Thanks Laura...I tried the adoring way for 10 months (I went NC from Mar-mid June 09) and all I got is this lousy talk of divorce! (har har- trying to make fun of the lousy t-shirt saying)
My cycle was being kind and loving and allowing cake eating. So I am breaking that cycle.
I am not treating WH like crap but I am no longer gazing up at him lovingly while he goes home to OW every day.
He can remember how I treated him before April when he told me he wanted a divorce. I was letting him come over, I was adoring him while showing my improvements and GALing....so this is a contrast for sure.
He can think "hmm...if I don't leave newmama I would get an adoring wife and mother! but now I see if I leave her she isn't so crazy about me. Golly, I kinda liked the adoring version of newmama. Shucks, this OW is starting to lose her shine but I did promise to stay with her and she does put out...do I really want to be with her for life though?"
Actually, I think that if the hormones are wearing down it is better timing for me to be pulling away because as the fog lifts he will see "crap! There goes the true love of my life! I better get her back! What was I thinking!" versus me hearing he wants to divorce me and acting the same loving and adoring way and showing I am waiting forever...take your sweet time...take another year or two.... Don't worry! I am patient! You can indulge in OW until you get sick of her or until she dumps you!
Now I do think that if I pulled away right away last year, during the chemical high, he would have let me go through with the divorce and eventually he would have regretted it. But it is better for me to do it AFTER he has seen my improvements (in looks and ability and attitude)and after I had shown him that I WAS willing to wait for awhile. He will feel that he lost his "chance" because the tables are turning!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
WH: arrives, I tell him to be careful of the large box (I ordered S a toy kitchen for his b-day). I greet S and then ask WH if his back is better yet. WH puts S in his crib, then comes back down. I am standing in the entry way. He makes conversation about the toy kitchen. I explain that I will get more accessories as S gets older and that I will be putting it together this weekend but it might take 4-6 hours from what I read. He smiled at me and said he could put it together for me. I said "well, I want to do it this weekend..." (I will ask him for help if I mess it up but I will do it myself first)
Then he said "So you mowed the lawn!" and I said in a joking, light way "Well my landlord has been working his ass off so I figured he didn't have time so I did it." He paused for a second and then laughed-genuinely- and looked at me. I smiled a little. He said "so you remembered what to do?" and I explained that I remembered I needed to prime the pump and found the little button.
Well he used the bathroom and while he was in there I was at the sink, doing some dishes. Evidence of my caramel corn was in the kitchen (and the house smelled great!) but he didn't say anything. He made some conversation about S' cold and his car seat and how much he slept...I do believe the man was LINGERING. Then he asked me about the pick up time on Saturday. I started thinking out loud, said I would text him, and then said no- make it easy- 4:00 is fine. He smiled at me again.
So it was friendly and then he left and that was that.
And by the way, I wore my pajama bottoms and my Optimus Prime T- shirt (W.W. [optimus prime] D.?) with some caramel on it(oops!)and my hair was messy. Just throwing that in there!
Last edited by newmama; 05/28/1004:19 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
A "cycle" starts when the same behavior is repeated over and over for a period of time and there is NO end to it-it "circles" in other words. And the person repeating the "cycle" must have help to break free from it.
Something HAS to give when a cycle starts, someone's behavior has to change or a confrontation has to ensue.
For example:
Say a man has OW, but wants his wife too seeing them both because he is too weak to decide what he wants. The wife states her stand on it, and he promises to get rid of OW. But he ignores what she says and lies to her so he can keep right on seeing OW AND his wife, too-"fence-sitting" is a better word for that or "cake-eating".
After giving the man a reasonable period of time-usually a week, the wife then needs to change her behavior toward the man, "cutting him off", "going dark" AFTER telling him ONE MORE TIME where she stands.
In effect, the change of behavior SHOULD break the "cycle".
When it doesn't break, something is wrong-the wife MUST stick to her guns and NOT allow him to see her at all-"cycles" are difficult to break when the wife lacks the strength to enforce her stand. IF he moves on, she has lost nothing, but allowing for human nature, most of the time, the man will go on and dump the OW, coming back to the wife, knowing she means business, and won't allow him to get away with this.
You see, people will do what we allow them to get away with, and when the SAME problem crops up AGAIN and AGAIN, it begins what is called a "cycle" and a change in behavior is called for to break it. And that change MUST be solid, no waffling-self-respect is at usually at stake.
In MLC, there are certain times when this will work, and you must know when those times are.
I've seen several cases here of "cycles" and some them continue on and on, because the LBS lacks the strength to make a stand, afraid of being willing to lose all to possibly regain the MLC'er.
As long as the MLC'er is waffling between the wife and OW, it is a good time to break a cycle.
It might try the patience of the LBS, but in the end, unless the MLC'er goes nuts and chooses OW, it should work.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
just went back to the file I created on 4/1/10 of all the divorce forms I need. I printed out the 10 page packet of instructions and will read it. Each week I will do something closer to completing the divorce paperwork so that I am ready in July if he still hasn't filed.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Mind if I ask why? Have your feelings changed? Other than the dating thing,(duh) how would your life be different?
Just wondering....
Whatnow, I am committed to bringing up the discussion of the divorce in July. I am going to take my therapist's advice and "give warning" through some carefully phrased questions. I want to thoroughly find out why he has been taking so long, what his doubts are, and I will be prepared to follow through on filing for divorce instead of just saying "hey...I am moving forward...I mean it! Really! I won't wait forever! I'm serious!" because I will have given him at least 15 months and 3 chances to end it before I filed for divorce.
By July, it will also have been at least 2 months since he said he wanted to go through with the divorce. Also 2 months of him getting to experience the divorced dad lifestyle.
What would be different for me other than dating is that I would be showing WH that I will not put up with HIM getting to decide if HE wants to end his seedy relationship with OW.I feel like I am losing respect for myself by sitting around any longer. And 15 months is long enough to have a clue that you want to be with someone long term or not. I wouldn't have done it at 6 months because it is too soon in his "relationship" to know if he WON'T want to be with her long term.
Seriously, I think in his case, if I were to file at 6 months he would say "ok,I understand" and it would have happened. I still had respect for myself for waiting until S was 1 year of age...or until I was DONE. But I won't like myself if I wait much longer. I am getting confused as to whether this is really worth it.
His actions and behavior, at this point, are showing me that he has changed from the man I fell in love with, married, and believed in this whole time. He clearly doesn't share the same dream of having a family that I do, and prefers a seedy life over a healthy one.
The divorce in our case is pretty simple. It will be a bunch of paperwork, no attorneys, and 4 weeks of custody classes. I will move on.
For S' sake, I will keep an open mind to reconciliation one day if the man I married (loving, committed, responsible, STRONG, compassionate, STRONG (worth repeating)) returns to me because it will take a lot of effort on his part to end contact with OW, to go to IC, to face friends and family, to be transparent and patient with me, etc.
But if I meet a wonderful man who is good to S, then I would like to be able to experience my dream of having a family.
Also, I can't help but think that if we had been together longer then I would wait longer. 10+ years of history instead of 5...
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I will still have hope for the next 5 weeks though!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
