What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

Ooh, one last thing to say. I don't know how much he likes me being strong. Seriously. I think for some reason he prefers someone who is needier. (Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.) So when I start emails off with asserting my strength ("I will lead her to. . . "), I think he is turned off.

The question is, am I supposed to change that about myself to assuage his ego?

I don't think so. If he were ever to be back with me, I'd want him to appreciate the strength I had for our daughter. And not wish that I was so low that he could 'save' me. At the same time, I would increase opportunities to point out and appreciate his manhood because I think that's what he wants.

[newmama]

And I was also thinking of asking him to install the carseat, ha! Hopefully he'll feel like he's contributing.

Gatsby, I really think that is a grrreat idea! I see on this board all the time where the DB coaches are telling the wives to let their Hs do things for them- it must be a male ego thing because they like to feel needed!

In retrospect tonight, I think it's really interesting that he asked if I got the baby gifts. I read on somebody's thread (maybe yours) about love languages. And maybe my WH likes to give gifts. He's been giving me a couple of gifts, but I never said thank you for the baby gifts. I was not in that place at the time. I said thank you for the Mother's Day gift. I think he likes my appreciation. Which is hard for me to give. Because there's so much that I HAVEN'T appreciated lately.

And Coach and Puppy were saying how men like to be appreciated for their skills- I am thinking gifts, too! (duh- don't we all? ) I completely understand why you haven't wanted to thank him though- you know I understand!

This is just really hard. Giving with the hope of getting something back in the future, no guarantees, etc. And to the person who wounded you so deeply.

OK I admit I have faked acting nice when I didn't want to because I hoped for a reconciliation outcome! But other than that I really try not to expect something in return! I think the giving thing must be a form of love and maybe respect which is something that I have a hard time feeling for WH so I do know what you mean.

The question is, am I supposed to change that about myself to assuage his ego?

From what I see on this forum, the real way to get some of our WASs back is to genuinely change/improve areas that bothered them but that we also felt we needed to improve.

Maybe a way of staying strong but changing a little is to be less controlling and to let him take the lead? I don't know-just brainstorming! OK off to a girls night out! It was fun "posting" to you!

[gatsby11]

Hey, I'm up. Baby's been moving a lot and I guess I've got a lot on my mind.

Thanks for your response, NM!

Yes, I will try to let him take the lead. I tried with this email, but I just didn't wait long enough. (Was he really going to write, though? Or was he just thinking about it?)

I decided that I wanted to see him at my apartment. I don't want to see him in a public place like a restaurant because a) I just feel like the first time he's "seeing" his baby (when we left she hadn't moved yet) should be more private and b) a public place sort of implies being there for more than 15 minutes.

So when I write him back I'm going to suggest coming to the apartment. I'm going to really try hard to be respectful and appreciative of what I can be. (Thanks for the gifts, thanks for carseat installation), and I *might* ask him how work is. But those would be my only initiatives (besides to try to get her to move for him) and I'll let him do the rest. When he sees my apartment and all of my/our things and sees me ready to pop, I think he will feel apologetic. I'm not sure how that will come across. I expect it will come across as insecurity-- "Do you hate me?"-- and if he asks that I'd say of course not. I told you already I'll always love you.

(As Tina Turner says, though, what's love got to do with it?)

I think I can be friendlier at my apartment than I would be out at some restaurant/coffee shop. So that will help too.

That's my plan. I'll let ya know how it goes.

[Babydoll]

Gatsby, sorry I havent been on here to catch up! You have so much going on!

Think its interesting he wants to meet up with you... inviting him to your place puts you in control. I think if he saw you in your world, with your baby things, and your confidence, he may notice what he is missing out on.

I would meet him, curious to see what he says...

It is EXTREMELY hard to start of the Friend thing... not easy at all. You have read my posts and see how it has brought me back and forth. I am simply trusting the fact that all the success stories I heard about (particulalry with MLC, didnt research the OW much) have all started piecing with the start of friendship.

Its a crazy cycle of what does this mean, why does he want to be involved now and so on.

