Cause for alarm?

[DaddyLongShanks]

Well huge blow up again...I am so tired of this I feel like just giving in at this point.

I get home from court my w walks downstairs looks at me then tells me an update of FIL GF and I walk out to the kitchen, w pulls from her pocket a phone and asks "what's this?"

I f'd up big time....


This morning I used a house phone in attempts to contact OM/OMW to find out if this had been reported of if they can confirm if W was spoken to...I got no answer. I failed to put the phone back on the receiver and left it in the bathroom...W hit redial and seen the number...

I was honest with her. Told her I was talking to my friend about something and he asked if my W had spoke to me about anything and he said how he overheard my W was going to get a "talking to" by a sup. I told W I was calling OM/OMW to confirm

W said "I want to know who he heard this from" and she demanded I call my friend and find out and I refused. W became upset.

W then started to accuse me of using house phone to call OMW allthe time so she cannot track the phone logs. Then she said how she believes I manipulate the phone logs.

W said how it is dumb that I can talk to omw and she cannit talk to him....I bit. I said how she just does not get it. If she never carried on with om there would be no calls. W started to feed me the friend line again.

I said "friends" don't carry on like you two have. I said "why is it that only you see it as something innocent but everybody else aroind you seen it as how it really was?". W said it does not matter what others thing and we can all think what we want and then she said "he made his decision to work on his marriage"

I expressed briefly how it was not right and in some instances infidelity explaining "friends don't talk on the phone fo hours behind their spouses backs" W then said "I talk to my father on the phone for an hour so I guess I am cheating then too?"

I attempted to explain my rational W played stupid with me. W starte to say how I am hiding things and she has nothing to hide...I was some tempted to bring up all the intel but held back but did bring up the saved messages on the phone...the song lyrics, poems and quotes and stupidly said "sorry he broke your heart"

W said she knew I deleted the messages, I admitted I did because it was of a time I was not thinking clearly. W said then I guess u were not thinking clearly for 10 years...and that just because I deleted the messages does not mean anything cause she told her father everything and mentioned about using it against me

I said I did not delete ur other messages intended for him...

She flipped on me....W said "do u everthing u are the one who broke my heart? And killed me inside to the point I will never be able to get over it that u ruined me?" And went on to bring up things from the past

W said "don't u think I have not tried to make it work by doing things with you and trying to be happy but I can't because of all the pain you caused I just can't be happy with you. Just because I like a quote does not mean it has to exactly apply to my life. Do you ever think that one day I hope to be in a fairy tale relationship. I use to think you were everything but not anymore I realize that I cannot be happy with you "

I said "I did not take our interactions as an attempt to reconcile, I did not know you even considered the thought"

W said " that because I am doing it the only way I know how to, the steps I need to take not the one those rediculous books you read suggest.". She mist had found my books...so I said

"Those books have helped me ou greatly and provided a better understanding on how to do things a healthy way"

W said "good pat yourself on the backn make someone else happy"

I said "my knowldge is you are onlytrying to co exist"

W brought up 10 years and what I put her through that she will never forget and she'll never be happy. That she knows how it really was with other male and I can think whatever I want ect....

Just 20 of pure chaos that I tried to walk away from but bit...I screwed up again W does not trust me and can careless if I can trust her because I can "think whatever I want"

Should I just come clean and tell her what I know or let her play dumb with me?

I am tired of holding onto hope when there is none and everytime I thonk there is progress I shoot myself in the foot and I hjave to start all over again...it is taking its toll on the both of us and I am sure she thinks it is not worth saving

I had left the house not saying anything to her

I am leaving a lot out...just cannot recall everything said right now

OfficerInNeed, this sounds bad. Thing these women don't understand, and I guess OW's don't understand. They can think what they want to. I am basically a victim of some of my wifes female friends enabling a bunch of bad behaviors that makes it nearly impossible for me to be around her. Another of my brothers who did used to specialize in married women would say something to them like "Well your husband is a good provider, but not a good friend". He would then go onto say "Why do you care what he thinks". It was part of a process to get the wife to stop thinking about whats important for her husband, in the end she turns on him.

I think your wife from her communication felt "free" in the other situation. While around you, she may not feel it. Maybe she feels that she has to watch what she does, even though I hear from you its a bunch of bad behaviors and attitudes. She's probably going to have to run into more problems in life before she can appreciate a man such as yourself.

I'm also surprised she has not tested out intimacy even one time with you yet, its been so many weeks. I guess she was in love with the OM, and didn't want to cheat on him.

I wish you luck, and like I said, your sitch is better than most of ours.

[MrBond]

AllenA,

Again. I did not say the apology comes right away. I'm saying that somewhere down the line in order for there to be a successful R, there is an apology. Every successful thread and book shows it.

OIN is not close to it. I was just making a comment.

