And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

Bleh. So, I'm human like everyone else and I'm having a crappy time right now.

H was here and just finished cutting the grass when I landed home. I'm not even sure how it happened but we ended up 'talking' a bit and it started to get kinda ugly. He's saying that he does't get enough time and maybe we should alternate weekends (I'm not really open to that as I do NOT want to go the whole weekend without seeing my babies - they're so young) and he says that I say I'm going to be flexible but I'm not really ... blah, blah, blah. Now I know that I am being very flexible and fair but I can't come at him with that ... and I'm not sure what to really say or do and I end up crying a bit. He still feels like 'making arrangements' and that sort of thing is 'asking permission' ... it comes out that on his B'day weekend he has plans on Sunday afternoon to go to a centennial celebration and storytelling in the afternoon. And I say well, family day doesn't have to be us sitting here staring at the walls ... we could take it on the road. Then he tells me that he was thinking of going to An's afterwards for a BBQ and a couple of beer (An is the old highschool friend and the best friend of OW).

Anyway, to make a long story short, he feels like he has to explain himself and ask permission, and I say that the only thing I have insecurity around is OW and I'm glad that he has refound some old friends. I tell him that Sunday family time is really important to me and especially to the kids, and if he would stop assuming I'm going to be unreasonable or inflexible and just state his new plans, and how he intends to replace family time all would be good (it's not asking permission to make arrangements and be considerate!). IE ... W, I've got plans to go to a get together on that Sunday, and An and the boyfriend have invited me up for a BBQ afterwards. Family day is important, so why don't we do it on Saturday so we don't miss out ....

After supper I also confess that when he says An, I hear OW and that's not fair because he does have a friendship with An that had nothing to do with OW, so I apologize for that. He says thanks.

I said that I assumed he would be going out on his B'day since it was a Sat and I'd be here with the kids and he said that as far as he knows there's nothing going on and that's his fault for not planning anything. I told him that I would love to take him out, but assumed he had plans and if he was open to it that it would be fun. I then told him that the party I was going to have for him (pre OW discovery and separation I was planning a party) was still an option, and if he was open to it, we could call his friends - old and new - and have a BBQ and a few drinks here on that weekend. I said that we could even do it Friday night instead of Saturday night so An and the boyfriend could come (she has her kids on Sat nights). He said he'd think about it. All in all, it could have gotten really ugly, we turned it around, even joked a bit, before he left and things were ok.

Problem is now I don't know what to do. I have two issues at hand ...

1. the Birthday (it's H's 35th) I originally assumed he would have plans on Sat night with friends and that I would be home with the kids so I had kinda planned on buying him a bottle of his favourite Scotch and delivering it (looking fine!) at 12:01 am on Saturday (ie midnight Friday night) to be the first person to wish him Happy Birthday. Then I figured the kids and I would offer to take him out to supper on Saturday and then he'd be off to hang out with friends ... now I don't know what to do, or if that was even a good idea in the first place! Arrrgg.

2. the weekend/kids thing. He's basically saying that he still doesn't feel like he's got enough freedom (makes it sound like I've got more which is bullchit - he just chooses to use his Sunday mornings golfing every week so he feels like he's got less free time). I am trying to give him what he needs and also meet my own needs so I'm thinking that instead of full alternating weekends, maybe we could share one, then he gets one, then share one, then I get one. That would give us two shared weekends, and one each with the kids (and one each full freedom) ... as long as we still agreed to keep family time that might work. Except that I am here with them on Wed and Thurs so on my weekend maybe he'd have to come do Thursday night or something or he'd go from Tuesday until Sunday without a night. Does that sound fair? How do I approach it so he feels respected and like I'm not making all the decisions still?

Then to top it off my sister was here after he left and b!tched about him a lot and I felt really defensive of both H and my positon. Arrrggg.

HELP ... need some input ....

Am currently fighting the urge to give him a call and chat about options ...

If I'm honest I think I'm a little freaked out because we just started these arrangements and already it seems like he's pulling farther away. It also seems like he's not working on his issues surrounding being afraid of my reactions, instead he's looking for a way to avoid having to deal with potential conflict which ultimately means he's not really ready to deal with his sh!t.

PEI