Back to topic - I always learn something from you PEI. I sometimes convince myself that there aren't any 180s I could be doing but some of the stuff you just mentioned (e.g., not interfering with the kids) - I am really bad at that.
I didn't even see the thing with the kids at first - always thought of myself as helping or running interference to keep him from getting stressed out or overwhelmed ... whatever. I've decided, that unless I am afraid for my kids (and that will NEVER happen with H, he is a great daddy) then his relationship with the kids is his business. If he's short-tempered and they pull away from him, he'll have to figure out what to do about that etc. I'm really learning that different does not mean 'not as good', it simply means different and I'm letting him do this his way.
The other day he was coming down a little hard on S5 and normally I would have tried to intervene and 'fix' whatever the problem was - note that I was always really careful to not appear that I was in disagreement with H so I thought I was doing ok, not understanding that the message he got was 'here, let me, you obviously can't handle this'. This time I did nothing - even had to physically bite my tongue at one point (by the way, having lollypops around has helped keep my mouth shut a time or two as well!) - and guess what, after a couple of minutes of reflection H was down in S5s bedroom making up with him and having a tickle fight - it even included an apology. Now I know that had I interferred his emotions would have then also been directed at me and he would have let me smooth things over with S5 and then they would never have had that experience.
And I'm applying this to all facets of his parenting ... I don't get involved when he picks out their clothes, feeds them or helps with homework - unless he asks for help, and then that's what I do, I help. I don't change it or turn it into something I'm doing, I just follow his lead. Something Greek said to me really hit home. I'm trusting him to take care of them as well as I do. Period.
Feel free to come visit ... y'all are welcome anytime! Jack, I'm like you ... I love the beach in June and Sept/Oct ... not so many people, in fact there are days and beaches where you don't see another soul. Of course, in July and August it's fun to take the kids and all the people don't matter then! I love sitting on the beach at sunset, a fire made of driftwood, listening to the ocean ... now that is Peace
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
