A few questions: -Should I still pack up WH things and put them by door even though he has not contacted me or said anything about getting his things?
-Should I say anything to WH about coming to the house when I am not home. I was REALLY pissed when I got home yesterday and could tell he had been there, been in our room, watching TV, playing with the dog. He can't have it both ways...I want it to work out but he is contacting other women. When he answered my fake email the time date showed me he answered it when he was at our house. He is coming over and hanging out but no folding laundry, no doing dishes - not cool!
-What about bank account? Should I continue for now to just leave as is? It is going to be a NIGHTMARE if I have to divide things up.
Even though you might have not have any legal recourse (RE: your H coming over) I think it would be perfectly acceptable to simply ask him not to.
H: Since you have chosen to no longer live in our home I would appreciate it if you would not come over unannounced. In the future I ask you contact me before you simply stop by.
It is hardly outlandish to ask somebody who no longer lives in the home to call/text/e-mail their desire to come over before they just pop on by. IMO if you phrase it this way you are not telling him he can't come over. You are ASKING him not to without advance notice.
Now that you have concrete proof your H is engaging in prostitution I would divide the bank accounts ASAP. IMO you are very, very foolish not to (sorry, I am not being ugly but now that we have new information it is a necessary action). Prostitutes and ethics don't really go hand in hand. How do you know a prostitute won't steal money from your H (which in turn is stealing from you?).
And yes, pack his things (neatly, just as you would want your things packed) and let him know his personal belongings are ready to be picked up.
I understand your concern about doing too much too fast but sometimes we have to base actions on the most current information. Your H is contacting prostitutes from YOUR HOME and based on the e-mails you have he very well might be planning to bring them to YOUR home. IMO there is nothing left to do but take swift action.
And really, think about it the "other way". Your H had no issue with doing too much too fast. In a matter of weeks he left you, moved out and is now planning to use the home you both shared as a rendezvous spot for prostitutes. All of that is pretty quick, no?
My attny once told me you can ask your H to do anything you want. Ask him to stand on his head for 15 minutes each day if that is what you choose. His point was you can ask the WAS to do something (in your case not come over as he pleases even though the law says it is okay) as a courtesy. If your H says no, I will not honor your request, well, okay. Legally there is nothing you can do. But you can ask.
H: Since you have chosen to no longer live in our home I would appreciate it if you would not come over unannounced. In the future I ask you contact me before you simply stop by.
It is hardly outlandish to ask somebody who no longer lives in the home to call/text/e-mail their desire to come over before they just pop on by. IMO if you phrase it this way you are not telling him he can't come over. You are ASKING him not to without advance notice.
Now that you have concrete proof your H is engaging in prostitution I would divide the bank accounts ASAP. IMO you are very, very foolish not to (sorry, I am not being ugly but now that we have new information it is a necessary action). Prostitutes and ethics don't really go hand in hand. How do you know a prostitute won't steal money from your H (which in turn is stealing from you?).
Yup and yup, you have to do this, otherwise indirectly you're communicating to him that it's ok for him to do these things and you have to speak up for yourself and tell him it's not ok.
Actions speak louder than words, stand up for yourself, don't let him walk all over you, he can't respect you if you allow this.
Ok should I call or email? I think email is better. I have been trying not contacted him at all but I think this is an exception.
It's I guess not technically prositution (he does that too) but the craigslist ad is basically a mutual agreement between two people that want to have sex but I agree about the bank accounts.
Possible email:
Hi WAH,
Since you have chosen to no longer live in our home I would appreciate it if you would not come over unannounced. In the future I ask you contact me before you stop by.
Thanks!
As far as the bank accounts that getes more complicated (I know rob is going to say i'm making excuses). I'm already very overwhelmed and the thought of taking on that process now is causing a lot of anxiety. How does everyone feel if I wait a week for that? I need to get myself together a little more because that is going to be very time consuming. I am okay with telling him not to come over and pack his things.
