still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

Here are some to do tasks (some fun, some good for me)for the next few days:

today

-take S to tumble class
-switch S' toys around
-put together some of S' new toys
-return clothing at store, buy Avett Brothers new album
-put away laundry and clean kitchen
-make caramel corn using WH's grandma's recipe (she sent it to me last week )
-order supplies for S' Elmo birthday party
-work out, watch movie while doing so

tomorrow

take S swimming,
take S to my school, bring caramel corn to staff
take S on nature walk with new Single Parents group (my first event!)

Sat-Sun-Mon

help my G-ma with her laptop
pull the dead weeds in the front lawn
put together S' new kitchen (it will take 4-6 hours)
take S to park
make plans with J
work out and watch movies while doing so
look up books to read for fun (not self help or cook books or relationship books!!!)
look into video camera to purchase

[LauraOh]

Hey NEwmom, the part about relaxing in the house--I think he won't think that until you are a little warmer and more inviting--seems you have been waiting near the door, not really talking and so he feels pressure to leave.

Maybe make comments like "oh, darn, forgot to get xyz today--I'll pick it up tomorrow..." See if he picks up on any of that.

And try a phrase that has respect in it (I am rather fixated on respect, since I read the book.lol) And I know, ULTIMATELY it's tough when they are doing what they are doing but...one phrase like "H, I really respect how wonderful you are with S." (think of your own way of saying that).

They say it's a really powerful way to get to a guy. And to stop the "crazy cycle", you have to start with SOMETHING.

You can get to your H through your S--OW doesn't have this advantage!

[newmama]

OK cleaned up kitchen- going to take S to tumble class after this!

Hmmm...Thank you Laura for those suggestions. I have said things like S sure loves his daddy! S is happy to see you! But not using the word respect. I respect your level of commitment to S? I respect your role as a dad? I respect how much you are working and still coming back and forth to see your son???? Not sure....

As for dropping hints, you see he mostly did acts of service or picked stuff up on his own- without any hint from me whatsoever! So my goal isn't really to get him to buy me stuff--it is to get him to WANT to buy me stuff, you know? To desire it.

I do think he is expecting me to cave on my stance, though. Over the last year, I have said :
March 09: I want a divorce!
a month goes by
April 09"I don't know if I want a divorce."
a couple months go by
July 09 He says he thinks he has to divorce me. I say "Fine! I want a divorce! No I don't! I don't know!"
a month goes by
August 09 He says he needs to get the divorce started I say "No, I don't want a divorce"
October 09 He says he needs to complete the paperwork
I say "I don't want this divorce! It's your choice!"

March 2010 he says he has to make a decision and he needs to go through with the paperwork. I say "No!!!! I don't want this!" (not those exact words)
After discussion, he says he has doubts and that he doesn't want to lose me (among other things).

I few days later I tell him I don't want the divorce, I want to reconcile but if he decides to divorce, fine, I will move forward.

April 2010 he says he has decided this is what he wants and doesn't want to keep hurting me. I tell him ok, here is the work I have done in preparation and show him. He says "Wow, you have been thinking about this!" I say "yeah- I told you I had plans for my future."

I start the new visitation arrangement. I start doing more with my single parent groups. I stop communicating as much with him.

He hasn't brought up paperwork discussion, neither have I.

My point for listing out the timeline is you see how every time he has said "OK I want to do this" I say "NO!!!!"

BUT THIS TIME he said "OK I want to do this" I said "Ok."
So to me now I have to prove to him that I am serious and not playing around and won't say "NOOOO! I change my mind! Please don't!" or start pursuing him.

Am I making sense here?
OK off to play with S!

[newmama]

Ok thinking some more (I do that!) btw I just made the caramel corn, switched out the toys AND MOWED THE LAWN! For the 2nd time in my life!
I remember doing it in 2007 so I tried to pull the cord that starts the engine and that didn't work. I then remembered you are supposed to hold down the handlebar at the same time and that didn't work.

I was THIS CLOSE to asking my neighbor for help but then I remembered reading someone's post about how she changed a tire by herself but at one point her son told her she should ask for help. She persisted and then succeeded! So it inspired me and then I remembered pushing a button and sure enough, found the "button" that you press 3x to prime the pump! I pulled the cord and held down the handlebar at the same time and VOILA! Houston we have lift off!

