I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

So much progress forward...such a quick slide backwards.


H came over tonight to take S6 to the Tball pictures. He brought them back, the kids wanted him to stay so I told him he was welcome to stay for a little bit. He said no, he had things he needed to get done. We were saying goodbye, so I reached for his hand and the next thing I know my head is on his shoulder, I'm crying quietly and he's patting my back. S8 told him he needed to stay, I felt H shake his head back and forth.

He said, "There's plenty of time to talk and decide what's important."

He turned and left, S8 chased his van to the end of the road.

I'm weak. I think that qualifies as a *fail*.

I don't care--it felt honest. Probably the first honest emotion he's seen from me.

At least now he knows how I feel, huh?

:shakes head in disbelief:

I don't know why it happened. I've been so strong for so long. In front of him, anyway. I don't know if it was coming home to find him playing catch in the yard with the boys, or the way he smiled at me as I walked towards them, but tonight I just cracked. Right in front of him.

I don't know what to do or think right now.

I don't want to think anything.

I'm going to go to bed, read some of Laura Munson's book and start again tomorrow.




And be grateful I don't have to see him Saturday when he comes up for S6's game. I have until NEXT weekend to compose myself.


I want to go crawl under a rock.

Go ahead. Let 'em fly.