Robx, DLS basically blamed everything on me and it was kind of like "just give the guy sex and everything will be better." It's not that simple. It was DLS' suggestion for me to dress up sexy and meet him out on the golf course - not mine. I'm not stupid - I know that if I show up out on the golf course, he is going to have me arrested. Dressing up sexy and going to the golf course is not my idea of a seductive "date" with my husband, and he certainly isn't going to be receptive right now to me trying to put my hands on him.
I read all of your posts, and you do make a lot of sense, and I am not the "pushing people away" type. You made a lot of very valid points. After reading the last chapter of DR last night, I realized that he needs the sex, but I need to be able to share with my husband the things that are bothering me. If I were able to share, and he were able to listen and assure me that he would help me get past the things that bother me (without the divorce threats), I DO want to be sexual and intimate with him. It would absolutely foster much better feelings in me.
Way back when we were first together, we were so much in love. We made love all the time - several times a day. We both enjoyed it. Gradually, that slacked off, but we were still in love and intimate with each other frequently. There have always been threats on his part that if I didn't do this or that, he would leave me, (before marriage), or divorce me (after marriage). I've always felt like I was on eggshells. I can't tell him what is bothering me - even when I use "I" instead of "you" with him. I've always tried to approach him in a loving manner, and at appropriate times, and it has always backfired on me.
As a result, I just keep these things to myself, and they build up. What can I say - I'm human. When these things build up, it is very difficult for me to want sex with him, because he is the cause of what is bothering me, and he is the cause of the resentment and anger I have to keep inside.
Yes, I know he feels that i don't love him. He's told me that. thing is ... I DO love him! My position has always been that I want to improve the relationship. I want a wonderful, loving marriage, I want a happy family.
I've given this a lot of thought, and it occurred to me that the relationship started to sour prior to our wedding, during the period of time where he drew up the prenuptial agreement and i was given the option of either signing it and agreeing to all of his terms, or not signing it, having no wedding take place - even though everything was already set in motion, site reserved, cake ordered, dress, rings, flowers, invitations had already gone out and in fact most RSVP's had already been received, etc. We had a son together (he was born prior to the marriage). I was basically threatened "either you sign this and get married, or don't sign it and you get nothing and eventually I'm going to kick you out and seek custody."
That was probably my first major resentment. To this day I can't talk to him about this. Why did I marry a guy like that under these conditions? I was young, scared, in love with him, we had a child together, I wanted so desperately for us to be a happy little family. I did not want to have these kids and be a single parent. I saw what my last divorce did to my older son, even though my ex-husband was not my son's biological father. It was heartbreaking. I was not going to do this to this kid again, and I was not going to do this to my younger son either.
Shortly after the marriage my husband got involved in golf. Golf became his obsession. I would want to do things as a family, or even just us - as a couple. I was desperate to spend time with him. I missed him. But, he couldn't be bothered with me because he had a tee time, or he had a game set up with his buddies. Eventually he began golfing every single day - sometimes (like now) twice a day. He'll have an early game in the morning, then when that game finishes, there's another game with another set of guys in the afternoon, and he wouldn't be home until 7:00 or 7:30 at night.
During these golf games, I would go to the dance studio and practice with my partner(s) for upcoming competitions. I would do it while my husband was busy with golf and his friends, so that if, on the off-chance, he had a time where he wasn't golfing, I would be available so that we could do something either together, or as a family. This was a rarity. As result, I am extremely resentful of golf.
When he first got inmvolved with it, all of us took lessons. Me and the kids decided it was not our thing. Over the years he has tried to get me interested in it. I went with him a few times, but I'm not going to lie to you - I hate it. It isn't my thing. I'd rather pull my eyeballs out with a pair of pliers.
So, I resolved that if he was into his golf, and that was his hobby, I would be into my dancing, because that is my hobby. this way, I was not bitching or nagging at him because I have my own thing to do. He is not into dancing. That's fine, because if I am not dancing at a competitive level, with the people I train with, it isn't fun for me. In other words, I am not going to get out onto a social floor and do a basic Arthur Murray box step and be happy.
Of course, along the way, he makes new friends out on these golf courses, so there is never any lack of people for him to play golf with. When he isn't golfing, he's at the range hitting balls (which to me, is the same thing as golfing!).
So, these are two of the major things that affect me, and then there are a whole host of other issues in between. regardless of what they are, the main theme is that if I ever bring them up, I am threatened with divorce, so I don't bring them up. This affects my ability to be intimate.
Another intimacy blocker is the fact that there is never any kissing, cuddling, sweet talk, flirting, anymore. When he wants sex it's always "come on honey, it's time to get in the bed." Hardly a turn on for me. Sex feels more like a rape for me. Not enjoyable.
Contrary to what you may be thinking about me, I truly WOULD like to have sex with my husband. Do you think this is a picnic for me? It isn't. I enjoy sex. I want sex too. I want a close, loving, relationship with my own husband that involves lots of sex, lots of hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, and doing things together.
Reading Michelle's book (and starting on SSM tonight) have opened my eyes to certain things - specifically different ways of dealing with the problems. Yes, I understand that I have to set aside how I feel, and swallow my anger, pride, resentment, being "right", etc. I wish I had this info BEFORE he moved out.
Please understand, I am a Christian, and I do believe in keeping focused on the Lord because what I'm seeing is impossible, but that's not necessarily the casewith God. So, I am trying to just give this to God, let him deal with it, and step away from it and allow God to work on both of us while we are in separate places.
Robx, I know you said I need to call him and meet him om a public place and talk to him in person and apologize for my part. Believe me, I would love t be able to do that! I just feel that I can do that right now because he is SO angry with me, that I just don't feel like this is a good idea at this time. I feel it in my spirit. I just know that if I call him or contact him in any way, shape, or form right now, it's going to push him over the edge and he will file the divorce. He hasn't filed yet - I check the court website every day. If I push him, he will probably file. I feel that right now, while he's angry and hasn't filed yet, maybe he is human and is actually experiencing some of the sadness I am experiencing too. I could be wrong though. While he hasn't filed yet, maybe he IS thinking about our marriage, relationship. and family. Maybe sanity will kick in and he'll actually think about throwing away 17 years. I don't know.
I will be here on Sunday trying to study for the baby bar. My studying has been hit and miss recently because of what's happening with my marriage. On top of my marriage issues, i am absolutely freaked out about my exam and if I don't pass it. I am terrified. Becoming a lawyer is so important to me. It is my ticket to financial freedom, my ticket to not being controlled anymore because my status as a human being isn't quite as good as anybody else, and it is something I have always wanted to do. My ex-husband would not allow me to go to law school, so when I graduated from college, I just wandered aimlessly about from law firm to law firm, all the while really wanting to be an attorney. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. I'm no spring chicken. When I graduate, I will be 50 years old.