Also, I know I keep bring the DB coach up but everything has become confusing. she basically told me not to help him along at all in the process and so for whatever reason I am having a lot of panic going against what she recommended. As I said he is VERY LITERALLY - it is kind of ridiculous. I am worried that if I do these things he will take it that I'm not willing to try and work on the marriage.
And one more thing. Since I have known his for 15 years I'm 95% sure he would respond to my email about not coming over and say "I was letting the dog out for you since I knew you were gone on Thursdays". I actually think this may have been his primary reason. I actually really appreciate it.
For whatever reason, if he says that it will make me feel bad. Like I did something wrong. Kind of like "here I was trying to do something nice and help you take out the dog and now I can't come over". He does this a lot.
Would I respond by saying: "Thank you very much for taking the dog out. I really appreciate it."?
I think the e-mail to your H (RE: not coming over unannounced) is perfect. It is polite, brief and to the point. Very good work!
If your husband is "very literal" there is nothing you can do about that. His reaction to your actions is something you cannot control.
When a situation becomes "dangerous" (and I put dangerous in quotes as I know your H is not physically abusing you but his behavior right now *is* dangerous) a certain level of logistical self protection must be in place. That is not to say you still can't follow and implement DB techniques. All we are suggesting is you put certain safeguards in place (protecting your money) so you *can* continue to DB with the notion your assets are safe. IMO that makes DB much easier.
You will worry yourself sick (been there, done that) if you endlessly ponder what your H might be thinking based on your actions. With all due respect your H has a very serious problem and people with very serious problems will find a way to twist things around in their favor. Not your issue.
IIRC the last session you had with your DB coach was a few days ago. Have you had another session to give your coach the updated information you have come across (the e-mails, the banking issue)? You can't expect a coach to give you good advice unless they have ALL the information. And quite honestly, if your coach advising you to keep things as they are after learning all the new updates I would question it all. Protecting your assets and ensuring your home is not a rendezvous point for your H's sexual liaisons is necessary. Let the DB coach help you with the emotional side of things if that is what you choose but right now you have to find a balance between the emotional side and the logistical side.
Your H has CHOSEN to no longer live in your home. Fine, his choice BUT that does not give him a free pass to initiate sexual contact IN YOUR HOME with women over the Internet and possibly use YOUR HOME as a meeting point.
Dividing bank accounts is a nightmare. What is the bigger nightmare though? Diving accounts now or dividing them once they have been squandered by an addict?
You are operating out of fear. You are fearful of your H's reactions. You will remain stuck forever if you don't eliminate the fear.
H: Thanks for coming by to walk the dog. While it was a thoughtful and appreciated gesture I have made alternate arrangements to have the dog tended to on Thursdays.
See, right now your H has ZERO sense of loss. There is no guarantee he ever will but either way you need to begin to operate as your own woman now. And part of being your own woman is safeguarding your finances, ensuring your home is not being used as a flop house and making arrangements for the care of your pets.
Would you allow a friend to use your home as a potential meeting spot for an afternoon roll in the hay? I doubt it. Why would you give your H the leeway to do so?
Thank you CityGirl. Everything you are saying is right (as is pretty much everything else rob, etc is saying too).
I hate myself right now. I want so badly to do this. I know this unhealthy. I know this is unhealthy. I know everyone is trying to help and wanting to slap me to wake up. I know it but doing it is hard.
I need to give it a few days. I tend to get very emotional and react on emotion and I just want to feel good when I do all this.
You are right, my coach did not have all information on Monday and since then a lot has happened. I made another appt for Monday 5/31 with her at 10am to go over everything.
Part of my other issue is I think I'm in denial about him being an addict. I keep going back and forth.
If WH contact me at all this weekend I will not answer (wasn't planning on it anyway) so I dont have to deal with any of the above until I talk to the coach. I think once I speak to her and get a clearer understanding of her role as oppossed to the forum role it will help me.
I will be home most of the weekend - except for running a few errands so he wouldnt be able to come over without me being here.
