Hi GR8 - sorry, I already have a partner. LOL Two actually, one for Latin and one for International Standard - one of these partners is my 24 year old son. (Both of my kids dance).
Okay ........ so I finished reading DR last night and I SO wanted to call my husband or swing by his place, and give him the book and ask him to please, please, PLEASE read the last chapter, because it is us - to a tee! Actually, there are a lot of scenarios/advice throughout the book that are spot-on and totally pertinent to us and our situation.
However, as much as I want to have contact with him and I have so many things I want to say to him, and I would like for him to read the book - even if just the last chapter - I know this is a fantasy. If I contact him, he is going to flip out, and if I show up where he is living he will probably call the police and have me arrested, or at the very minimum, file a police report. He hates me that much.
I am definitely struggling, but trying to get a grip. I am trying to be patient, and have been praying a lot and really trying to put this in God's hands and just stay out of it and allow God to work on each of us separately. I know this is something that has to work out in God's timing - not mine.
The waiting and uncertainty is killing me. After that disaster of a phone conversation I had with him a week and a half ago, I resolved not to contact him since he specifically said "Don't ever call me again!" He hasn't called me, and he hasn't called our son either. Neither of us has called him, me for obvious reasons, and my son because my son says he hates his dad and (putting it nicely ...) doesn't care if dad dies.
I would get coaching because I really feel it would be beneficial to me, but since I was already set to file bankruptcy prior to my husband leaving me, I have NO credit cards, and husband only left us with $500 to live on. So, basically, I am here to seek the advice of people who have gone through this, or are going through this now. I want to know what things you have done that have worked.
Since I go through my emotions and feelings here, angry and resentful one minute, and weepy, sad, missing him the next, but learning to set aside my anger and pride, and being "right", do you guys think he is going through the same things? Or, is he just stuck at the anger and hatred stage? He has never been able to see things from my perspective, which is a major contributing factor to our problems. Is it likely that he is experiencing any sadness or missing me and his family? Or is he just over there in his little furnished condo thinking about golf, golf, golf, and more golf 24/7 (as his email interactions with his buddies suggest) and meeting women and getting sex and hating me?
This is Memorial Day weekend, and according to his emails he is golfing every day, except Sunday, and I don't know what he has going on then. That hasn't come up in the emails yet, but I suspect he met someone and has a date because for him to forego golf with his buddies, he must be getting laid or something. This hurts me beyond hurt! I can't stop thinking and wondering about it, and I feel like calling him or something to get him to come over and see his son or anything on Sunday. Anything to prevent him from doing whatever it is he has planned. But, again, I know that is wishful (and foolish) thinking, and a bad, self-defeating strategy.
First thing is to stop thinking about what your H may or may not be thinking or may or may not be doing. You just don't know.
Concentrate on your son. Make this Memorial Day a fun and memorable one for the both of you. You don't need to spend much money, just some quality time to let you appreciate what you have right now and not what you don't.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No, it isn't ME who left - HE LEFT OF HIS OWN VOLITION and THREATENED ME WITH DIVORCE like he does ALL THE TIME! I never asked him to leave, I never wanted him to leave, I never wanted the divorce.
I am okay with different opinions, and I respect that I am not always going to hear what I want to hear. I'm okay with that. what I am NOT okay with is this LongShanks character who I SPECIFICALLY asked to stay OUT of my business. He offers NOTHING. This is a much bigger problem than me just going out and giving my husband a blow job and some sex and everything being all honkey-dorey! If that were the case, we wouldn't be in this situation! I came here for a reason. PLEASE, if I have come to the wrong place, tell me now because I am hurting and I am searching for answers. DON'T WASTE MY TIME!
Katya, I've read all of the posts on this thread and you continue move in a direction that suggests that sex isn't/shouldn't be important to your husband - how long do you expect him to exist in this relationship with you without sex? He has communicated to you that this is a dealbreaker for him, he wants sex, you have communicated to us that you are a sexual being (and your husband no doubt knows this) but you don't want to have sex with him. So in a nutshell, your husband is a sexual being and wants to have sex with you, you are a sexual being and like sex but don't want to have sex with your husband and you have communicated that directly and indirectly to him for obviously a significant amount of time - he feels rejected and he doesn't feel loved by you. Men in relationships with women tend to associate love with sex, you don't have sex with him, you reject him, it's quite possible he feels that you don't love him anymore and he doesn't want to exist in this type of relationship with you anymore.
Regardless if this sounds crappy to hear, it is what you are telling us and I'm not about to sugarcoat any situation for anyone to make them feel better about themselves while ignoring the problems behind these issues.
You need to find out why you don't want to have sex with him anymore. If you resent him or if you're passive aggressive and don't want to communicate problems or issues with your husband and choose to hold it all inside and resent him and have him live in a sexless relationship with you, that part is something you're controlling, not him.