As you can tell, I feel proud of myself!

[Babydoll]

NM, i like the suggestion LauraOh made above!

i like how she said we have to "stop the cycle". In a sense I feel like that is what I did, although it was hard (still is sooo hard) but it seems to be working.

Keep up the good work! Keep your H on his toes... iread back and like when you met H to drop off son and you mentioned you were meeting a friend... wonder what he thought about that

Sounds like you are doing a great job... keep the faith!

[newmama]

I know I blab a lot on here- but it helps me so much!

OK now I was thinking about the timeline I posted. Here is the pattern- he brings the D up, I fight it, he drops it. So this time I didn't fight it. Therefore, unfortunately, it makes sense that he will actually go through with it. Do you see what I mean?


BUT here is another thought. It makes sense that he COULD be bringing up the D because OW COULD be pressuring him.He doesn't want to lose her (he is enjoying himself at this time so why not continue getting the sex and laughs or whatever they do),he doesn't want to lose me, BUT he thinks I will always be there because I have been this whole time. So he can come back to me if it doesn't work out with OW. (He THINKS).

Originally I told him (last May) that I won't wait forever and the window is closing. I think I said that in August. YET MY ACTIONS are showing that I am waiting for him.

OW (could be) telling him that she will leave him if he doesn't divorce me. YET she is still there and he hasn't divorced me, although he repeatedly brought it up. On her end, her actions are showing that she is threatening, but not following through, so now SHE is the one waiting and not following through. He has learned that if he brings it up to me, it gets her off his back for a little while...he is testing her! But she is bound to bring it up again. maybe any day!

So he could very well be waiting for one of us to follow through so he doesn't have to decide. Here is my reasoning for this:

In January 09, when I found out that he had "feelings" for her and I asked him if he slept with her he said no but he wishes he did so then I would just leave him and he wouldn't have to choose!

I am feeling like I should give him his wish....what would he think if he saw I was

[newmama]

I forgot to add that between OW and I, I am actually the one now who is giving signs of following through on not waiting around forever!

[newmama]

lol- oops, I was doing tons of mind reading and assuming so I have no clue if OW is actually saying or doing any of those things!

BD I appreciate your positive thinking but I realized if I am going to be willing to file for D in July, I better change my focus during my meditation to emphasizing that I want the H that I married to return to me, not the the current WH. (yes I know technically that he will never be the same but those who have been through infidelity know what I mean I think- a defogged H!)

I hope this works out for me...accepting divorce from WH and being open to reconciliation from H.

[LauraOh]

I forget, but how long do they say these things go on usually?

I would say that any day now you will have the "upper hand" because the "love hormones" or whatever makes them addicted will be gone.

You know, I forgot about doing this 6 years ago, but when my H would bring up D, I would always answer that it wasn't what I wanted, but I RESPECT his decision.

That was pretty powerful in my sitch.

I did like your script about respecting your H's commitment to come and be a good dad and also working so hard. Really emphasize that.

Do you think OW has all these good DBing resources? You have a whole team of support and she is no match for YOU (and us!lol)

[newmama]

I forget, but how long do they say these things go on usually?

I would say that any day now you will have the "upper hand" because the "love hormones" or whatever makes them addicted will be gone.

I have heard 6 mo-2years but have observed on DB many seem to last 18 months! And at one of my meetups, I heard the chemicals wear off at 15 months so people have to say "hmm...the thrill is gone but are there enough other factors for me to stay with this person?"

I am not sure when to start the 15 months between the 2 of them. Did it start when they slept together in October 08? or when I kicked him out in March 09 and they were able to be together? Let's say it was March 09. Then June will be the month when the chemicals wear off.

Do you think OW has all these good DBing resources? You have a whole team of support and she is no match for YOU (and us!lol)

No, but she does have the Bunny Boiler Bible! She seems to intuitively know how to seduce and manipulate (the willing! am not letting WH off the hook) so I bet she knows how to threaten and coerce!

But I see what you mean...the good thing about DBing is that if I end up divorced, I will be new and improved instead of just broken hearted!