Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

We have always said to look at the small baby steps, and each baby step is great, but really look how all the small baby steps have turned into huge progress since September. Yea you aren't reconciled, but you have made some major progress. H going to therapy, H accepting he has ADHD and depression, H getting the surgery, H sending you texts to ask about you, H beginning to trust you and realize he needs you. Add all of that together and man has some progress been made.

You still have some huge obstacles ahead. The surgery won't fix everything, but hopefully through this you can show him that you are there for him, and that you are worth changing for. Also getting some good sleep will help as well. Remind him that it will take a while for him to completely feel the affects of the surgery. At first he might feel more tired because he is getting so much better sleep than his body is used to, but after a few weeks of getting some good sleep, he will start feeling better and with time his brain will start to heal.

[Lucky11too]

Yes, we definitely have come a long way since last September, but I'm just ready to be at the finish line already! But I know - must have patience...for a little longer!

So a few interesting things the last few days. I had texted with H a bit a Tuesday day time, but I didn't talk to him at all that night. After I went to bed I get a text from H saying "You didn't text me tonight... =\" Ok, not that I am the only one that can initiate texts, right? I was completely asleep, so I didn't even see the text til the next morning. I never acknowledged that text, but just proceeded to instead ask how his day was, which he never responded back on, so whatever.

Later, he texts to say that he just completed his paperwork for the surgery! I took that chance to ask him where he was planning on recovering at. He said at his parents. For him, it probably is the best place b/c he will have his mom and me to take care of him, but for "us" it's not. During the day time, since my in-laws watch S, I will be caring for both S and H (normally S is fine w/o me, but if I'm there, he's not going to let me go). Then I will have to leave at night for S's bedtime, which means no "us" time at night with H. I was just really hoping to have time to just be together and watch movies, etc. This would have worked perfectly at my house or even if we were to stay at his place, we could have made a temporary home. We stayed at his parents for a month when we were first married while we were finishing up our house, and they were completely loving, but there was just way too much mommy babying and didn't really allow us to be us or a couple. Oh well, that's just the way it is though. Let's just get thru the surgery and on with our lives.

So H was there last night when I went to pick up S. It's weird how much of a Jekyll and Hyde he can be. On Sunday when I saw him, he was very loving (but no one was there watching either). Then last night when I come, he gives me a half hug and turns his head so I end up giving him a kiss on the cheek. His parents were sitting right there on the couch, so I don't know if he's afraid of getting their hopes up of a reconciliation or what? So anyways, S and I are on our way out and I hear H on the phone making plans with his friends for that night (but he's still not drinking right now as far as I know, which is great). When he walks us to the car, I make the suggestion that we should get together either Thurs or Fri night (I'm thinking we should actually have some fun time together before the surgery next week), but he says no, but says he took off Monday for Memorial Day and he'll see us then. Me, taken aback a little, asked him if he already had plans then for those nights and he says no. Ok, then, it seems a little weird to me, but whatever. I can't make him want to spend time with me, but it did hurt a little. I continue to feel like I put so much of myself into us, and I just want to see a little bit back. But again, whatever, let's just get thru this surgery.

Last thing to note, I got news last night that S created quite the art project, thanks to H. So my MIL had given S new crayons and a coloring book. He did really well and was just coloring on the coloring book like a good boy. Then MIL goes to change her clothes and leaves H to watch him. From my understanding of the situation, H wasn't really watching him and S took off into the kitchen and colored all across the kitchen floor! Yes, S will have to learn what is appropriate to draw on but I was sooo upset at H for not watching S like he was supposed to! Every time H is in charge of S, he doesn't do his job. Sometimes he falls asleep or like this time, doesn't watch him. Hello, he's only 1 1/2 years old and a very curious and active one at that! You can't do that! H is just lucky that he didn't get himself in any more trouble then that. MIL made H clean up all the mess (luckily after much scrubbing, it did come off). But uggg, I just cringe at the thought of H having S alone ever in any type of custody arrangement. Ahhhh!

[awest1217]

It sounds like H doesn't know yet exactly what he wants. When it comes to S, make sure you are documenting this stuff. Although you don't want to think about D, it is good to have those things so that if it does come to D, you can prove he is not a good parent, neglectful, etc. Something to protect yourself.

Also do you save the texts H sends? I started saving texts in January to make sure that everything he has told me stays saved and documented.

I hope you have a great Friday and a good weekend!

[Lucky11too]

Oh,yeah, you better believe I've been saving texts. I've been saving them since we separated and boy do I have some gems in there. He doesn't know I've saved them, but let's just say, he better not piss me off. For a long time, I had saved them in my phone but then it got filled up, so I had to find a way to transfer them to my computer.

