WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

I really appreciate your support...it does help some to know I'm not alone thanks... (((Mila))) I'm just trying to muddle my way through my feelings and not doing a very good job of it...

I've been reading posts and trying to get my bearings again.. trying to impart what little I know to others... I'm starting to have a rougher time of it though now... In reading others' mistakes I've realized even more painfully the depth of mine in my M and more recently in my interactions with H ... And it's making me feel even more hopeless..

I wasn't the emotional lead.. and I stopped following his along the way...

I didn't get over what happened to me as a child.. I thought I had.. but nowhere close.. Sexual intimacy meant something totally different to me than to him... I still am a long way from being on the same page on that front...

I stopped being strong from within and started coping with things unemotionally.. stopped feeling..

And the b!tch of it is I feel and show feelings 10x more since he left than I did in the last 10 years.. and it sucks that I know this too late... cuz it feels like too late for me and H right now.. Now someone like me (but not exactly) has stepped in where I fell down... and he's running in her direction at every opportunity..

No I'm not saying my M breakdown is all my fault.. I've moved past that and know what was in my control and not..

But boy did I f*ck up what *was* in my control... and still am.. I have no idea how H is ever going to know it's possible for us to come back from this... That I understand we both made mistakes (and still are) out of pain and unknowing... I feel like he is going to keep running because the idea of trying to make a new R with me would be even more painful to him.. I know too much.. I know him too much.. I just didn't know me until recently.. and I still don't...

I don't feel that me knowing me and being me is enough to bring him back from the fantasy he's created with her. I don't feel enough anymore for him. Not saying he is better than I.. but that he may not know that I can be what he needs in a W.. if given another chance..