My Husband Just Left Me

[BrownEyes]

Thank you everyone for once again talking me off a ledge.   I have a call into my doctor to try and get a faster acting anti-depressant, an anti anxiety and some sleeping pills. I’m still not sleeping or eating well and it’s starting to effect me mentally.  Today at work I felt like everyone knew about what was going on (I have only told 3 close friends and my parents about the separation so far), when someone would ask me “is anything new?” “how are you doing?”  I felt like they knew something was wrong.  I’m paranoid basically which I know is from lack of sleep.
 
Please don’t give up on me, I promise I’m not TRYING to be difficult – I’m just feeling overwhelmed and it’s kind of like a light bulb just went on or something when I went on craigslist this morning.  I was completely shocked.  He hasn’t fixed anything and is worse than ever and escalating – and it was like I almost felt empowered or something because its like I finally realized it’s not about me and that he has a problem.  I’m still kind of in denial I think and keep thing, well, is it a problem?  I think I need to speak to a professional that can help me sort it out.
 
It’s like I start freaking out and then even being able to write it down and share it with you makes me feel so much better.
 
I obviously don’t know what my boundaries are but actually seeing that 4 days after he leaves he is out prowling doesn’t make me want to help him anymore.  It makes me angry enough and feel disrespected enough that I don’t feel bad packing up his stuff.  I just have no idea when he is coming over to get anything.  He still hasn’t called me.  I know he has an appointment with his therapist today and I have a feeling he will try to work out a plan with the therapist. I’m still going to continue being friendly and cordial.  I just want him to get help. Honestly, that’s all I care about at this point and it’s been so hard not having anyone else know about his “deep, dark secret”.  When I found out before he begged me not to tell anyone and said he felt like dying because he was so ashamed and he said he wanted to get help.  I know what I am doing is not working and that is going to change.
 
I am afraid that because his parents don’t know they are going to enable him to continue his behavior. I know right now he is staying there and his mom spoils him and caters to him.  There is nothing I can do about that but that worries me that it will hinder any progress I try to make on my end.
 
I also have an unrelated question to your separations in general.  Did you tell your friends and family?  did you tell boss/co workers? What did you tell them?  What did you discuss?  Did you wear your wedding/engagement rings?

[BrownEyes]

Thank you everyone. As I was typing the last long post I see you posted some links and words of encouragement. It means so much. This place is keeping me sane so don't leave me!

[CityGirl]

No, we won't leave you!

How about this (just a suggestion!) take today and just focus on your anxiety. Logically you won't be able to make good choices about exposure or boundaries when you are so riddled with panic and anxiety.

I mean, one day won't change all of this, right?

[BrownEyes]

You are right! It will not! I can do this! Thank you all - onward and upward!

[Ready2Change]

Did you tell your friends and family? did you tell boss/co workers? What did you tell them? What did you discuss? Did you wear your wedding/engagement rings?

Right now, I would suggest telling as few people as possible.

If you have good relationship with your boss, say "I just wanted to let you know I have some marriage issues i am dealing with right now." No one else at the office needs to know.

Tell you parents when you are ready. No rush.

The ring has been discussed. You have time to worry about that later. Keep it on for now. Do not react if he takes his off. We will offer guidance on how to RESPOND.

[Ready2Change]

Can you find a quiet place for a few minutes? Close your eyes and breath. While you are doing that visualize your body slowing down rather than speeding up internally. Try and think of each part of your body as you visualize your "internal flow" normalizing.

Great way to state this. I do this. It helps.

Also closing your eyes and imagine someone (Mom, dad, good friend, GOD, Brad Pitt ) holding you. Feel the good feelings it gives you. Deep slow relaxing breathing.

[BrownEyes]

He left his ring on the table on Saturday when he walked out the door. I have told three close friends and my parents. My parents live close to me and are supportive so that has been helpful.

I had asked my mom to come over and let the dog out today since I would not be home. She called me and said WH was there - she did not go inside. I'm driving home now so we will see what he took. He nevered called to say he was going over.

[BrownEyes]

So, I came home and husband did not to appear have taken anything. If my mom had not driven by (because she was coming over to take out the dog) I would have still known he would have been there because he brought his mail into the bedroom and his computer. He was obviously watching TV in the bedroom.

It just irritates me. My lawyer said unless there is a legal seperation filed that has boudaries outlined that he can come and leave whenever he wants and doesn't need to ask.

[newmama]

So now are you buying into "believe nothing they say and half of what they do?" see- they move waaaaaay slower than they talk!

I wore my ring for the first couple of months but asked WH to give me his ring. Then my fingers became too swollen (I was pregnant) so I took it off. I told my close friends and family and made him tell his friends and family. I followed up to make sure he did and shared more truth. I did not tell my boss. I told 2 coworker friends that I trusted to not talk to anyone else but each other (if you tell one person, they need to be able to tell someone else!) What I told everyone is that WH was being stupid, thinking he is in love with the office tramp, but that I believe he is escaping through this affair and will come around and that I wanted to stay married.

[BrownEyes]

Hi Everyone,

So, I have 100% confirmed that the craigslists ad was WH. I emailed the ad from the fake email and I asked him what he was looking for, etc. and asked him to send a picture.

He emailed back with his picture (stupidly) and said he was looking for "friends with benefits" and that he needed to be discreet and he could "possible host but it could be tricky". He asked for the fake person to give their phone number. I'm going to be watching his cell phone records now to see what calls he is making.

I have no reason to email him back but it worries me that he may try to bring a woman over while I'm at work on Thursdays when he says "I could host but it would be tricky". I'm alsmost thinking about getting a hidden camera and putting it near our front entrance so I can see who comes into the house when I'm not there.

I'm still going to be DBing and working on the steps and most importantly, myself. However, I want to get this evidence now because if a divorce does end up going down I'm giong to use this. I want to keep this house that I worked so hard for. I could technically file right now because I have enough evidence that he is cheating or if he hasn't is going to be. I also have all the emails from his last fake email address with all the women he contacted over 2-3 years. I changed the password a long time ago so I have all that too and the fact he also had an affair. Although legally it is considered that I "forgave" him for the affair and past indiscretions because he lived in our home and we had sex since those things occured.

I did a lot of research last night on addiction and sexual addiction and I am now convinced that he has a problem. He has all the signs:
•Thinking of sex to the detriment of other activities or continually engaging in excessive sexual practices despite a desire to stop. (I know he is highly ashamed and has tried to stop)
•Spending considerable time in activities related to sex, such as cruising for partners or spending hours online visiting pornographic Web sites.
•Continually engaging in the sexual behavior despite negative consequences, such as broken relationships or potential health risks.

It almost makes me feel better now because I know it's not about me. The sad thing is is that I don't think he realizes he has a problem. It also makes me question what the hell he was actually doing in couseling for the past four month - does his therapist even know about this?