I apologize, but I'm exhausted sharing my story, as I've been trying to get support for a while now.
We've been together 10 months, he has a disorder, along with depression and severe anxiety. I am also prone to depression...and obsession.
There's no trouble with infidelity, particularly as we're still, um, dating.
I have 3 children, and he has 1. I'm 34 and he's 31.
I'm trying to do a 180, which I posted in that forum. I'm just here to look for additional support, to help keep the burden off my friends. I think a 180 is exactly what I need.
Hi Luvs, Sorry to hear of your struggles...I'm sure you'll find a lot of solid support and good advice here. Perhaps if you could copy some of your story into this new thread it would help folks get a sense of your story? So that they'll know what kind of support to offer? I know it must be exhausting but hang in there. It's great you were able to reach out and ask for support - that's the first step and I know how tough even that can be.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Thank you, prairiegirl. As my first post is really long and I have two posts there, maybe I'll just link it for ease. If anyone wants to ask questions without referencing the posts, I can either reply a simple answer, or c&p from my initial thread, no problem.
I didn't know how to summarize. lol. I guess I'll just post the 180 plan, as it contains some explanations, giving the best picture, I think.
Okay, so some 180 ideas I've come up with to help me navigate this, to avoid the same traps, and to keep from losing myself in the fray, and to hopefully influence my friend/sweetheart in healthful ways. I think that if I do, things will improve. He's been in more relationships than me, but hasn't delved into the marriage counseling/coaching world like I have...having never been married.
Okay, so when he withdraws, I freak out. STOP!
overattentiveness *limit--> 1 calm email per week. ---------explaining, NO EXPLANATIONS, unless asked.
Tip-toeing around difficult topics when we are relating. Bringing them up sensitively when relating, instead of when he's withdrawn, making loads of guesses and probably just making him angry may eliminate a lot of hurt.
Realizing I'll be fine without him, at my core. I already know this, but this is a sort of odd situation. I don't want anyone else. I've only ever gotten bad or neutral "vibes" about men, and with him, it was a good one! That's difficult to give up! Not even with my friend's husband, who is stellar, have I gotten that feeling. Now, I do think I take some people as a given, just because of their reputation. I do better assessments the less I know about a person, which was the case with my current SO, when we met 10 months ago.
Okay, I look at those above as reinforcing behaviors. My reactions reinforce the withdrawal and offer a reward for it, so...I think he has been trying to protect himself from me, assuming I'm like the women of his past. But, when I react, either like or unlike those women, I am showing that I care a lot, and I think it offers a reward for his behavior.
These are my "losing" behaviors, things I do that I think would lose the relationship, either in part or entirely:
withdrawal of my own. The limited email interaction when he is in withdrawal (btw, this is depression, at least some of the time), is sufficient to deal with this, I think. When I'm in a calm state of mind, I can share my current experiences, but only if I'm not counting on some sort of short-term return on investment of that time and effort.
Threatening/posturing. When he withdraws, he doesn't warn me ahead of time. I think this is partly about priorities...stay on an even keel, and try not to jeopardize the relationship. If he doesn't say anything, I can't blame him, if he somehow "loses it." He won't lose it, if he doesn't say anything, IOW.
I just need to stop the threatening and posturing and keep myself on an even keel.
This last one is about influencing him to a more positive self-assessment, to become a bit more goal-oriented (which he is, but, again, I think he's in a cycle of fluctuating self-perception that is reflected in his activities). So, to help influence him, as a friend, toward a more fulfilling lifestyle, I can ask thought-provoking questions.
Hi again Luvs, Wow there's a lot there isn't there! I guess I don't have so many comments as I do questions. The first question I'd ask you is about your marriage. You mentioned there was abuse in that marriage - I'm so sorry to hear that. Did you ever get any counseling or support to help you heal from that? And, how long it was after your first marriage broke up, that you started this relationship?
And then my next question relates to this:
Originally Posted By: LuvsMeLuvsMeNot
In my case, I think asking for changes is too much for my SO. I mean this literally.
I think a gentle influence is what he needs. Unfortunately, that is not what I've been. I have only asked for precious few things, though. I have not made demands, and recently told him that I didn't think he could meet me on the issue of his withdrawal, so I would no longer ask for it.
True, it's good to be sensitive to your spouse's needs. But I wonder - what are your needs around this issue? How does that make you feel that he withdraws? And if you need him to not withdraw, why do you choose to no longer ask for it?
I wonder if I could recommend a book to you... it's called 'Hold Me Tight' by Sue Johnson. It's been helpful to me in understanding some issues around withdrawal and attachment.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I really appreciate your interest prairiegirl, because getting started in a new place is the hardest part, usually. Thank you for helping me get the ball rolling.
