WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

i'd like coach and fg to chime in on this.
but i know that the focus has to be brought back to me. not h.
this helps me gain a bit of compassion and not get so angry over this.

the question will be: so what do i do about this? what is the work that i have to do in order to use this to my advantage if this is true? and this is where, i need coach and fg to guide me.

He has learned to take a bit of advantage of you.

yes, i see that.

But he doesn't want you upset with him--EVER. If you hold it in and really "blow up" it is crushing. You need boundaries that come in force LONG before you blow up at him.

i didn't set proper boundaries. i didn't know how at the time. i admit that was my fault.
if he doesn't want to upset me, he sure didn't do a very good job when he told me that he didn't have confidence that i could handle motherhood (what made him the friggin' expert at that?).

They are VERY intuitive people which in your H, omgoodness--he so knows you.lol.

yes, he probably does. hence he put the ridiculous stuff down on his financial statement.

He will know the INSTANT you are not mad at him. And you can get to him when that happens. He is hoping you make the first move.

i made the first move from friendship to dating.
i made the first physical move - by grabbing his hand. he was too shy to make the first move.

He has seen that when you make up your mind about something, you rarely change it. He thinks he is a "done deal" in your mind.

this is an odd statement. i am a done deal in his mind.
when he asks for a d, he is a done deal. what did he expect? that i would be happy about it?
the day that i stopped hugging him, was the day that he knew he was a done deal.
things were never the same after that.

You could help him out with so many things that bother him and hold him back--your strength is something he greatly admires.

this i know too well.
i am more help to him than anybody on the face of this earth. and i don't say it because i'm cocky or think i'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
i say it because i've been through it.
work is a big part of his life. he needs someone who understands his line of work. someone who listens, offers good feedback, someone to bounce ideas off and doesn't just stand there and smile when he talks. it's like a child talking to his mom about what he did in school today. and the man loves to talk. A LOT.

i encouraged him to do more and get certain certifications that would help his career.

he doesn't even have a resume put together. he doesn't have the proper interviewing skills. could he blow a potential employer away like me? probably not. he's not very skilled at articulating his strengths. yet, he's very talented. could i help him on that front? you bet.

i did a lot of the work to get him the things has today. i make things happen. i don't just talk .. i make it happen. i did a lot of work to make him and his family look good. his wine collection is bigger and better because of me. he bounces ideas off of me on wine. i learned about wine through him and now i'm pretty good at pairing wine with food. he would often turn to me and ask what wine to have with the meal.

I also want to add--he is afraid of you.

that i did not need to hear.
his parents were "afraid of me" at christmas. like wtf? i'm not threatening.
although i have low tolerance for stupidity (aka. his mom).

You are MUCH stronger than him. He is trying to appear tougher than he is--but he is just not that strong.

thanks. and yeah, he relies heavily on mom and dad. couldn't make a decision without consulting with them.

You have let him be "the man". You are unique, in that you didn't dominate him. You could have, but you didn't.

yes, i could have but i didn't.
i don't nag call him. he does whatever he wants.
i think to dominate him would be demoralizing to him. and that's why i don't do that.

He will miss being "the man". You gave him a gift.

will he ever realize this? only time will tell.

He is not going to have a one night stand. Not happening.

thanks for reminding me. i hope you weren't just saying it to make me happy.

dumped.

[DumpedforMIL]

They are nicknamed "the Golden Retriever" because like the happy, sweet dog, they will put up with a lot of "abuse" and will be very forgiving once they are treated well again.

hehe.
i just told coach in an earlier post that i hate dogs and dogs hate me.
golden retriever, huh?

