Jack ... I know it's not a quick process, and I'm reading and learning, I guess I just had myself convinced that after his 'rock bottom' conversation with me a couple of weeks ago that he was actually ready to do what he says he so desperately needs to do. And if I'm honest, he has started - he's sleeping better and working out, handling his own money and parenting solo 50% of the time. The OW/EA is supposedly not an issue anymore (he says that he can't have a relationship with her because the R with her made him a liar and a cheat and those are two of the things he despises most ... it was a longer conversaton than that but you get the idea. Now I do believe his intentions, but I don't necessarily believe that he's being 100% honest with himself about his motivations for claiming he can still be friends with her since she's one of the group - or maybe he is and it's me he's not being honest with. Really, I'm not trying to be naive, just to really evaluate the sitch as it is in front of me. I think this has been brewing in him for a long time and I think he's passed through some of the stages already ...
I was going to talk to him about the weekend options, and tell him that although I've been adamant about not wanting to go to full alternating weekends, I would consider some sort of compromise ...
Quote:
I'm thinking that instead of full alternating weekends, maybe we could share one, then he gets one, then share one, then I get one. That would give us two shared weekends, and one each with the kids (and one each full freedom) ... as long as we still agreed to keep family time
I'm also wondering if I should mention the party or just wait and see what he does?
Matt ... yeah, it's occurred to me too, but I'm a little stuck re the sex thing (I'm guessing that's what you're gettin at re availability). Both the MC and the DB coach said to not write it off but to not pressure him either. I wasn't going to come on to him, just a quick visit to drop off the present and let him know that I was thinking of him. I'm not afraid the OW would be here ... maybe that's naive Jack, but with the kids in the house and me staying only a 1/4 mile away at my parents ... and I feel like although an alien has taken over my H, I still know him and how he would justify certain things ... anyway, I could be wrong about it being over, and I could be wrong about her coming to the house - but I just don't think so.
Oh, and Matt ... technically we are separated - we're just sharing the house and moving in and out so the kids don't have to move. Currently our schedule is
Monday night - H Tuesday night - H Wed night - W Thurs night - W Friday night and Sat day - H Sat night and Sunday day - W Sunday late afternoon and eve - Family time and we stay in the house together
H drives the boys to daycare and I put D6 on the school bus (about 1/2 hour after H and the boys leave) so whichever parent has not stayed in the house the night before comes in the morning to make the routine work. The way we have it set up now we see each other and the kids everday, even if it's just for 15 mins in the morning.
For H this really seems to center around the control thing. He feels like he has had NONE. He's making control issues where there aren't any and making things worse by being afraid to just talk and state what he needs or wants ... I know it takes time to turn this stuff around, and 10-15 years of living with the old me vs. a couple of months with the new me ... well, obviously he doesn't trust me and my changes or even his own ability to adapt and maintain his own changes (and I'm not mind reading he's actually said this).
Bleh.
Ok, so to call or not to call ... let him know that I considered what he said and that I want to work on a compromise so he can get more of what he needs? Do I point out that no matter what arrangement we have, there is always a chance that something is going to come up on the 'wrong' weekend and we need to learn to compromise and communicate anyway?
What about the party? If he says yes do I call An and the boyfriend to invite them or let him do it?
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
he's actually said this).