You're both locked in a vicious circle of you do this to me and I'll do this to you, back & forth, round & round and the ride won't stop until one of you stop.
He has told you that he's going to start dating and start having sex with women, guess what, I would believe him - he has communicated to you directly that he wants sex with his wife. He has even gone so far as to tell you that you should start dating other men. This type of communication from him to you suggests to me that he has hit his personal threshold of what he will allow in his life. He reached that point in his life where he had enough of the situation and wants something new, something different, something satisfying his needs because he's probably felt that they weren't satisfied for a very long time.
Don't get me wrong, I'll assume he hasn't satisfied your needs either for a long time, you want romance, you want him to treat you better, you want him to stop threatening you.
I'm at a loss as to what advice I can give you right now, for a long period of time you've been rejecting him and withholding sex and pushing him away. Now he's had enough and he's doing the same with you: moved out, moved away, told you to start dating because he's going to start dating and having sex with other women, he's talking to lawyers/you're talking to lawyers.
That suggestion about going on a date with him and dressing all sexy won't go great, I'll be honest, that would suck: you would ask him out on a date, dress all sexy to tease him? He's probably been looking at you and longing to have sex with you for a very long time (remember what I said, men associating sex with love), you've been teasing him and tormenting him (indirectly controlling him this way) for who knows how long and now you want to go out on a date with him showing up all sexy? That would just be viewed as another attempt by you to tease him, reject him, control him (look at me, you still can't have any of this although I know you want it) - wrong move.
After a while, a guy in this situation is going to disconnect from his wife and look elsewhere to get sex & love because that's what he wants.
Does anyone else want to chime in on this? I think I'm pretty much bang on here but I'll accept any criticism for my post. All I can say for my part, been there done that and that's why it's so hard for me to reconnect with my wife who is actually offering me sex regularly - I find it very difficult to trust her after so many years of rejection.
A marriage today is more about the house, the cars, the vacations, the cottage, the boat and the kids and the money and the possessions. But people fail to recognize that before the marriage, in the beginning there was a relationship with 2 people that that easily satisfied each other's needs and after a while the relationship changed, a marriage occurred, it turned into more of a financial contract & obligation than a relationship.
And Katya, I'm not pointing my finger at you and blaming you for everything, my examples above were all encompassing intended for the larger audience but all we can do is talk to you because your husband isn't on this forum trying to read books on how to restore his marriage and get his wife back. His concerns are more immediate, he wants sex, he wants to be loved and appreciated for who he is and what he does and he apparently isn't getting that from you, that love languages book may be good point of reference to you because it doesn't appear that either of you are speaking each other's language.
and as far as pointing the finger to DLS and saying that you want feedback from everyone except for him, well I'm just going to say that is childish and immature, you don't have to agree with what he says but it is a male viewpoint and it's good to have more than one male viewpoint on your thread as well as female viewpoints.
On another thread bummedout didn't like advice or suggestions from a few of us and then he became vocal and started spewing forth insults at a few of us and what happened, his thread died, he doesn't get much attention from many users on this forum because he started telling certain people to stay off his thread, he became rude, argumentative, started name calling, and it turned people off and he blamed a portion of us for that problem but in the end people don't want to discuss things with people who are rude and people who know it all. If you're not open minded, it's hard to discuss any topic.
None of the advice given is a requirement for you to act on, it's given freely to be used in conjuction with whatever db practices you choose to employ.
One concept I learned on this forum is to use reality, observe reality, reality doesn't lie, and you can't fight reality because it is what it is.
I am reading the Divorce Remedy and got through Chapter 6 last night. I am implementing the "last resort" because there is no way in hell that I can talk to him or email him or anything, He is dead set on hating me, divorcing me, getting a lawyer who will "slit my throat and leave me bleeding and gasping for air". I almost wish he would just come over and cut my throat and let me die - literally. I am having a really hard time with this.
Meanwhile, when I check his emails, he is just having the time of his life. He's out golfing with his buds, having a blast, and he has something going on this coming Sunday, but I don't know what it is yet. I'm sure he will reveal it to somebody in an email.
Okay, right now I am angry. Earlier I was weepy and an emotional, puffy-faced wreck. I'm sure that's going to happen again in the next hour or so.
I need some direction because everything just seems so hopeless right now. I don't understand why our relationship has to be like this! We actually used to be madly in love with each other. Now ... I don't even want to wake up tomorrow morning - or ever. It just sucks. Not that he'd care - he'd probably celebrate and go on with his golf game, and that hurts.
Read your post, you wanted to leave because you weren't getting your way, now he left because he didn't get his way. You aren't as different as you think you are.
