My musings might not have come out right ... I guess I was pondering the fact that I may have attached more to what was coming from her than was valid, that I made it bigger in my own head then it should have been, and that I had been the one to give it space. And you're right ... what does it matter ... it is what it is. I now know where the gaping holes in our marriage were/are - validation, acceptance and control are the real issues (I am getting an eyefull in Mars/Venus!). The specifics of the story are irrelevant.
Back to working on and thinking about me ... PMA retrieval well under way ... thanks for the 2x4
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
This ^^^^^ is the key. Cause you really need to...
Quote:
Back to working on and thinking about me
I would also like to point out that as small as the little question was to your mutual friend - it may at some point come back to haunt you. By your own admission, control was an issue in your M. Any question that ask others about H could be viewed as controling by your H should he find out about it.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I've left it alone, decided no more discussion unless he initiates it and then short and to the point. I'll use my sisters line about wanting to try our agreement as it stands before we make adjustments (boundary re not giving in to every request just to prove I'm 'flexible'). Then when an appropriate amount of time has passed, if he mentions adjusting it again or alternating weekends I'll offer the compromise based on having thought about what he expressed as an alternative.
Re the B'day party: I've offered, but I'm just gonna leave it at that. If he wants to follow through then he can let me know, and if he says nothing then I'll ignore it too. The kids and I will offer to take him out for supper on the day but that's it. I might even buy the scotch, because it's a nice gift, but leave it with a bow on the counter when I leave the house.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
I would also like to point out that as small as the little question was to your mutual friend - it may at some point come back to haunt you. By your own admission, control was an issue in your M. Any question that ask others about H could be viewed as controling by your H should he find out about it.
Yep, this was a calculated risk. I honestly do not believe B will say anything, but on the off chance that I'm wrong about this (and Lord knows I've been wrong about alot lately ) then it was worth the gamble.
As always, thanks for everything you guys are sanity savers
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Good morning PEI, just wanted to stop by to thank you for your helpful insights yesterday. I want to read up on your sitch this weekend but just wanted to offer my support and encouragement. When I read in your comment yesterday, that your H said he 'pushed stuff down until he's dealt with it and it goes away' my mouth fell open. That's almost word for word, what my H has said too. Take care. PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I've been in my own world lately & didn't see this thread. My, what a busy girl you've been! lol
I'm proud of you for not only doing so well so early on, but for getting your footing back after having a difficult night. It's hard not calling or giving into every whim, but the next day I'm so grateful that I didn't.
Fwiw--I am just now learning the real meaning of the phrase "It is what it is." Nothing more, nothing less. And nothing can change it. See it. Learn from it. Let it go.
I've been giving myself a lot of one word commands lately. Like..."Stop." and "Breathe." and "Love." Anything more and I get too overwhelmed--it's like the Rosetta Stone program for MLC. One thing at a time.
Originally Posted By: PEI
and I'm just realizing that all my 'helping' and 'running interference' came across as "you can't do this" or "I'm better at this than you" ... and if I'm really honest with myself, I did probably think that by times. I was wrong. Different isn't not as good ... it's just different, and my kids are going to benefit tremendously by having a loving, involved Daddy who can show them things and teach them things from a perspective which is different than their Moms.
Ummmm.... I'm so guilty of this. I stepped in a lot towards the end when H was just angry all of the time. I wouldn't let him become abusive, but I stepped in a lot when I shouldn't have. Thanks for the new perspective.
Hang on girlie--we'll get through this.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
PEI - your sitch sounds so similar to mine...timeframe, behaviors and the personal issue around control (man i wish someone had give me some marital advice 7 years ago!). sigh.
you sound so strong, however, and i'm rooting for you. keep up with the PMA and share some over here too if you can.
PG, Shelbel and Pandora .... thanks for swinging by with your words of support ... you know how much it means You'll be glad to know that my PMA is returning and I'm getting my feet back under me. Heading out with my little sis to go dancing tonight and planning on hiking tomorrow morning. I'll spend some time getting caught up on your sitchs over the weekend.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
PEI
Rockbottom is seldom what WE think it should be or will be.
Having expectations on time and what they should do crap like that...is a great way to eat away at the foundation you are building your 'stand' upon.
So true Jack ... I read a story on here somewhere about a holocaust survivor telling his story. When asked who didn't make it out, he replied "the optimists" ... they were the ones who thought "we'll be out of here by Easter" and when they weren't, a little hope died. Then they thought "we'll be out of here by Summer" and when they weren't , more hope died. Then they thought "we'll be out of here by Christmas" and when they weren't even more hope died. Man cannot live without hope and eventually they gave up and perished. This particular survivor said he made it because he didn't attach conditions or timelines to the outcome, he just maintained a deep belief that he would survive. (OK ... massive paraphrasing, but you get the idea) I am going to work really hard at maintaining this attitude ... at first I was focussing on WHEN we were going to make it ... now I'm just going to focus on me and believe I, and we, will survive this.
Thanks to all ... chat tomorrow ... I'm going dancing!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Hi PEI, Just checking in before the long weekend when I will likely have little or no time to get on here. I agree with what everyone has said so far. I saw my IC today and I told her that I feel like I'm on a small train rail that is very easy to fall off of - that's why it's important to have constant reminders of what your goal is - keep your eye on the prize. It's very easy to begin to imagine that you 'know' where your spouse is at - but that's a trap. We have no idea what's going on inside their head - and often neither do they. Speculation is a dangerous pass time. We just need to keep our focus planted squarely on ourselves. Along those lines - last night I went out and sat at Borders reading the first chapter of Laura Munson's book - left in tears. WOW! I want to have THAT perspective. In the meantime - H - seemed almost miffed at me for leaving (I may be projecting who knows) - not sure what that's about. Again - I'm off the rails - LOL!
I'm seriously thinking of moving over here - I'm not stalking you!!! I don't really believe the main thrust of what's going on with my H is an MLC but I love the support here. We'll see. I have to figure out how to move my thread - ugh!
Take care and have a great weekend. A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Hope all my "south of the border" friends ... or north, for that matter, right Jack ... are having a great long weekend!
Ended up going to a movie and then out for a drink and a snack last night instead ... still fun! Napped and read today, then talked to H in the early afternoon and told him I was going to swing by for a pair of shorts and head to the beach for a walk. Threw out a casual invite then got off the phone. Went to the house and S2 was sleeping, H followed me to our room and laid on the bed to chat as I was doing stuff. Ended up just chatting and stuff then he tickled me which led into a fun half hour or so of wrestling and tickling. Kids eventually joined us and we had lots of laughs. His sister and neice landed with clothes for D6 so we had a visit and then made supper. During supper I said I was going to take the kids to the beach after supper and D6 asked H if he was going to join us. H told her he had some work to do (does contract work outside of his regular job) and D6 says that's ok, we'll have lots of fun with Mommy. H helps tidy up after supper and then heads out ... says have a good night and see you tomorrow afternoon for family day.
All in all, a good day ... I loved hanging out with the kids on the beach. I was sad earlier because H took them to a spot we always take them in the summer and I missed out on the kids, especially S2 seeing baby farm animals. I'm really happy to see him getting out and doing stuff with them ... I just wish I hadn't missed out.
Anyway ... gonna watch a movie with my baby bro (he's 13) and maybe have a treat ...
Peace, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I'm so guilty of this. I stepped in a lot towards the end when H was just angry all of the time. I wouldn't let him become abusive, but I stepped in a lot when I shouldn't have. Thanks for the new perspective.