[DumpedforMIL]

he's not you. how can you hold him to a standard that you can't meet? that's why loving someone the way they feel love is so important, if it's important to you then it is important to me.

i totally agree with you on this.
however ..
i can't love him the way his mother loves him.
it's not possible. and i wouldn't try to replace his mother.
i was that wonderful kind of love that you feel when someone other than family loves you for who you are.
what's important to him, is important to me as well.
why else would i spend so much time coming up with a creative gift for his mother for mother's day?
i remember things that his father says and i'd surprise him with a gift at christmas.
they were important to me too.
but when it was just me and him, his mind was always on his parents. i felt like i was in the way.

I see WOA and QT.

i never really thought of myself as a WOA person.
i was more of a PT and QT person.

So what is your plan for your b-day?

will spend it alone. but i will go somewhere.

What do you get when you cross a insomniac, a dyslexic and a agnostic?

me?

[Coach]

but when it was just me and him, his mind was always on his parents. i felt like i was in the way.

Are you mind-reading or did he tell you he always thinks about his parents when he is alone with you? if this bothers you then it is your responsiblity to bring it up. Did your H know how you felt? When you felt "in the way" how did you act?

What do you get when you cross a insomniac, a dyslexic and a agnostic?

Someone who stays awake all night wondering whether or not there is a Dog?

[LauraOh]

Oops--that's right!lol.

Golden retrievers are very sweet, very loyal dogs that have almost "smiles" on their faces all the time. They are big and goofy and love to have fun. Very soft and love to be stroked. Patient and kind.

A tough dog not to like. They will win you over.

[LauraOh]

this is an odd statement. i am a done deal in his mind.
when he asks for a d, he is a done deal. what did he expect? that i would be happy about it?
the day that i stopped hugging him, was the day that he knew he was a done deal.things were never the same after that.

He KNOWs this about you--before he did it he knew.

You are tough--you stay the course. You are strong. He knew.

If you change your mind he will not believe it. It will not be in his ability to comprehend. You make up your mind and THAT IS IT. He has seen it a hundred times. He's also seen you rise to challenges that would break other people. That is why he is afraid of you. He is no match for you. He's a golden retriever inside. They are the last dog to be in a fight. They are wusses.

[DumpedforMIL]

Are you mind-reading or did he tell you he always thinks about his parents when he is alone with you? if this bothers you then it is your responsiblity to bring it up. Did your H know how you felt? When you felt "in the way" how did you act?

not mind reading.
on his way home from work, he'd be calling his parents.
he'd come through the door and often he'd say "omg, after talking to my mother i get really tense. she fires 20 questions at me all the time. what are you doing tomorrow? are you going to cut the grass? you have to remember to water the lawn or else it will dry out. i saw on the weather channel it's going to be a hot one so you better remember to water your lawn. are you going to home depot? you have to go to home depot to get the potting soil that's on sale. they have the best potting soil. i think you could be running out of vitamins. are you running out of vitamins? are you taking salmon oil? maybe you should take a cod liver oil pill like your father. what do you think? what are you doing on saturday? what are you doing on sunday? what time are you getting up on sunday? are you going out for breakfast or staying in? are you going to costco? what are you going to buy at costco?" and it just goes on and on. and you just want to say .. shut the f*k up.

you think i'm making this stuff up. uh no.
i have a story about her making a sandwich that would just drive you insane.

but i digress ..

so first thing he talks about while we're making dinner is what's going on with his parents. whether they are getting ripped off and they are blaming others for their own stupidity, or they are talking about family issues. what's going on with his father and his health issues. how his father is living on borrowed time because he's already had three heart attacks and he could die any day now, y'know.

and then often he'd be pensive during football. and i'd ask him if something is wrong. and it'd always be about his parents. how he's worried about them. during his phone calls, they constantly complain about their health issues. how his father is losing his memory and can't remember things. maybe he's got alzheimer's (self-diagnosis). maybe he's having a stroke. omg omg .. he's living on borrowed time because he's already had three heart attacks .. maybe this is the big one. omg!