I understand what you are saying by not wanting to show him you are needy and something you are not... but unfortunatley the MALE EGO does need to feel somewhat needed. Actually, I think we as women like that too... just try to think if the shoe were on the othe rfoot, how would you want him to approach you?
with kindness, and no expectations, be gentile and kind, and attractive!

will post more later... at work gotta run

[gatsby11]

Hey! Thanks for stopping by. It's been a CRAZY day and hopefully I'll go to bed soon. That 4 am awakening was not good!

I wrote him and said that I think a face-to-face meeting could work. If he had any free time, he could stop by apartment and see baby stuff and I'll try to make her move.

He wrote back at the end of the day and said okay, what time?

So I think I'm going to go for Sunday.

Thanks for your thoughts, BD, it is really hard. But I'll give it a whirl.

[newmama]

Sunday, huh? Boy will I be anticipating your post!

"Do you hate me?"-- and if he asks that I'd say of course not. I told you already I'll always love you.

This made me tear up!! It is so selfless because he has left you pregnant and you still love the H underneath this bizarre behavior!

BTW my therapist said today that the reason 50% marriages are ending in divorce is simply that people don't HAVE to stay married anymore (no need for the economic benefits and it is socially acceptable to be divorced)so they would rather divorce than deal with the difficult challenges that got them to that point. Meaning they say the fight for recovery is too hard- it would be easier to divorce.
(but there are some deal breakers for which we have every right to kick 'em to the curb!)

And I read some marriage therapist's blog who said that if people stay together for the kids, there is nothing wrong with that because many times it can be the motivating reason to work things out.

[gatsby11]

Hey, NM, again, totally agree. It's really easy to run from marriage problems now. Not saying it's just him that's doing it; I think I did/do, too! And sometimes it is daunting-- we have all THAT to work on?-- I'll find someone new, thanks. But yeah, especially for kids, it is good to give it a good try at least.

I can do that-- I can be friendly and respectful to him for HER sake.

(I'm trying to run through all scenario options so I'm ready-- him being a jerk, him being sad, him being just indifferent and distant, him being excited-- and thinking of my responses. I'm also thinking 'what will make me feel the best when he leaves?" so i might have a goal or something to work toward.)

K, gotta get to work!

[Babydoll]

Good Luck Sunday Gatsby...
try to erase your mind of all negativity, hurt, and wipe out the pain (as best you can). Take a few deeo breaths and try to exude happiness and confidence and love! Be the real you... the best you! If nothing else you will feel great and this will also help lighten the mood. Dont want to meet him with the claws out because then he will be defensive and withdrawn.

Feel free to make a list of things you would like to go over with him. Asking him to help with car seat! Excellent idea! You need someone to do it anyways... why not him!

[gatsby11]

Hey BD, thanks for stopping by. It's been SOOOOOOOO BUSY today I didn't even have enough time to write WH back. So I'll do that tomorrow. Hopefully Sunday works for him!

I have to go through a couple thoughts I had. Or maybe just one thought, can't remember the other.

If he apologizes, it might actually piss me off. Like if he says "I'm sorry about how I handled our break up. I should have been more thoughtful." I'd want to say, "I hope you feel better because you just said that to console your own guilt." I actually don't even know how to respond. I might just nod and then bring up the car seat (which is going to be the last thing as he walks out the door, ha ha.)

What I would really want to say is, "Oh, I feel so much better. You just loaded this huge cross onto my shoulders and now you've come back to say sorry that you did that. Right before you scurry away again. Thanks."

So at least I'm thinking it through now. Because if it happened in the moment, I'd probably really show my displeasure. That might be okay, though. I can't help but be honest. Even my silence and changing the subject is a "nice" way of saying that it didn't help me at all.

That's all my thoughts for now, going to check threads!

[newmama]

If he apologizes, it might actually piss me off. Like if he says "I'm sorry about how I handled our break up. I should have been more thoughtful." I'd want to say, "I hope you feel better because you just said that to console your own guilt." I actually don't even know how to respond. I might just nod and then bring up the car seat (which is going to be the last thing as he walks out the door, ha ha.)

I think that nodding is better than nothing at all- it is like you "acknowledge" that he feels sorry for himself (lol) but you don't have to verbally "accept" his apology.

Oh good- I'm glad you are getting him to help you get that car seat installed now! Something to not worry about!