Well, the implication of not asking for it was that we couldn't be in the relationship we each need, if he can't help withdrawing or if I can't accept his withdrawal. I was asking for a friendship at that point. I have kept the door open, verbally, for us to be a couple, and work through the issues as either a couple or as friends.
I was getting closer to understanding on the issue of his withdrawal, and then we had two bouts, back-to-back and the second one caught me off guard.
As for my marriage, yes, I've sought counseling a few times, and am still, I hope, in counseling. Things got really hectic here, but I hope to go back to my counselor soon. I've also seen a psychiatric doc, just to rule out some things in my family history and deal with the depression I was in, from a medical perspective.
I separated from my ex 3 years ago. I met my current SO 10 months ago, so it was approximately at the 2.5 years after the separation began that I met this guy.
Please do not let me lose sight of this book. I have quite a few on relationships, but I'm not going to get all snobbish about it. ;p I just want you to know that it could take a while for me to get to it, so I hope you will allow for that. I have such a FULL life, which is part of the reason I'm so cryptic. I'm not trying to be, just so overwhelmed, sometimes.
Okay, here's another thought...he tried to "get my goat" and test me on a claim I made. The claim was that I would not react with jealousy to acts he would do to try to induce that jealousy, ie. flirting with other women. I succeeded, and he gave that up.
So, now he has this male friendship thing going, and it's pissed me off. I've said nothing about it. I know he gets along very well with men. But this one has me a bit stymied. lol. So, it seems like it's more important than I am. I have some guesses as to what's caused it, but the focus here is my reaction. The best thing I can think to do to handle this situation is to not react. Yes, I am a little jealous, but I don't mind other male friendships. I see that even though they are showing some tightness of bond, my SO is going to pull his usual, and the friendship will wane or disintegrate. He does have some lasting friendships. For instance, his flatmate is his best friend from childhood. But, I think the expectations this, er, young man has may end up tanking it.
Alrighty...I know I tend to obsess and I try to be very thorough, and maybe some of this seems cut-and-dried. Also, maybe it seems like I'm not being very forthcoming, here. There are some details about my situation that make it out of the ordinary, and also lead to judgments about my relationship. So, I'd rather it be treated as normally as possible, and also, I think I have given enough information to go forward from here.
Basically, I just need some support for working and tweaking my 180.
Your thoughts will always be valued and appreciated. Again, if you don't want to read my previous posts, please feel free to ask questions. If it borders on something I don't want to share, I won't share it.
Hey Luvs, I wonder if it might help if we could recap your sitch a bit - I'm actually getting a little confused as to where you're at. Maybe this might help other folks too get a sense of exactly what types of support you're needing. So let me try to summarize this, please correct me where I'm wrong. Hope that's workable? So...
- you've been married before; 3 years out of that; there was some abuse directed at you but you've have had counseling since - you're in a new R now, you have 3 kids, he has 1 - you are not living together currently, but you had been (?) - and you've essentially walked away from the R for the time being, striving to be friends but hoping for more eventually if you guys can work it out (?) - and what you guys are experiencing is the push/pull thing; with him being the one who withdraws
Is that an accurate summary? Anything I missed? And finally, the most important question, what types of input/feedback/advice were you wanting? Just as an example, are you looking for advice on how to handle his withdrawal?
Sometimes I find it helpful here if you ask a specific question, something you're looking for input on, or explain a specific event you'd like help learning how to manage. That way people know what type of help to offer. I hope that helps. Hang in there Luvs! Better days are coming!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Mostly right, but we have never lived together. I found myself saying yes to the 'walking away" part...the entire thing is accurate. I still feel the strong, and very conflicting emotions.
As for his withdrawing, I think that is exactly what I'm asking, as I'm asking for feedback and support for doing my 180. I've never had the opportunity before. Well, I could have in my previous marriage, but I waited too long to save it. By the time the ship was ready to be turned around, the final hurt came, and I was well past done. I don't want to wait that long this time.
With my new R, sometimes, the only solution seems to be to end it. But then, I find myself resisting that boundary, even when I commit by expressing it to him, which looks horribly bad, of course, and seems that I make threats and there are no consequences to his actions. At least I'm mostly able to stick to the friends thing, since that's where I usually end up when he withdraws, anyway. But I feel myself slipping into relationship thoughts and stuff, and haven't really stopped.
Okay, so a summary of things I'm asking for/needing/wanting from this board:
--help with 180, feedback and tweaking, along with accountability. --any other insight into how to deal with my boundaries (which are apparently sloppily applied). My counselor suggested I reread Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. --how to get out of this quagmire of inequality, without necessarily giving up the R. Is there a way?
Thanks, for summarizing for me, and taking the time to read everything. I know that was a gargantuan post. lol.
