I didn't know how to summarize. lol. I guess I'll just post the 180 plan, as it contains some explanations, giving the best picture, I think.
Okay, so some 180 ideas I've come up with to help me navigate this, to avoid the same traps, and to keep from losing myself in the fray, and to hopefully influence my friend/sweetheart in healthful ways. I think that if I do, things will improve. He's been in more relationships than me, but hasn't delved into the marriage counseling/coaching world like I have...having never been married.
Okay, so when he withdraws, I freak out. STOP!
overattentiveness *limit--> 1 calm email per week. ---------explaining, NO EXPLANATIONS, unless asked.
Tip-toeing around difficult topics when we are relating. Bringing them up sensitively when relating, instead of when he's withdrawn, making loads of guesses and probably just making him angry may eliminate a lot of hurt.
Realizing I'll be fine without him, at my core. I already know this, but this is a sort of odd situation. I don't want anyone else. I've only ever gotten bad or neutral "vibes" about men, and with him, it was a good one! That's difficult to give up! Not even with my friend's husband, who is stellar, have I gotten that feeling. Now, I do think I take some people as a given, just because of their reputation. I do better assessments the less I know about a person, which was the case with my current SO, when we met 10 months ago.
Okay, I look at those above as reinforcing behaviors. My reactions reinforce the withdrawal and offer a reward for it, so...I think he has been trying to protect himself from me, assuming I'm like the women of his past. But, when I react, either like or unlike those women, I am showing that I care a lot, and I think it offers a reward for his behavior.
These are my "losing" behaviors, things I do that I think would lose the relationship, either in part or entirely:
withdrawal of my own. The limited email interaction when he is in withdrawal (btw, this is depression, at least some of the time), is sufficient to deal with this, I think. When I'm in a calm state of mind, I can share my current experiences, but only if I'm not counting on some sort of short-term return on investment of that time and effort.
Threatening/posturing. When he withdraws, he doesn't warn me ahead of time. I think this is partly about priorities...stay on an even keel, and try not to jeopardize the relationship. If he doesn't say anything, I can't blame him, if he somehow "loses it." He won't lose it, if he doesn't say anything, IOW.
I just need to stop the threatening and posturing and keep myself on an even keel.
This last one is about influencing him to a more positive self-assessment, to become a bit more goal-oriented (which he is, but, again, I think he's in a cycle of fluctuating self-perception that is reflected in his activities). So, to help influence him, as a friend, toward a more fulfilling lifestyle, I can ask thought-provoking questions.
