Cause for alarm?

[OfficerInNeed]

Well huge blow up again...I am so tired of this I feel like just giving in at this point.

I get home from court my w walks downstairs looks at me then tells me an update of FIL GF and I walk out to the kitchen, w pulls from her pocket a phone and asks "what's this?"

I f'd up big time....


This morning I used a house phone in attempts to contact OM/OMW to find out if this had been reported of if they can confirm if W was spoken to...I got no answer. I failed to put the phone back on the receiver and left it in the bathroom...W hit redial and seen the number...

I was honest with her. Told her I was talking to my friend about something and he asked if my W had spoke to me about anything and he said how he overheard my W was going to get a "talking to" by a sup. I told W I was calling OM/OMW to confirm

W said "I want to know who he heard this from" and she demanded I call my friend and find out and I refused. W became upset.

W then started to accuse me of using house phone to call OMW allthe time so she cannot track the phone logs. Then she said how she believes I manipulate the phone logs.

W said how it is dumb that I can talk to omw and she cannit talk to him....I bit. I said how she just does not get it. If she never carried on with om there would be no calls. W started to feed me the friend line again.

I said "friends" don't carry on like you two have. I said "why is it that only you see it as something innocent but everybody else aroind you seen it as how it really was?". W said it does not matter what others thing and we can all think what we want and then she said "he made his decision to work on his marriage"

I expressed briefly how it was not right and in some instances infidelity explaining "friends don't talk on the phone fo hours behind their spouses backs" W then said "I talk to my father on the phone for an hour so I guess I am cheating then too?"

I attempted to explain my rational W played stupid with me. W starte to say how I am hiding things and she has nothing to hide...I was some tempted to bring up all the intel but held back but did bring up the saved messages on the phone...the song lyrics, poems and quotes and stupidly said "sorry he broke your heart"

W said she knew I deleted the messages, I admitted I did because it was of a time I was not thinking clearly. W said then I guess u were not thinking clearly for 10 years...and that just because I deleted the messages does not mean anything cause she told her father everything and mentioned about using it against me

I said I did not delete ur other messages intended for him...

She flipped on me....W said "do u everthing u are the one who broke my heart? And killed me inside to the point I will never be able to get over it that u ruined me?" And went on to bring up things from the past

W said "don't u think I have not tried to make it work by doing things with you and trying to be happy but I can't because of all the pain you caused I just can't be happy with you. Just because I like a quote does not mean it has to exactly apply to my life. Do you ever think that one day I hope to be in a fairy tale relationship. I use to think you were everything but not anymore I realize that I cannot be happy with you "

I said "I did not take our interactions as an attempt to reconcile, I did not know you even considered the thought"

W said " that because I am doing it the only way I know how to, the steps I need to take not the one those rediculous books you read suggest.". She mist had found my books...so I said

"Those books have helped me ou greatly and provided a better understanding on how to do things a healthy way"

W said "good pat yourself on the backn make someone else happy"

I said "my knowldge is you are onlytrying to co exist"

W brought up 10 years and what I put her through that she will never forget and she'll never be happy. That she knows how it really was with other male and I can think whatever I want ect....

Just 20 of pure chaos that I tried to walk away from but bit...I screwed up again W does not trust me and can careless if I can trust her because I can "think whatever I want"

Should I just come clean and tell her what I know or let her play dumb with me?

I am tired of holding onto hope when there is none and everytime I thonk there is progress I shoot myself in the foot and I hjave to start all over again...it is taking its toll on the both of us and I am sure she thinks it is not worth saving

I had left the house not saying anything to her

I am leaving a lot out...just cannot recall everything said right now