Maybe I should just lay it out there like lotus suggest.
To us it is an affair but to her it was just a friendship and she is set on thinking that. The only way I can ever prove to her we know its more than that is buy putting the facts out there but I am not willing to expose my intel gathering.
OIN MWD says this in her book, but I will put it more explicitly here for you :
What your wife SAYS to YOU, is NOT the SAME as what SHE is THINKING to HERSELF or saying to OM
You seem to think that your wife actually BELIEVES she wasn't having an affair and wasn't cheating... Sorry, but I don't buy that for a second. I am positive your wife knew what she was doing and she KNOWS its not "just friends"
YOU can't get her to ADMIT that TO YOU, but she IS thinking it and KNOWS IT.
You don't NEED to CONVINCE her, you just need her to KNOW that YOU KNOW... which you ARE DOING...
Don't think for a second that her protesting that she and OM are just friends has anything to do with what she knows or believes.. It doens't.. its a WALL she's putting up to protect her reputation and to save face...
your wife does NOT want to ACNKNOWLEDGE right NOW that she WAS cheating... It has NOTHING to DO with what she BELIEVES... Your wife knows' she was cheating... She's no fool and she knows you aren't.. But right now, she is determined to save face and keep that wall up...
THe PROBLEM is that you THINK she BELIEVES that crap.. she does NOT believe she was just friends... She has convinced you she's deluded and believes her lies... she does NOT.
THe ONLY LIE she believes to be true right now is that OM and her had a potential future. That I think she is childish and deluded enough to believe.
You do NOT need to PROVE to her it was an affair. You just need to TELL her
We BOTH KNOW it was MORE than that. I am not going to argue, but I am no fool and neither is the rest of your workplace. Everyone knows what was happening. It's sad that it happened in the first place. People got hurt and trust got damaged in both our home and in OMW's home. I am no fool. I am man enough to ignore it, but I am also intelligent enough to know what was happening. I do NOT want to argue about it at all right now... Just KNOW that I KNOW...
And walk away...
That gives your wife some face while you maintain your own dignity.
The problem is
a. She won't admit the truth b. You refuse to be indignified with obvious lies
So just tell her
I know. Leave it for now, I do NOT need to prove it to you and you don't need to argue either.. We BOTH KNOW... Lets just leave it ALONE for now... I, unlike your workplace refuse to make it an issue. I am calling OMW to protect marriages and that's IT. I know what you two were up to and you know you two weren't just socializing either... Lets not dig a grave for ourselves digging evidence out of each other. That will just make us miserable... I know, you know, lets move on and just let it Go... in a few months this will be gone and we can forget about the whole painful thing. I got hurt, YOU got hurt... OMW got hurt... It's sad, but it happens. Let's not fight about it ok?
You see what I am doing here is giving HER some face, and you so no one has to feel humiliated. OIN, right now your wife feels humliated. This is part of why she won't admit the affair. You trying to prove she was cheating is just going to bring up her defenses. Let it GO.
You CAN let it GO and let her have her dignity AND you have yours. You just tell her you KNOW, it happens, move on... She realizes you aren't trying to villify her and then feels safer, and YOU don't feel like she thinks you are a fool.
You tell her that you know and do NOT engage any wall she puts up.
Here's your destructive dynamic :
a. You challenge your wife's claims b. Your wife puts up her defenses (manifested as lies and claims of innocence) c. You try to argue a case with evidence d. Your wife accuses you of spying, controlling, and secret-keeping e. You claim you were trying to protect your marriage
You both end up frustrated and humiliated 1. She humiliates you with lies 2. You humiliate her with the truth
Just tell her you know, and then BACK OFF, give her some ROOM to preserve some dignity... She won't admit it right now, but you CAN maintain you KNOW and leave it...
It allows both of you to walk away with some dignity with minimal damage.
YOU : I KNOW you two weren't just socializing WIFE : We're just friends, everyone is making a big deal out of nothing
What is going on in your wife's HEAD :
a. Wow, he does know what I was doing b. I feel like a fool; I got lied to by OM, and I got caught by my husband too c. Now he won't trust me, he didn't before, but now I just proved to him I'm not trustworthy d. I have made a huge mess here and it's all my fault e. Him accusing me of cheating makes feel so bad about myself f. I am going to make him stop - how can I get him to stop? g. I will just tell him we we were friends... That's it
Trust me, your wife's got all this in her head and more. Just tell her you know, GENTLY, and then tell her you are doing the work with OMW to repair damage so you and she can put it behind you.
You need to STOP taking what she SAYS ... SERIOIUSLY.. that's one of your HUGEST mistakes in this whole mess is when she says something, YOU TAKE IT IN... you let it get in and beat you up and make you feel worthless and angry.
You gotta step BACK and let it Go
What are you going to do when your kids one day yell at you that you are a horrible father because you grounded them for two weeks?
What are you gonna do when your kids attack you verbally for you parenting them? And they WILL, kids do that...
PARENTS IGNORE IT and dont' take it to HEART
YOU need to learn to do that.
What your wife says right now has nothing much at all to do with what she's thinking... There is a world of subtext going on that you need to learn to hear and work with WITHOUT the bad stuff getting to you...
Suit of armor man, that's what you need. An emotional suit of armor.
