I don't know.. even with your long thought out list.. there seems to be a lot of time unaccounted for. I mean even in December you had 15 days of unaccounted for time.
the unaccounted for days? we'd drive out to see my family on the odd weekend. my family would come out to visit us for a weekend once a year in the summer. the other times, it's football, hockey, basketball games on tv. yard work, house chores, etc. squash two nights a week we spent a lot of times shopping for stuff. From one furniture store to another looking for the right piece. you know how difficult it was to find the right sofa? oh boy. in november to mid-december, i have to get the christmas cards written up and sent out because heaven forbid the cards arrive late. we also have to shop for my family and i have a huge family. even though there are only three in their family, we end up buying 5-6 gifts per person. it's just the way they do things at christmas. okay, that's fine. but it sucks so much of our time looking for 6 unique gifts for each person. this past christmas, i wrapped maybe 50 presents for both families. i spent time decorating our home for the holidays. i did those things for h because it was a big deal for him. in the end, he walked away with my effort. and i am sad about that. it's not the items that i'm sad about. it was my effort. i spent the time designing stuff for the house and in the end, he walked away with it. and he had the gall to say that i didn't put in any effort into our home. i feel very used. and he won't even leave me with the only good memory i have of us and that's my wedding ring and my wedding jewellery.
certain times in the year, work gets busy for him. a few times i went to his office and i sat in on calls. one night, we left at 11:30 pm. i'd go out to get dinner for both of us and we'd sit in his office together on a call and ate dinner at the same time. i'd give him a neck and trap massage while he talked. that was my QT with him. i made the effort.
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You respond before anything happens. It will keep you stuck in the cycle. I mean.. all he did was make a list of stuff.. cause someone told him too. You already have your fists up. You are making your own list.. planning out the attack.
my list was very plain because i didn't get silly. my L wants me to be honest. that's all he asked for. and i was. i didn't get stupid with my list.
i guess my "planning out the attack" is like my way of setting boundaries. that i will not get pushed around like that.
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You really need to back away from this and get your head on straight. You cannot waffle in front of him at this point. The more you do the more you set yourself back. Even if you are sitting across the table from him at the L office. Appearance is everything right now.
forrest, i flip from one extreme to the other. and i don't know how to get to the middle. i'm finding it too difficult to detach from an emotional standpoint. i don't know if i need a new ic. she didn't think i was in that bad of a shape. although she wants me to focus on me. the problem i have with ic is that there is no accountability. if you ask me to focus on me, there is no follow up. i need to find something to do when the urge or feelings start to rush through my veins.
you know what i really want to do? i want to hit the kickboxing gym. put on the gloves and just kick/punch the living crap out of the punching bag until i'm exhausted.
i feel like i'm fighting death. i know that gary chapman says that you're not dead until the death certificate is signed. what am i supposed to do? look happy so he can say i'm happier without him and that this was the right thing to do?
when is the right time to contact him? am i supposed to? i've always made the first move. do i have to in this case as well?
dumped.
currently on ipod: "it only hurts when i'm breathing" shania twain.
i made the effort.
