Could it be?

[Upside]

HB-I know you have been in the same place I am...I have just reached the point where I'm not sure I love him anymore...at least the man he is now. This is my 2nd M. My first H had his own crisis and married the OW. Years later when I met my H, I was still somewhat devasted with a lot of trust issues. He was so good to me and would have done anything to make me happy. The man he is now, doesn't (or can't) give a crap about anyone but himself. I feel bad that he is in the place he is in but he makes me feel used and taken advantage of. I don't like myself for continually tolerating the lack of caring and disrespect. And I am tired of the proverbial carrot being dangled. Right now without my H, I feel I have lost nothing and I have gained some control of my life...and found some of my self-respect in the process. I don't regret trying to DB my marriage because I learned about myself and relationships in this process. It is just time for me to let go and live my life as if I not waiting for someone to catch up with me. I have no idea what the future has in store and I will try to never say never, but I know need to live my life for me now. And I hope and pray that my H finds whatever it is that will make him happy.

peace-Yes, the twists and turns and ups and downs have been intense. I have my doubts that there won't be more up ahead but for now I am at peace and feel good about moving forward. I cried at first but now it just feels right. I won't rule out anything for the future however, I don't think I could be as tolerant of my H's selfish behavior again and I just don't see him moving that far forward anytime soon. How are you and your kids? Anything new?

glam-I have not had any communication with my H since last Tuesday or Wednesday? He was supposed to get me paperwork on Friday since I am going to be the plantiff but of course I have heard nothing. He was also supposed to come and get his things this weekend and didn't. Shocker! He continues to avoid hoping everything will just go away. Looks like I am going to have to force the issue. What's going on with you?

[glamgirl]

I understand completely Upside what you are going through. You never know what the MLC'er might do when they feel the real loss.

I am actually doing very good, but am in a very precarious situation right now with my h. Trying my best to navigate these trecherous waters and figure out what is going on. More to come on this later.

I have recently become unemployed, moved, and contemplating the next chapter of my life. All of this was actually for the best. My spirits are high and the above has helped me move out of the deep depression and rut I was in. It's as if a huge burden has been lifted. I am spending an amazing amount of time with the kids and can live off unemployment for a good chunk of time.

Spending 5 days a week in the gym and eating extremely clean. One of the benefits of MLC. Ha Ha Ha!

Stay strong Upside and keep us posted. Curious as to what your h will do next. Doesn't suprise me he didn't pick up stuff or process paperwork. He is stuck and that is really not the direction he wants to go, but can't say yes to coming home either. Hence stuck and confused! We know the script well! Ha Ha!

Hugs!

[Upside]

I have be handling the situation very well until yesterday. I saw my H driving down the street. Looked like he had someone in the car with him and my S said he saw him at the gym with a group of people. It kind of bothered me and I'm not sure why. I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve more than he is willing to give me. Yes, I could continue to wait and hope that someday he will give me more than the crumbs he gives me now but I don't think it is healthy for me nor is it a good thing for my children to observe. The only thing that I am missing from him is his companionship when he felt like being with me which sometimes wasn't as often as I thought is should be...and sometimes wasn't all that comfortable if he wasn't in a good mood. I am better off alone.

I sent my H an email on Monday saying I thought he was going to come get his things over the weekend and if he was working on the divorce paperwork. He told me he would come get his things on Thursday (today) and the paperwork should be ready in the next day or two. No word from him since. I will send him an email today asking if he is coming to get his things and if the paperwork is done. He is sooooo good at procrastinating, I'm sure he will put me off again in some way. That is the whole reason why I don't want to do this anymore. If I would let him, he would keep dangling the carrot forever. I never wanted a divorce but I can't keep chasing a carrot that I'm never gonna get...plus that carrot is no longer looking that appetizing.

glam-Sorry to hear about the job situation. What happened to the business you were starting with your H? I am glad you are staying positive...it can be difficult in times like this but your kids need you to be strong. We don't need to be stuck and confused even if our H's are!!! Are you still living in the same area? Do you see your H often?

[Grace_O]

Upside,

Even though you have decided to end this and move on, it will still take time. Be patient with yourself.

HUGS

[Upside]

Hi Grace-You are absolutely correct...this is still going to take time for me to get through. Thanks for the hugs.

My H did come by and get his things yesterday. It is all kind of surreal. I am numb in ways...yet feeling scared and very alone at the same time. I must admit there is a part of me that wants to run back to what once was but I can't. I wasn't happy there either so I have to remind myself to move keep moving forward, even if I don't know where this road will lead.

My friend told me yesterday that she ran into my H and he told her that I asked for a D. She said she asked him if I had found someone else and he said he didn't know. I would think that they would both know me better than that. Anyway, I was surprised that my H said anything to her...he doesn't usually talk about these things.

