So much progress forward...such a quick slide backwards.
H came over tonight to take S6 to the Tball pictures. He brought them back, the kids wanted him to stay so I told him he was welcome to stay for a little bit. He said no, he had things he needed to get done. We were saying goodbye, so I reached for his hand and the next thing I know my head is on his shoulder, I'm crying quietly and he's patting my back. S8 told him he needed to stay, I felt H shake his head back and forth.
He said, "There's plenty of time to talk and decide what's important."
He turned and left, S8 chased his van to the end of the road.
I'm weak. I think that qualifies as a *fail*.
I don't care--it felt honest. Probably the first honest emotion he's seen from me.
At least now he knows how I feel, huh?
:shakes head in disbelief:
I don't know why it happened. I've been so strong for so long. In front of him, anyway. I don't know if it was coming home to find him playing catch in the yard with the boys, or the way he smiled at me as I walked towards them, but tonight I just cracked. Right in front of him.
I don't know what to do or think right now.
I don't want to think anything.
I'm going to go to bed, read some of Laura Munson's book and start again tomorrow.
And be grateful I don't have to see him Saturday when he comes up for S6's game. I have until NEXT weekend to compose myself.
I want to go crawl under a rock.
Go ahead. Let 'em fly.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
No 2X4's from me. I feel for you. In my eyes you did nothing wrong. You showed him you love him. Will he see it and change? Who knows.
Look your no suppose to shut down all emotions. As we have said this sh+t is tough. Now please feel this hurt right now - cry - scream out to god - cry some more. GET THE PAIN OUT.
Then pick yourself up. Dust yourself off and get ready for the next day.
I often looked at my kids when I was down and they help me to realize that I must go on. I must press on.
Feel this hurt, redirect the anger that may folllow and channel that energy into something positive. What would that be....you and your kids.
I don't know how you feel - I am not you. If it is anything like what I felt....then my heart goes out to you.
Know this...
You are not alone You will survive You will learn from this You will become stronger
I will pray for you tonight Shelbel
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I had a tough one too ... we all do, we love them and sometimes the emotion gets the best of us. You did nothing wrong, but Eric is right ... get it out ... then dust yourself off and chin up ... I'm trying too
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
No 2 X 4 from here either Shelbel. Sometimes the heart has a mind of its own. The good news is that tomorrow is a new day and another chance to move forward.
You were true to yourself. No games. This isn't about games this is life and living for YOU.
There is nothing to regret...
It WAS true. And the Truth is NEVER wrong. EVER.
Playing games = manipulation, and is wrong.
DBing is not about "you don't get love from me until you get your stuff together." It's about being a loving place that the MLCer can return to when they get their mind right.
You did just that. He was in a place where he could sort of interact as a part of the family, and you showed him that he was still welcomed by you in that role.
Standing is being that place. You should be proud of yourself for being that forgiving place last night.
There may come a time when expressions like that hurt yourself too much to do. If that happens, then you'll know it's time to hold back, and be loving in another way. And if that should happen, then you are in luck, this is the place to find examples and advice on those loving yet less hurting expressions.
Till that might happen, STOP KICKING YOURSELF!
I mistakenly left out the most important part of my post about forgiveness.
You have to forgive yourself first if you want to forgive others.
I'm sorry that you had such a hurtful night. I'm especially sorry about your S.
Best,
Punktmann
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
You were true to yourself. No games. This isn't about games this is life and living for YOU.
There is nothing to regret...
It WAS true. And the Truth is NEVER wrong. EVER.
Playing games = manipulation, and is wrong.
DBing is not about "you don't get love from me until you get your stuff together." It's about being a loving place that the MLCer can return to when they get their mind right.
You did just that. He was in a place where he could sort of interact as a part of the family, and you showed him that he was still welcomed by you in that role.
Standing is being that place. You should be proud of yourself for being that forgiving place last night.
Thank you so much everyone. I've been rereading these responses over and over, finding some comfort, trying to understand that being vulnerable isn't the same as being weak.
I'm going to have to print out some of these quotes and put them into my journal. It means so much to see them, to know that so many of you have been right where I am now and I'm not just a blubbering pile of goo. Well, maybe I am--but it's okay that I am! *weak lol*
I don't think my eyes have been this swollen since the first week.
I don't have too much more to add--I haven't moved very far from where I was last night. I'll be checking out everyone else's thread. Maybe I can lose myself in those & it will help me work through this.
You honestly have no idea how much I appreciate everyone here for your help, your words of wisdom & your prayers and well wishes. People can't understand what it's like to be *right here* unless they've been *right here*. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to go through this while trying to figure it out on my own.
I'm so sorry that any of us are here, but I'm so grateful for the wonderful people who have taken time out of their own pain to help guide me on this journey.
There is so much more work to do.
(((thank you)))
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
being truthful is much different than begging and pleading
you were truthful and you didn't scream at him and beg him to come home or make him feel guilt
you were simply you
no shame there no problem with being who you are
manipulating is wrong
real is not
in the standing journey do not forget that you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror too that you need to ask yourself the tough questions that you need to look back and see that your actions were motivated by love and not selfishness
this was not selfish this was love
breath being vulnerable is not being needy vulnerable is honest