Yeah, H is definitely still all over the place. He sent me some random texts this morning and then I would respond back, but he would never respond back to my response Then he would send a text about a different subject. A little frustrating!

This weekend I'm looking forward to spending extra time with S. I feel like I've been so busy with work recently that I haven't been able to spend as much time as I would like with S. I also have a coupon for a free facial, so I'm doing that on Sat morning. Also, planned for this weekend, my sister got an ice cream maker for Christmas, so she is going to help me make homemade sorbet for H for after his surgery. That should be fun for us to make and I'm sure H will enjoy it.

[awest1217]

Enjoy your weekend, and make some ice cream for yourself!

[Lucky11too]

Interesting weekend so far. I didn't really have much planned with H this weekend b/c he said he would just see us on Monday b/c he has it off. On Friday night though he texts me to see what I'm up to. I was just playing with S and asked what he had in mind. He said he wanted to come over and have one last fun night with me (since next week, he's sure to be grouchy and unpleasant) but that he was also really tired and wanted to go to sleep. I suggest since we were both tired that he should just come over and we could keep it low key and watch a movie and stuff. He comes over and we have a good time together and I guess he was already planning on staying over. That was fine with me b/c then I could see him on Sat too, but I had my facial in the morning. So Friday was great (it's times like that that make me think "we can make it"), but then Saturday was pretty blah. While I was at my facial, instead of getting up to play with S (I don't know if it was ackward for him that my dad was watching S or what), he left to go run an errand and then went to his mom's house. When I got back, he came back, and he took S and I to a late brunch. That was good, but we started talking about some things that made me uncomfortable. Sometimes I honestly don't know why he says the things he does. Quick overview of topics. 1 - he gave up his no drinking before surgery rule. He said not drinking didn't make his body feel any better, so what's the point. OMG, are you serious? You really expect your body to feel better after just a few days? Thank goodness he won't be able to drink the next 2 weeks b/c of the surgery and the medicine he'll be on. 2 - He tells me how his morals are weird and as an example about this tells me about a disagreement him & a few of his friends got in. You had him and a few others on the "I wouldn't let my girl go to vegas (or out) but it's ok for me" side and the other (one guy on his own) on the "if I don't want her to go then it wouldn't be fair for me to go" side. I made a comment about how that was a double standard for him to say that, and H's reply "That's why you're single". What!? I don't why, but H just has a way of making mean comments (not just to me but to EVERYONE). That's something about him as a person I really do not like. That plus his off moral sense is making me very hesitant about a future together.

I had a little walk down memory lane last night that made me pretty sad. I was going thru some boxes of junk that I had sitting in my room since I moved in with my parents and I found some really old pics of H and I. It was H's first birthday that we were together (back when we were 17 and 19) and I had made him a cake. I remember it so clearly b/c H started tearing up when I had given him that cake (H was also "mr. tough guy" and didn't cry, so that meant something). We were just so happy but so young. I honestly hardly recognize us now, especially H. The change is remarkable! It was just another sad remimder tho of all the wonderful memories that H is throwing away.

But anyways, a few more days until the surgery. H still does not know where he is staying to recover b/c his newphew is still at his mom's house. His dad said the newphew needs to go back to his own home, but the MIL, the "enabler", just keeps trying to baby him. It's just frustrating - he's 18 now, got kicked out of his final semester of highschool for his grades (pretty much all f's and d's) and now just sits around the house or out and about doing nothing. Yeah, definitely not time to be enabling. It's time for some tough love for that kid! But back to H, it's just funny how quickly he forgets the responsibility of having an S. He starts suggesting other alternatives like maybe we could stay at a hotel, but then I have to remind him that that would definitely NOT work for S. He's a busy and active boy and there is not way you could enclose him in a hotel room all weekend. He's like oh yeah, so the verdicts still out on where he will stay. So we'll see what happens with that.

So for the rest of the weekend my sis and BIL are coming over tonight for a bbq, and then tomorrow, supposed to have time with S and H, so fun times ahead! =)

[awest1217]

It is definitely hard because things have changed dramatically. For you it has been a year and a half. For me a little over a year, but our H's have changed so much in that time and they have never lived with our S's so they don't know what they can or can't do. It is all just sad.

It is good that H is trying to spend time with you and even spent the night considering his allergies. I just still wonder why he won't just recoup at "his" apartment. Why won't he just let you over?

Hope the rest of the weekend is fun!