[MrBond]

OIN,

Sorry to hear about the turn of events. But you backslid and it happens to everyone. As hard as it is, you have to let the stuff about the OM go. Even if by trying to find out if the supervisor talked to your W.

You can't "fix" this. Let it die on it's own.

You can do this. If you want to continue your M, then be strong.

[DaddyLongShanks]

The "apology" could be in the form of actions.

[Allen A]

DLS, I agree, I think the apology IS coming in that form now with the bicycle etc...

I don't even know who brought it up initially but this idea of expecting apologies is ridiculous right now... It's just going to mess things up worse looking for an apology or thinking that way.

[Allen A]

OIN, there will be bad days.

To be honest, it sounds like you two both had things to get off your chest... And neither of you are in aplace where they can come out gently so they come out as a shout instead.

There will be bad days, I WARNED you a blow up was coming... and there will be more... but FEWER than before and not as bad usually.

1. Don't argue with your wife, just give her space, STOP BITING as you put it and let it GO
2. Stop romanticizing her affair... talking about him "breaking her heart" just sentimentalizes her nonsense behaviour.
3. The HUGE RED LIGHT i heard was her talking about a fairytale life with you being impossible... Fairytale lives ARE IMPOSSIBLE PERIOD.. that's why they are FAIRY TALES... A Fairy Tale is a story about soemthing that ISN'T TRUE

YOur wife is still romanticizing marriage WAY TOO MUCH and when reality hits.. she thinks YOU are the problem. Your wife needs marriage education, she has unreasonable expectations of marriage... Check out MWD's ten marriage myths... your wife likely is falling for many of them.

4. She was snooping into the books you got as I thought she would... that's good..

She's got a lot of rage about work and the OM and her embarassment right now... do NOT volunteer to be the punching bag for that... stay OUT of it... let her be angry at someone else, you do NOT want to create painful memories for her.

You are doing well here despite what you may think. You need to STOP ARGUING and stop taking her bait.. she baits you and you fall for it... WALK AWAY

TELL HER outright..

"You are baiting me for an argument here and I don't want one... I am not being rude, I just don't want a fight so I am going to go away now and calm myself down ok?"

And you walk away...

Don't say it mean or accusingly or even loudly, say it calmly, just tell her that she's inviting an argument and you don't want to fight... and walk away... Don't wait for her to reply or anything.. say what i wrote above and slowly walk away...

[DaddyLongShanks]

I think when its good we'll just know, and it will take time, alot of time. For me it would be after sufficient time had past and the wife had through her actions, and priorities indicated I am the number one man in her life and that she does not have enough time to contribute to any more affairs or anything else going against the marriage. That nearly in every facet of life that they are thinking about their marriage as a priority, in their actions and interactions. I believe after sufficient time has past where the relationship partner has put the relationship as number one, that the pain of the past will eventually fall off. Kinda like bad credit on a credit report.

So it may be after 2 or 3 years of good, things are pretty good and after 7 years of good they may be pristine, that the pain of the past would be a small and distant memory.

[Allen A]

OIN, your wife needs a FT to teach her this :


MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE

- Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don't kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
- Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
- Don't make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren't in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.


I know she refuses therapy.. She DID admit she tried to fix things "the only way she knows how". If that comes up again you tell her outright that's what marriage therapy does.. It TEACHES you how to be married PROPERLY... Its like any other class in school..unfortunatley schools don't teach Marriage Classes.. They seem to think chemistry, auto shop, and foreign languages are more important...

[OfficerInNeed]

What started this all is W found the phone and seen I called OMW...I brought this on myself. I did not get through to OMW/OM but I did want to find out if the conversation happened. It was a stupid move on my part.

Now W thinks every time I go next door I am using the phone to make calls and that I have been making calls all along. Somehow the phone number of OMW/OW was saved into the phone's directory (I swear I did not do that, don't know how it happened) and now I am being blamed for that too and W does not believe what I have to say.

I should had never made the call and we would not be in this mess.

I said somethings to my W about OM maybe I should not had. I called her out on her feelings for him and said she was being dishonest. It just kills me when she tells me "I have nothing to hide" when she is hiding a lot.

Then my W wanted to make it as if though those poems and song lyrics may have been meant for me. NO, they were NOT.

I am not sure how to proceed from here.

W thinks I am a liar. W thinks I have been lying all along. W saying she can't trust me. W saying she tried to make it work but cannot be happy so she is done trying.

[MrBond]

OIN,

Stop thinking that you know what your W thinks. It's what she believes right now. It doesn't mean that it won't/can't change later. Last week you were saying the same things, yet once you started loosening up, she responded much more positively. Your actions are having an effect but you have to understand that you can't control the sitch.

If you found out that she was talked to by the supervisor, what then? What would you have done? Probably nothing.

If you go next door and she starts accusing you of calling the OMW, then tell her she can come if she likes, then leave without waiting for an answer. Let her paranoia feed on itself. You don't need to feed it yourself.