WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

SOS - advice needed from the outside

I'm getting discouraged about the chances for H and I. I know that doubts are part of this and have been trying to ride the wave.. but I feel like I'm fooling myself today.

Unlike some other peoples' WAH, mine keeps moving forward with his plan.. no sign of wavering (unless I missed it)... I'm guessing that guilt is probably eating him up inside (it would have the old H anyway) so maybe that propels him to keeping on the same track (that and saving face)... And for that reason, maybe I'm fooling myself that he'd approach me again. I don't think H is strong enough to stand tall after everything is said and done. I think too much has been done to him as a child and he's done too much right now to his family to be able to come back. Yet he hasn't actually filed anything yet... tried to when he was angry but couldn't as child issues have not been documented...Doesn't mean he won't though when he can...

I don't know what I'm doing with regards to talking to him/not talking to him.. If what my gut is saying is real or just wishful thinking... Dim or Dark? Tell him tidbits about the kids' lives or not? Good reaction from telling him or not?

I'm too close to this.. I don't know the path to take anymore..

Help!

[Mila]

DG - I don't know if this is any comfort or not but I'm kind of in the same state of mind.

I don't know how to talk/not talk to him either. I too have a gut feeling that we are not done, yet he continues on his MLC journey with OW.

I have dropped the rope, but I haven't cut it.

I think that the only path we can take right now is the path of taking care of us, to live for us...what else is there? We can't change them, we can't make them come back. If they wake-up later they will let us know.

It the mean time we could act in a way that doesn't burn any bridges that they may need to cross to come back to us.


(((hugs)))

[DiamondGirl]

I really appreciate your support...it does help some to know I'm not alone thanks... (((Mila))) I'm just trying to muddle my way through my feelings and not doing a very good job of it...

I've been reading posts and trying to get my bearings again.. trying to impart what little I know to others... I'm starting to have a rougher time of it though now... In reading others' mistakes I've realized even more painfully the depth of mine in my M and more recently in my interactions with H ... And it's making me feel even more hopeless..

I wasn't the emotional lead.. and I stopped following his along the way...

I didn't get over what happened to me as a child.. I thought I had.. but nowhere close.. Sexual intimacy meant something totally different to me than to him... I still am a long way from being on the same page on that front...

I stopped being strong from within and started coping with things unemotionally.. stopped feeling..

And the b!tch of it is I feel and show feelings 10x more since he left than I did in the last 10 years.. and it sucks that I know this too late... cuz it feels like too late for me and H right now.. Now someone like me (but not exactly) has stepped in where I fell down... and he's running in her direction at every opportunity..

No I'm not saying my M breakdown is all my fault.. I've moved past that and know what was in my control and not..

But boy did I f*ck up what *was* in my control... and still am.. I have no idea how H is ever going to know it's possible for us to come back from this... That I understand we both made mistakes (and still are) out of pain and unknowing... I feel like he is going to keep running because the idea of trying to make a new R with me would be even more painful to him.. I know too much.. I know him too much.. I just didn't know me until recently.. and I still don't...

I don't feel that me knowing me and being me is enough to bring him back from the fantasy he's created with her. I don't feel enough anymore for him. Not saying he is better than I.. but that he may not know that I can be what he needs in a W.. if given another chance..

[DiamondGirl]

H has convinced me. I'm too broken to fix and be married to. H has found someone who isn't broken and is worth the effort. All the years of my trying wasn't good enough... MLC or not, I don't feel he can ever love me again. I find it hard to think that any future R with anyone will be any different.

The idea of watching him and OW live happily ever after and her around my children makes me want to not be here to see it.

Why am I still here if I am so beyond staying married to?

I'm too broken. I screwed up the only relationship that ever meant anything to me.

I don't want to be here to watch.

[DiamondGirl]

I give up. I want to die. After all I've been through in 39 years, I'm done. It's too hard to be me. My kids would be better off without my screwed up influence.

Thanks to all of you for your support. I wish you the best in your journeys.

[seeking answers]

DG, Please call someone for help. Look at your beautiful children that God blessed you with, they need you!

[seeking answers]

DG?

[DiamondGirl]

They'll have H. And a woman who knows how to love him like I couldn't. They'll be fine... Better than being stuck with someone who can't show love the way everyone else seems to know how to do.

No one to call right now. No point. H said it all and more. I'm broken and he doesn't want to see I'm changing. Why bother then? For another struggle? That's all I've known. And I'm tired of fighting.

[seeking answers]

DG, I'm here for you. H is out for himself right now and no good to anyone especially your kids. Think about your children and what it would do to them. An insane father and no mother. Please DG, no one is worth this.

[seeking answers]

DG, Please talk to me.