[Lucky11too]

What a lousy day yesterday. Go back to Sunday for a minute though. H was extremely upset b/c his family changed their memorial day bbq from Monday to Sunday. He already had Monday off and was excited to go, but could not go on Sunday b/c he had to work a double shift. Yeah, I know that sucks, but he was being such a drama king about it and was saying basically he had to go drink away his sorrows. I tried to talk him down and just be supportive, but he's just such an emotional mess right now. (this should have been my clue to trouble). So back to Monday. He's still pretty tired and grouchy but comes over to see S and I. He drops by to drop off a battery I asked him to get for me, but then left to go across the street to his uncle's house for a bit (they had some friends over). Ok, so hi and bye. He comes back awhile later with a big bag of meat to bbq. There was a lot of meat there, so I asked him if that was enough for my parents to have to (they were out shopping right then). He said yes and that they could have it when they get back b/c he was hungry and wanted to eat now. This is where the huge misunderstanding comes up and causes a huge disaster. I thought it would be good then to see where my parents where at incase they wanted to eat with us now, so I them a call and they are almost home. I get off the phone and H basically freaks out on me saying how he just wanted to have dinner with me, not my parents. I felt horrible b/c I messed his plans up but I can't read his mind. He started sulking and then my parents got home and I started dinner. Just before the food is ready, he says how he's leaving right now, he's not hungry anymore, and how this just brings up too many bad memories. I almost reverted back to my old ways to start begging him to stay. I asked him once and when he said no, I regained my self composure and just ok. It was awful. Speaking of bringing up old memories, it was just like old times, watching him drive away while I sit there holding S with tears in my eyes after I've asked him not to leave. That was the scenario all the time before I moved out and it feels like yesterday again. It just makes me so angry. That's not how you deal with situations. You don't just walk away b/c you don't want to deal with it. You think he would have learned that by now. After he left, he sends me a text about our lack of communication reminds him how our M was always doomed. I apologized for my misunderstanding, but he just comes back with how he's tired of all the sorrys, and shoulda, woulda, couldas. I validated his feelings but tried to keep in positive by saying communication was something I looked forward to working on with him in counseling. I didn't get a response to that. It's frustrating, b/c yeah, I messed up, but 1) it's not a big deal, get over it, 2) we're all allowed to make mistakes 3) it was an honest misunderstanding. I'm not a mind reader!

I felt pretty bad the rest of the evening, and was trying to fight back tears. I talked to my mom about it and she just reminded me not to take it personally b/c he's just really stressed out right now and scared about the surgery and basically just an emotional wreck. I think it was watching him leave that killed me the most though b/c of all the awful memories it brought back. After talking to my mom, I felt a lot better and stronger again. Still sad that it all went down that way, but I'm in control of my emotions again.

Finally, last night, H texts me one last time, saying how he should feel pisst off, but he just feels defeated. I just gave him a cheerleader response back, basically saying how I understand he's going thru a lot right now, but he's doing good by taking steps like the surgery etc and just reminded him that I was there for him. No response back, but at least I got to say my peace.

So anyways, frustrating weekend. Tomorrow is the surgery now, so we'll see how this all affects that. He is supposed to let me know today what time we need to be at the hospital tomorrow, so we'll just see what happens with all this. Unfortuantely for him, whether he feels like it or not, he needs me at this point to help him get thru this. He better not continue to be burning this bridge!

[awest1217]

Your last statement is exactly what I was thinking...what if you just said I am not going to help you find someone else. I know you don't want to do that because you want him to be able to get the surgery and start to sleep better.

You really need to think after the surgery about how he is treating you. He shouldn't be degrading you for a misunderstanding when he goes and drinks instead of seeing you. He needs to get over things and not go off reminding you of how you left when you don't remind him about what he has done all the time.

Have you thought about doing a 180? You have been so supportive so that he would get help, which now he has. Have you thought about doing a 180 as a last resort and just not put up with anything. Be mean instead of nice? Just a thought. Make sure you don't let him get used to talking to you that way especially over something as stupid as your parents coming to dinner with you.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, I agree. I just need him to get thru the surgery first, and then see where we will be. Quick update, he invited me out to lunch today and smoothed things over. He is very scared about tomorrow and also went to the dr today and found out he might also have fibromyaglia. He just feels pretty helpless and hopeless right now, but I'm trying to just keep encouraging him. We have to be at the hospital tomorrow at 6 am, so he is just going to come over after work tonight, so we can leave directly from here. Also, he said he would like to stay with me for as long as his allergies can handle it. So, well see where all this goes.