Are you mind-reading or did he tell you he always thinks about his parents when he is alone with you? if this bothers you then it is your responsiblity to bring it up. Did your H know how you felt? When you felt "in the way" how did you act?
not mind reading. on his way home from work, he'd be calling his parents. he'd come through the door and often he'd say "omg, after talking to my mother i get really tense. she fires 20 questions at me all the time. what are you doing tomorrow? are you going to cut the grass? you have to remember to water the lawn or else it will dry out. i saw on the weather channel it's going to be a hot one so you better remember to water your lawn. are you going to home depot? you have to go to home depot to get the potting soil that's on sale. they have the best potting soil. i think you could be running out of vitamins. are you running out of vitamins? are you taking salmon oil? maybe you should take a cod liver oil pill like your father. what do you think? what are you doing on saturday? what are you doing on sunday? what time are you getting up on sunday? are you going out for breakfast or staying in? are you going to costco? what are you going to buy at costco?" and it just goes on and on. and you just want to say .. shut the f*k up.
you think i'm making this stuff up. uh no. i have a story about her making a sandwich that would just drive you insane.
but i digress ..
so first thing he talks about while we're making dinner is what's going on with his parents. whether they are getting ripped off and they are blaming others for their own stupidity, or they are talking about family issues. what's going on with his father and his health issues. how his father is living on borrowed time because he's already had three heart attacks and he could die any day now, y'know.
and then often he'd be pensive during football. and i'd ask him if something is wrong. and it'd always be about his parents. how he's worried about them. during his phone calls, they constantly complain about their health issues. how his father is losing his memory and can't remember things. maybe he's got alzheimer's (self-diagnosis). maybe he's having a stroke. omg omg .. he's living on borrowed time because he's already had three heart attacks .. maybe this is the big one. omg!
it's hard to bring this up with h because i understand that he worries about his parents. and i would hate myself if i told him not to worry and suddenly his father does croak. and parents dying is a sensitive subject. his parents have been obsessed with death for years and neither of them have had a close call. death is part of aging. why not live happy? why constantly talk about dying? if you want to die so badly, here's a gun. pull the trigger. why delay the inevitable? (y'know, i regret not saying THAT while they were here at Christmas cuz then he'd have a legit reason to d me)
he got mad at me when i wanted to celebrate our first anniversary together. his father was here and he wanted to spend our anniversary with his father. his father didn't understand why i wanted to spend my anniversary with my h. his father was offended when i booked a hotel for my h and i. i guess i should have told his father that i did that instead of taking off on my own. but h's reaction was always the same. he would be mad at me because he only gets to spend a couple of weeks a year with his parents. so i shouldn't be jealous of them. he claims that i get all of his attention for the rest of the year but honestly, i don't.
in january, he's focused on work because it's evaluations month. in february, he's recovering from january and it's all about him. oh a valentine's day care package from his mom. in march, he starts thinking about his parents because it's been three months since he has seen him. we have to start planning on a trip out to see his parents. his mom's birthday is coming up so *i* have to think about a creative gift for her. in april, it's his mom's birthday. let's plan a week trip out to see her. oh look, an easter care package from his mom. in may, we have to think about mother's day for his mom. we also have to start redecorating the house because his parents may come to visit in the summer and we can't let them think that we don't do anything with the house. in june, we have to think about father's day for his dad. oh, and his father is planning on coming out to visit for 2.5 weeks. oh joy. oh and another care package from his mom! in july, it's his father's birthday so *i* have to think about a gift to send his father. in august, he starts thinking of going to visit his parents because the last time he went to see them was april. in september, we have to start thinking about redecorating the house because his parents are going to fly in for thanksgiving in nov. in october, we're redecorating. every weekend is out looking for furniture. oh look! a halloween care package from his mom. in november, it's h's birthday and parents are here to celebrate his b-day and thanksgiving. oh joy! double joy - another care package!! we also have to start thinking about what to buy everyone for christmas. massive shopping yet again. and guess who has to do all the thinking? and planning on when to fly out to see his parents for christmas. in december, we are with his parents for half a month.
btw, did i mention valentine's day flowers? our anniversary? my birthday? yeah. not a big deal.
that's the pattern that happens year after year. it's not about h and me. the marriage was always about them. when i brought it up, my h said that i didn't have a right to be jealous of his parents who he claims he saw only two weeks in a year. but according to the timeline above, we saw them more than two weeks in a year. he was so defensive when i would bring up how i felt neglected. he felt that his parents needed his attention because they were old and helpless. when i asked for attention from him, it came across as being needy and clingy. so i stopped. at christmas, i had enough. if he didn't see me as important, then what was important to him, was no longer important to me. still, i wasn't rude to his parents. i didn't make much of an effort to start conversation. i would participate in the conversation but i wouldn't initiate it much. his mom often spoke to me like i was four years old. they would stay for 2 weeks and i would be fine for the first 7 days. after that, i would get sick of watching my h spoil his parents and how everything was about his parents. i felt like i was invisible.
when i felt like i was in the way, i often made myself scarce. i would go into the office and work. i would always ask if they needed anything before i tucked away though. when i would go into the office, they would feel offended. but why would i want to be in the room when they just talk amongst themselves? the three of them just turn towards each other and you wonder whether anybody could see that i'm on fire.
and no, i'm not guessing at what he's thinking. i actually had this conversation with him in january when he dropped the d-bomb. i tried so hard to tell him how i felt and my point of view but he was so fogged up. nothing got through. he just didn't get it. he only saw how hurt his parents were - he kept going back to how rude i was to his parents and how he has never been more embarrassed to have me as a wife at that point.
i will always remember those words. i've never said anything like that to my h.
after everything i've done. i'm an embarrassment.
Quote:
Someone who stays awake all night wondering whether or not there is a Dog?
