As difficult as all of this seems..if you are anything like me, you will want the "pain" to just go away. You will want to "feel" better RIGHT NOW.
IMO - you really need to feel this. You still love your H and this is OK. It is why you are here. It is why you are holding out hope. Nothing wrong with this. It is a TRUE picture of your character. You love and you love deeply IMO. Recognize this. Accept that you have these feeling that are driven right now by a positive - LOVE.
Right now you really need to give yourself time. You need to be cut yourself some slack. Don't rush trying to find something to make all of the pain go away. IMO - you will just prolong it.
Stay in the moment - if you find that you are projecting the future - stop and realize that you are a wonderful loving person. A wonderful Mom. A person strong enough to endure the pain that you feel right now. Endure because you LOVE someone. Take comfort in this.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Shelbel- It was OK to show him that you care, you weren't demanding, manipulating, begging, controlling....you were just showing him that you still love him. What he does with that information is up to him, but I'm sure that it was noticed and filed....it may be remembered later.
Hung in there hon, you are doing good
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
You know that scene in "Top Gun" when Maverick plays with the Russian MIG? And the CO is standing in the tower screaming,
"DISENGAGE!! DISENGAGE!!!!"
Yeah. I need him.
I need to disengage, BUT I'm so freakin' mad at him right now I cn't even see straight. And yes, that BUT is meant just the way it sounds.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so effin sick of everybody bending over backwards to make sure his witty bitty feelings aren't hurt. Oh, poor baby. It's just like when he lived here. I didn't get to walk away from being an adult (I actually said that), I don't get to pick and choose what responsibilities I want (said that), and I've had my children for more than just four nights in six weeks (yep, said that too).
He wants them tonight, he doesn't want them. I'm still trying to get stuff done, and although I dearly love my kids, I am so worn out. He actually said, "Didn't we (WE!!!) just have them last weekend?Hmm?" Yeah, a$$hat, you did.
I'm so sick of his excuses. Sick of his acting like a baby. Sick of this sense of entitlement that permeates every-freaking-thing he does. (Eric, I think you touched on this topic. I'm going to have to read your thread again)
Get a job! Stop being a loser!
Right this second I don't give a sh!t if we ever get back together. Ever.
I reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow--but for right now I'm just pissed. I know this is part of it, the anger. I'm trying to do a better job of not blasting him, of directing it & letting go. But for now, I'm just going to be pissed.
If it is ever discussed (not that it ever will be, because right now he has no freakin' spine), then I am going to take my mother's suggestion and say something along these lines...
"I'm sorry you feel put out when I ask you to take the kids, H. Yes, you are right, my mother does watch them. Every minute I'm at work. Your mother has also been kind enough to help me out so I can work. Since you aren't working right now, I feel that you do have enough time to spend with them to help all of us take care of them. If this is not something you feel you can do, then I'm going to have to start asking for child support so I can pay someone to help me."
Or I can tell him to go get stuffed.
Dear God, it's going to be a long summer.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I know my post above this one is pretty pissy, but I promise I did my best to keep it reigned in. I came here to vent. My comments to him weren't good be anymeans, I really took the bait. I'd been ignoring for so long that I gave in a little when he started to berate me for a situation he helped create.
That said...
I drove the kids to the halfway point, he wasn't there. I'd been calling the house, no answer. Finally his brother visiting from out of state picked up, H had left with some guy. Figures. But the boys ADORE their uncle, so I drove the rest of the way there--just another 20 minutes.
I get there, H is there. First words out of his mouth were, "What's so f%$#@^g important that you need some ME time?" No response from me. He continued along the lines of I threw him out, I don't deserve any extra help, they are my kids, yadda yadda.
I reminded him that my mom has them when I work, his mom even helps me, I don't understand why he has such a hard time taking his kids for an overnight. Verbal barrage continued as I unpack the car, then repack the car because I wasn't leaving the kids there, then unpack it again when I decided to not give him exactly what he wants. The entire time he's yelling at me, in front of his brother--this big, sweet, lovable, quiet Harley guy who really was married to bat-chit crazy at one point. I could tell by his face that he was not happy.
"Gee, H. I can't imagine why I'd 'throw you out'."
I went inside to talk to his mom, she looked so tired, he followed me in & let loose on a full-out verbal assault. In front of his mom, his brother, his brother's girlfriend, his grandmother and our kids. I tried to stand my ground, but I'd forgotten what this looks like in the six weeks since he's been gone.
He started in on the "demands" I've set for him, rattling each one off after he's twisted it. "And you want me to see a shrink??! Yeah, sure, make me look like I'm the crazy one!!!!!"
"You're doing that well enough on your own, H."