it's hard to bring this up with h because i understand that he worries about his parents. and i would hate myself if i told him not to worry and suddenly his father does croak. and parents dying is a sensitive subject. his parents have been obsessed with death for years and neither of them have had a close call. death is part of aging. why not live happy? why constantly talk about dying? if you want to die so badly, here's a gun. pull the trigger. why delay the inevitable? (y'know, i regret not saying THAT while they were here at Christmas cuz then he'd have a legit reason to d me)

he got mad at me when i wanted to celebrate our first anniversary together. his father was here and he wanted to spend our anniversary with his father. his father didn't understand why i wanted to spend my anniversary with my h.
his father was offended when i booked a hotel for my h and i. i guess i should have told his father that i did that instead of taking off on my own.
but h's reaction was always the same. he would be mad at me because he only gets to spend a couple of weeks a year with his parents. so i shouldn't be jealous of them. he claims that i get all of his attention for the rest of the year but honestly, i don't.

in january, he's focused on work because it's evaluations month.
in february, he's recovering from january and it's all about him. oh a valentine's day care package from his mom.
in march, he starts thinking about his parents because it's been three months since he has seen him. we have to start planning on a trip out to see his parents. his mom's birthday is coming up so *i* have to think about a creative gift for her.
in april, it's his mom's birthday. let's plan a week trip out to see her. oh look, an easter care package from his mom.
in may, we have to think about mother's day for his mom. we also have to start redecorating the house because his parents may come to visit in the summer and we can't let them think that we don't do anything with the house.
in june, we have to think about father's day for his dad. oh, and his father is planning on coming out to visit for 2.5 weeks. oh joy. oh and another care package from his mom!
in july, it's his father's birthday so *i* have to think about a gift to send his father.
in august, he starts thinking of going to visit his parents because the last time he went to see them was april.
in september, we have to start thinking about redecorating the house because his parents are going to fly in for thanksgiving in nov.
in october, we're redecorating. every weekend is out looking for furniture. oh look! a halloween care package from his mom.
in november, it's h's birthday and parents are here to celebrate his b-day and thanksgiving. oh joy! double joy - another care package!! we also have to start thinking about what to buy everyone for christmas. massive shopping yet again. and guess who has to do all the thinking? and planning on when to fly out to see his parents for christmas.
in december, we are with his parents for half a month.

btw, did i mention valentine's day flowers? our anniversary? my birthday? yeah. not a big deal.

that's the pattern that happens year after year. it's not about h and me. the marriage was always about them. when i brought it up, my h said that i didn't have a right to be jealous of his parents who he claims he saw only two weeks in a year. but according to the timeline above, we saw them more than two weeks in a year. he was so defensive when i would bring up how i felt neglected. he felt that his parents needed his attention because they were old and helpless. when i asked for attention from him, it came across as being needy and clingy. so i stopped.
at christmas, i had enough. if he didn't see me as important, then what was important to him, was no longer important to me. still, i wasn't rude to his parents. i didn't make much of an effort to start conversation. i would participate in the conversation but i wouldn't initiate it much. his mom often spoke to me like i was four years old. they would stay for 2 weeks and i would be fine for the first 7 days. after that, i would get sick of watching my h spoil his parents and how everything was about his parents. i felt like i was invisible.

when i felt like i was in the way, i often made myself scarce. i would go into the office and work. i would always ask if they needed anything before i tucked away though. when i would go into the office, they would feel offended. but why would i want to be in the room when they just talk amongst themselves? the three of them just turn towards each other and you wonder whether anybody could see that i'm on fire.

and no, i'm not guessing at what he's thinking. i actually had this conversation with him in january when he dropped the d-bomb. i tried so hard to tell him how i felt and my point of view but he was so fogged up. nothing got through. he just didn't get it. he only saw how hurt his parents were - he kept going back to how rude i was to his parents and how he has never been more embarrassed to have me as a wife at that point.

i will always remember those words. i've never said anything like that to my h.

after everything i've done. i'm an embarrassment.

