The problem is that fun, spontaneous guy I married now has a demanding job and three kids and little time or money to do the fun, spontaneous stuff he used to do...which made the siren call of a cute, brown-nosing grad student completely irresistible. He didn't have to go skiing or hiking for cheap thrills. He just had to go to work.
Couple that with a MLC, a climate of acceptance at the university and a long history of infidelity on both sides of his family, and I didn't stand a chance.
Larry advocates helping you stop the divorce in 4 weeks by "popping the hood" on your marriage and taking a closer look at those "invisible lifestyle" foundations you both brought to your marriage. Through a series of 8 phone calls over 4 weeks, you root out those big problems and determine a plan of repair.
Again, it's controversial, but my eyes have been opened to things I never saw before. My WH was raised in an abusive household by people who were abused as kids by parents who were abused as kids. It's shocking to see what gets handed down from generation to generation along with the sterling silver and fruit cake recipes.
I used to think blaming parents for problems was a total cop-out because I came from a loving family who treated me well - no Oprah moments for us. The reality is that you can't choose which family you're born into, be it prince or pauper, loving or neglectful, good or bad. You can only choose to repeat or reject what you learned growing up, and since being a black sheep requires a lot of work and a thick skin, most people just do as their parents did - good or bad.
It can lead to all SORTS of problems later on (see story of WH EA, above).
I know that's a long answer to your short question, but I wanted to share a little of what I've learned. I'd encourage you to apply for Larry's free 30-minute consultation by writing your story. If you're selected, you can chat with him and get a feel for how things work and see if it's right for you before you commit any cash. I'm glad I did - I'm already feeling like a new woman!
