Maybe I should just lay it out there like lotus suggest.
To us it is an affair but to her it was just a friendship and she is set on thinking that. The only way I can ever prove to her we know its more than that is buy putting the facts out there but I am not willing to expose my intel gathering.
OIN MWD says this in her book, but I will put it more explicitly here for you :
What your wife SAYS to YOU, is NOT the SAME as what SHE is THINKING to HERSELF or saying to OM
You seem to think that your wife actually BELIEVES she wasn't having an affair and wasn't cheating... Sorry, but I don't buy that for a second. I am positive your wife knew what she was doing and she KNOWS its not "just friends"
YOU can't get her to ADMIT that TO YOU, but she IS thinking it and KNOWS IT.
You don't NEED to CONVINCE her, you just need her to KNOW that YOU KNOW... which you ARE DOING...
Don't think for a second that her protesting that she and OM are just friends has anything to do with what she knows or believes.. It doens't.. its a WALL she's putting up to protect her reputation and to save face...
your wife does NOT want to ACNKNOWLEDGE right NOW that she WAS cheating... It has NOTHING to DO with what she BELIEVES... Your wife knows' she was cheating... She's no fool and she knows you aren't.. But right now, she is determined to save face and keep that wall up...
THe PROBLEM is that you THINK she BELIEVES that crap.. she does NOT believe she was just friends... She has convinced you she's deluded and believes her lies... she does NOT.
THe ONLY LIE she believes to be true right now is that OM and her had a potential future. That I think she is childish and deluded enough to believe.
You do NOT need to PROVE to her it was an affair. You just need to TELL her
We BOTH KNOW it was MORE than that. I am not going to argue, but I am no fool and neither is the rest of your workplace. Everyone knows what was happening. It's sad that it happened in the first place. People got hurt and trust got damaged in both our home and in OMW's home. I am no fool. I am man enough to ignore it, but I am also intelligent enough to know what was happening. I do NOT want to argue about it at all right now... Just KNOW that I KNOW...
And walk away...
That gives your wife some face while you maintain your own dignity.
The problem is
a. She won't admit the truth b. You refuse to be indignified with obvious lies
So just tell her
I know. Leave it for now, I do NOT need to prove it to you and you don't need to argue either.. We BOTH KNOW... Lets just leave it ALONE for now... I, unlike your workplace refuse to make it an issue. I am calling OMW to protect marriages and that's IT. I know what you two were up to and you know you two weren't just socializing either... Lets not dig a grave for ourselves digging evidence out of each other. That will just make us miserable... I know, you know, lets move on and just let it Go... in a few months this will be gone and we can forget about the whole painful thing. I got hurt, YOU got hurt... OMW got hurt... It's sad, but it happens. Let's not fight about it ok?
You see what I am doing here is giving HER some face, and you so no one has to feel humiliated. OIN, right now your wife feels humliated. This is part of why she won't admit the affair. You trying to prove she was cheating is just going to bring up her defenses. Let it GO.
You CAN let it GO and let her have her dignity AND you have yours. You just tell her you KNOW, it happens, move on... She realizes you aren't trying to villify her and then feels safer, and YOU don't feel like she thinks you are a fool.
It allows both of you to walk away with some dignity with minimal damage.
DO I bring this up even if the discussion has ended. DO I just walk up to her and tell her I need to talk to her about this?
During our conversation earlier I said things along those lines. I told her "I know more about what is going on than you think, and to me it is not just a friend, it was more than that" she said "think what you want, I know what it was"
I also said "These poems, lyrics, quotes I know they are intended for him" she said "Do you ever think they were intended for you? just because something does not exactly match the situation does not mean it does not apply" I said "to be honest NO, I don't think for one minute they had to do with us."
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