You're both stubborn, hard to please, quick to anger, bad communicators and don't want to let go of the struggle.
You want to work on a marriage with your husband. But to your husband a marriage with you mean living as an asexual monk, no sex and he doesn't want that anymore. He wants a marriage where his wife WANTS him and DESIRES him the way he does her and he WANTS her to WANT to have sex with him. So why would your husband want to work on a marriage if to him the definition of marriage means working hard for little or no reward?
You are tired of being threatened with divorce and I would be tired too, that would suck to be given ultimatums all the time. That's his way of lashing out at you, that's his way of rejecting you. He can't withhold sex from you, that wouldn't work for him, that only works for you so he grabs the only card that he can play with you, threaten to divorce and leave you, he has nothing else to use.
He is REALLY TIRED of being rejected and living in a sexless relationship with you, trust me, that's his point of view. He is REALLY TIRED of constantly being told NO YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH ME.
You expect him to feel what you feel and to be sympathetic to your situation but he also expects you to feel what he feels and to be sympathetic to his situation.
You're a woman and he's a man but you expect him to have the same type of emotional response (or similar) that you do and that never works.
And I'll tell you right off the bat, this idea of "working" on the relationship actually accomplishes the opposite of what you are intending. You want him to read the last chapter of a book, you want him to put effort into this and that and you know what, he is used to working for reward, we all do. Everyone has a job and goes to work for... a paycheque, that's a reward. But now you are communicating to him to work on something that recently hasn't provided any rewards and that's why it's hard for him to want to invest in this, what's in it for him? You can't answer that the reward is YOU and the MARRIAGE because he's been "trained" for lack of a better word that you and the marriage don't offer him any reward that he wants.
All you have to do to avoid an unwanted poster is to change the settings under My Stuff to block that user. I've blocked people and it is a relief. You just see white space where they posted something.
that's a great attitude, she has a history of "blocking" her husband and pushing him away so you want to keep her doing the same thing with other people because their attitudes and opinions aren't in line with her views?
Let's maintain this habit of "blocking", let's look at reality, blocking husband from sex, blocking yourself from talking out loud and keeping things inside so that you can build resentment and anger, and what does reality say about this "blocking", what is your current reality?
A husband that is filing for divorce and possibly going out and dating other women because he's been blocked by a certain woman that he wanted.
Reality, observe it, work with it, not against it, don't fight it, reality always wins because it's reality.
Yes, now that you mention it, he is. I never even thought about it. But you are right, when people in his life don't follow whatever the "plan" is, he cuts them out. This has happened with various people over the years. This has never even dawned on me. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
The reality of the situation is that you are both guilty of this action, not just your husband, you both had previous marriages that didn't work out, you have both cut out people out of your lives.
I think you need to think about your marriage, not in terms of why you want it, but why he would want it. What does he get out of it? And then start thinking of ways to make the marriage more valuable to him. Right now, he doesn't want it at all. Why? What about the marriage is unpleasant for him? What isn't working? What can you do to make things better, not just for yourself, but for your husband?
What I learned in reconciling is that marriage is about thinking about the other person. Being considerate of that person, showing concern for their wants and likes. I was guilty of thinking only of myself, and doing everything the way I wanted it. As a result, my husband didn't feel important in the home or family, and he saw no reason to not wander. He was looking for a place to feel at home. I had to learn to make room for his wants, his style, his values. Think about ways to improve yourself. Even if your husband never returns, you will benefit from improving yourself.
There is alot of value in this post, re-read it several times, this is all reality, observing reality, using reality because reality works, fighting reality doesn't work.
The waiting and uncertainty is killing me. After that disaster of a phone conversation I had with him a week and a half ago, I resolved not to contact him since he specifically said "Don't ever call me again!" He hasn't called me, and he hasn't called our son either. Neither of us has called him, me for obvious reasons, and my son because my son says he hates his dad and (putting it nicely ...) doesn't care if dad dies.
This is something that needs to be taken care of immediately. Separation and divorce is very hard on children. When my wife originally left to do her "thing", my kids were distraught and our daughter specifically started saying bad things, having bad thoughts very similar to what your son has said. Don't discount this as just a temporary attitude.
You have to reinforce the idea to your son that he loves his dad and that he should try to contact him. It's quite possible that your husband believes that your son has only heard one side of the story and sides with you and feels rejected again by both of you now not just you.
This is a pattern that your son will repeat when he is older, learning to reject people, and it's not good. Kids don't learn by words, they learn by actions, they learn from your example.
I agree with the perspective you bring to this relationship. But sometimes blocking a poster is useful. That is why they offer the option. If you have not come across a poster who rubs you the wrong way with every opinion offered, that's fine. When it happens, you will also have the option.
