still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

I also found this in MLC and pasted it in Red's Thread but here is what applies to affairs and fence sitting WHs!

Red,this is very long and from Hearts Blessing and WOW OH WOW- I recommend that you read it!!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=96158&page=1

This is concerning CYCLES

A "cycle" starts when the same behavior is repeated over and over for a period of time and there is NO end to it-it "circles" in other words. And the person repeating the "cycle" must have help to break free from it.

Something HAS to give when a cycle starts, someone's behavior has to change or a confrontation has to ensue.

For example:

Say a man has OW, but wants his wife too seeing them both because he is too weak to decide what he wants. The wife states her stand on it, and he promises to get rid of OW. But he ignores what she says and lies to her so he can keep right on seeing OW AND his wife, too-"fence-sitting" is a better word for that or "cake-eating".

After giving the man a reasonable period of time-usually a week, the wife then needs to change her behavior toward the man, "cutting him off", "going dark" AFTER telling him ONE MORE TIME where she stands.

In effect, the change of behavior SHOULD break the "cycle".

When it doesn't break, something is wrong-the wife MUST stick to her guns and NOT allow him to see her at all-"cycles" are difficult to break when the wife lacks the strength to enforce her stand. IF he moves on, she has lost nothing, but allowing for human nature, most of the time, the man will go on and dump the OW, coming back to the wife, knowing she means business, and won't allow him to get away with this.

You see, people will do what we allow them to get away with, and when the SAME problem crops up AGAIN and AGAIN, it begins what is called a "cycle" and a change in behavior is called for to break it. And that change MUST be solid, no waffling-self-respect is at usually at stake.

In MLC, there are certain times when this will work, and you must know when those times are.

I've seen several cases here of "cycles" and some them continue on and on, because the LBS lacks the strength to make a stand, afraid of being willing to lose all to possibly regain the MLC'er.

As long as the MLC'er is waffling between the wife and OW, it is a good time to break a cycle.

It might try the patience of the LBS, but in the end, unless the MLC'er goes nuts and chooses OW, it should work.