My H says he will will have the D papers ready today. I keep thinking that I should ask him if he is sure he can't move forward together before I sign them. Probably not a good idea. I can't keep doing this to myself.

[Grace_O]

If you really want the answer to that question then ask. It doesn't mean you have to change anything, just more information.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't keep doing this to yourself. I am just patient enough (usually) to make sure it's really what I want for me. So, there are times I have asked questions that I know others would think I should not. It's all just data that I collect and then put together in some way that (so far) has worked for me.

Like you, at times I live in a world painted by Dali (hmm, maybe it's Bosch). Anyway, it is colorful.

[Upside]

Grace, you are so wise.

I decided to send the following email...

Since you say you will have the divorce paperwork done today, I just want us to be clear on everything. This has never been been what I wanted nor do I want it now. I have asked for the divorce for my self-preservation since you are unable to commit to the marriage. It makes me sad especially knowing that we could be happy together if you could just give me a little more. For what ever reason, you seem to be unwilling or incapable of doing that for me thus leaving me no choice but to move forward without you. I still wish things could be different but I can't change you and I can't give anymore than I already have without getting anything in return.

If there is something that I have said here that isn't true, please let me know.

Otherwise, please let me know when the paperwork is ready for me to come and sign.


It seemed like the right thing to do. I laid it all out there one last time. I don't expect anything to come from it. It was just something I needed to say. I feel okay about it at the moment...I hope it stays that way.

[glamgirl]

Upside I think the email sounded fine. Sometime we just need to put it all out there and let our partner come to the table or not and I think that is what you did.

It will either push him to do the right thing or push him to file. You will be fine either way.

I see my h almost daily, but I have kids with him and so this would be expected I think. I am living in the same area. Our business partner decided the business was not for him and so we decided to not continue with it as well. It was the right decision for now.

[Grace_O]

Upside,

The email was clear and nice. I don't know what else you can do for yourself there. I know you will find it in yourslef to move in any direction you choose regardless of any response.

Too bad it has to hurt so bloody much sometimes.

I have to say I am inspired by your ability to take on all that you have.

HUGS

[Upside]

I know I'm not handling things the DB way but I have tried as best I could for 3+ years. I want more than what this emotionally stunted H of mine has been offering. I know my latest actions won't change anything but I am ready for whatever happens next...

My H never replied to the email, he only sent me the divorce documents. As wrong as it was, I decided to call. I asked if he got the email. He said he did and that there was nothing to respond to. He was obviously angry. I got a little emotional and told him I could drop the signed papers off at his office (my office is close by). He told me to look over the papers and if I wanted to sign them, I could fax them back on Tuesday. To get me off the phone he told me had something to get done and he would call me back in a little while. So, I sat in my office looking over the papers and I decided to sign them. Then I decided to take them to his office. He wasn't happy that I showed up but we did talk for a few minutes. He told me he got the paperwork done because it is what I wanted!!! He suggested we meet to talk later after work. I reluctantly agreed and left the signed papers on his desk.

Later he sent me a text saying he didn't feel like talking and the the documents were on his desk. I replied that I know he told me he wanted to meet just to get rid of me. I also told him I wanted to clarify something..."you told me you got the papers done because it is what I want. I don't want any of this. What I do what is a secure, loving, respectful, happy relationship in some form or another. That is what I want...I wanted it with you but for some reason you are incapable of giving me what I want. You would rather process divorce papers than give me what I truly want. Just for the record, I would much rather have a loving husband than a divorce." After a long time he replied "So why did you send me an email you wanted a divorce". I said "Because you continue to not be a loving and appreciative husband" and "Everything is on your terms. When I ask for anything you either runaway or react badly in some way." His response was "So I guess it made sense for you to send that email". I replied "And you can't understand how I feel?" He said "I can see how you feel". Then my phone died. When I got home and was able to charge my phone, I replied to him that this conversation didn't translate well thru text messaging. I told him when he was ready to talk, then he should call me. I haven't heard anything back from him.

So the ball is completely in his court. He can file the divorce papers on Tuesday or he can talk to me. He is angry right now so I wouldn't be surprised if he just files the papers. It is not what I would prefer but I will be okay. I just need to move forward.

glam-Sorry about your business. You are a very bright and energetic lady...I'm sure good things will be coming along for you soon. You are right that I will be fine either way. This long journey we have been on has a way of toughening you up.

Grace-I don't understand why it does have to hurt so bloody much no matter which direction you go. I just want to move forward and be as happy as I can be. I am just so tired of feeling like my H is pulling me down. What is going on in your sitch? Have you filed? I think your girls are about my kids ages? Are either of them going off to college soon? My S graduated last year however he is still at home going to community college. My D will graduate next year. I am positive I will have an empty nest next year so I'm trying to prepare myself for that...yikes!