Someone who stays awake all night wondering whether or not there is a Dog?

haha. good one.

[AJM]

Is this a relationship you want back? Or do you want a different kind of relationship? I ask, because I see this as your chance. I see this as his chance to break free from his parents - to finally grow up. Perhaps he will. Perhaps he won't. But this is his golden opportunity. It is yours as well....

An outsider's opinion,

AJ

[DumpedforMIL]

Is this a relationship you want back? Or do you want a different kind of relationship?

i want a different kind of relationship but i want it with my h.
he was my best friend. i can see that the things he's been doing is based on emotion and not intellect.

I ask, because I see this as your chance. I see this as his chance to break free from his parents - to finally grow up. Perhaps he will. Perhaps he won't. But this is his golden opportunity. It is yours as well....

i would like to see him grow up.
he claims that i'm the one who needs to grow up and be independent.
and i look at him. and i see how many times he runs to his parents. i just don't know what to say.

so many people don't know how attached he's become to them since we got married.
i don't know if he will ever snap out of it. i want him to know that he needs to find a way to make it work. it's not in my hands. it's in his. and he believes that the solution is to go with his parents and throw away our friendship. there is no middle ground for him. he has difficulties enforcing boundaries with his parents.

suddenly i've become enemy #1. i'm so hurt by this. i feel betrayed. and i feel like i made a mistake by giving myself away to him. i spent a long time getting to know him as a friend. and he was the only one who made me smile on a daily basis. now all i feel is the knife in my back and sting of the slap across my face.

are you suggesting i walk away from this? a big part of me is unable to let go. even if this ends in a d, i wouldn't move on.

[Forrest Gump]

"even if this ends in a d, i wouldn't move on."

But.. again.. that is your choice. It is that same hard-headed approach that is holding you back "here". Nothing we could say.. will change that. You have to.

Statement...

"he claims that i get all of his attention for the rest of the year but honestly, i don't."

Your response..

"n january, he's focused on work because it's evaluations month.
in february, he's recovering from january and it's all about him. oh a valentine's day care package from his mom.
in march, he starts thinking about his parents because it's been three months since he has seen him. we have to start planning on a trip out to see his parents. his mom's birthday is coming up so *i* have to think about a creative gift for her.
in april, it's his mom's birthday. let's plan a week trip out to see her. oh look, an easter care package from his mom.
in may, we have to think about mother's day for his mom. we also have to start redecorating the house because his parents may come to visit in the summer and we can't let them think that we don't do anything with the house.
in june, we have to think about father's day for his dad. oh, and his father is planning on coming out to visit for 2.5 weeks. oh joy. oh and another care package from his mom!
in july, it's his father's birthday so *i* have to think about a gift to send his father.
in august, he starts thinking of going to visit his parents because the last time he went to see them was april.
in september, we have to start thinking about redecorating the house because his parents are going to fly in for thanksgiving in nov.
in october, we're redecorating. every weekend is out looking for furniture. oh look! a halloween care package from his mom.
in november, it's h's birthday and parents are here to celebrate his b-day and thanksgiving. oh joy! double joy - another care package!! we also have to start thinking about what to buy everyone for christmas. massive shopping yet again. and guess who has to do all the thinking? and planning on when to fly out to see his parents for christmas.
in december, we are with his parents for half a month."

I don't know.. even with your long thought out list.. there seems to be a lot of time unaccounted for. I mean even in December you had 15 days of unaccounted for time.

Basically.. what I am saying is that you cannot "win" like this. You respond before anything happens. It will keep you stuck in the cycle. I mean.. all he did was make a list of stuff.. cause someone told him too. You already have your fists up. You are making your own list.. planning out the attack.

You really need to back away from this and get your head on straight. You cannot waffle in front of him at this point. The more you do the more you set yourself back. Even if you are sitting across the table from him at the L office. Appearance is everything right now.

Did you decide what you are doing for the long weekend?