He tried to tell me to leave, but I needed to talk to my MIL, so he left. I broke down right there. She said that she had never seen him act like that. I told her he'd been acting like that for two years towards me. His grandmother came to where I was sitting and just wrapped her arms around me.
I'd forgotten just how terrifying he can be. I'd forgotten how afraid I am of him sometimes.
His grandmother said she thought he looked like he'd been drinking, his mom said he hadn't been drinking. I told her I thought he'd been doing drugs again. She said, "Well this would be the town to get them in." H had left with his brother's friend, Harold. Harold--this low life pissant peddler of cheap drugs.
Going away for 15 minutes with Harold and NOT getting drugs would be like going into the VIP room at a strip club and NOT getting a lap dance. There really is no other reason to hang with Harold.
Answers that question.
My MIL said that he'd been saying that I threw him out because I didn't want him anymore, but if that was the way he'd been acting, then she couldn't blame me. "...he can't stay here either if that's the way he's going to act."
"I just can't do it anymore, MIL."
"No, you shouldn't have to."
More crying from me. It's not just all in my head like he'd like me to believe.
I told her I love him, but that's not enough and I have to protect me. I have to protect the kids--and I'm afraid that after they are gone (his parents & his grandmother), any relationship he has with the kids is going to end because I'm scared. He can't be in my home like this. I won't be afraid in my own home.
When I left H was walking with his brother. I would bet money he'd given him an earful. I doubt it does any good. I think he's too far gone right now.
I'm sorry...I do love him, but I just can't do this. I don't know if I belong here anymore. MLC or no MLC, I can't wait for him to get his crap together if it means sacrificing myself. Or my kids.
I will love him from here, but I'm washing my hands. I'm dropping the rope, not because I just can't handle it anymore--but because I'm afraid he's going to hang himself with it and I'm not going down with him.
Someone please tell me what to do now.
I don't know if I'm standing, or if I'm just standing in the line of fire.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
You know your H better than anyone. If you are scared of him then I would definitely go dark. I know you have kids together but if he is on drugs, I wouldn't worry about a co-parenting plan right now with him. If he wants to see them or know what is going on with them, he can contact you!
Try that for awhile and see where it takes you next.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Look you have EVERY Right to be angry - you do. You seem really angry, really pissed. Hell FTR so DO I. So (and you knew this was comming) what r u going to do? IMO you have two choices.
You can stay pissed off - file say f it and try and move on with your life as a wounded soul or...
You could say to yourself - hey I one hell of a f'in mom and women but I have a few things on want to work on so let me focus on that.
As a CHANGED man - let me say to you that H may change. A big stress on Lmay" cause honestly no one on these boards can tell u that your H will change. What we can tell you is that YOU will change if u want to.
So do you want to react in anger or do you want to react from a position of strength?
You are a very strong women Shelbel- at least that what I can see. Having said this who is the real Shelbel? You know the one that exist when no one is around. What does that Shelbel want? What is that Shebel willing to pay for?
Let me save u having to read all of my old posts.
Shelbel - I was a f'in mess when the bomb was dropped. A mess. Me W was the sweetiest person you could have met prior to all of this. Me? Well I was ur typical puerto rican macho make with a ton of pride. My W never had anything she could call her own. Never had a sense of independance. Never had a sense of self. Never. Because of this she now feels entitled to whatever it is she wants. FTR - my D will hurt not only emotionally but financially as well. This though is not the point I want to make. The poiny that I REALLY want u to think about is this? If one of your boys was acting like a selfish child what would do? How would you react? Would you give him the keys to your car? I bet not.
Your H right now is a f'ing child - do U really want him watching ther kids right now?
Shelbel - you are angry and that is good. Feel and process the anger and then let is go. Your children need an adult and right now that is YOU..
God Bless and try to have a better weekend. Focus on ther positive and not the negatives.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sorry. I did not see your last post before I responded.
Look your hurt, your scared. I agree with confused. You need to go dark. F that let me say it very clearly. You need to isolate you and your kids from H. Let the emotions that both you and him are feeling settle down.
IMO - he is trying to manipulate you. He knows you love him and he knows that he needs to change but he can't right now. He is hurling sh@t your way. Now is the time for you to really think about you and the kids.
I have to drop my sons girlfriend off at her house right now but I will post again in about 30 mins.
Please let us know if u r okay. Please try and relax.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
i read your other post and wanted to say F him. so...F him, that m-f-ing b$@tard, no good POS. i wish you could see me saying this b/c you would crack up (i'm this petite girl who well you just wouldn't imagine cursing ).
we're here for you...feel free to vent, get angry, change your mind the next day, have every other emotion under the sun, and repeat.
).