Cause for alarm?

[OfficerInNeed]

Allen,
Yes I did mention finances being an issue. Several pages back I posted links to FT. My concern is and has been that if my W agreed to go to FT that she would open up and once again recall the past and relapse to the mindset she currently has "I'll never forgive you, never forget, therefore never be happy with you"

[DaddyLongShanks]

If she does that, "you can do better".

[Lotus]

If she thinks that, why did she buy you the bicycle? It's not that simple. But, as I said earlier, when problems are swept under the rug, they just stay there and fester. Things don't get better by themselves. This article talks about how a person who feels that he/she has been a victim turns into an abuser. Once the cycle is started it is very hard to break.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ange...e-more-not-okay

[Allen A]

Allen,
Yes I did mention finances being an issue. Several pages back I posted links to FT. My concern is and has been that if my W agreed to go to FT that she would open up and once again recall the past and relapse to the mindset she currently has "I'll never forgive you, never forget, therefore never be happy with you"

That's not a constructive position and it is something the family therapist is trained to work with... a good one anyways.

You can't NOT go to family therapy simply because you are afraid your wife won't want to cooperate...

If she agrees to go but won't cooperate then she's just wasting her money... and YES... make HER pay for half of it...

If she's willing to spend her money to go someplace and REFUSE to COOPERATE or work on her marriage let her spend her money... YOu can talk to FT about your issues and get something useful out of it.

You really will need to talk to these FT's ahead of your wife anyways... The FT will explain to you how they would handle her stubborness... And if they CAN'T explain it... Find a new FT

[OfficerInNeed]

I had a long day yesterday...

I did not get out of work till 830 then had to be in court by 9. Was at court till 1130 by the time I got hom and finally in bed my W got home from work...

W was acting kind of odd when she got home. She walked into the bedroom letting out a deep breath I looked at her she glanced at me then looked foward as she was walking and she had a slight smirk on her face...a look as if she knew something I did not.

W then got changed laid in bed with her back to me. I got up and decided to go run an errand...never getting any sleep...

I told my W I am taking the dog for a walk and said she is welcome to join us, she did. We took the dog to a nearby park..

While there my W brings up my health insurance and the fact I will be switching over to a new plan. W then began talking about how she wanted to get corrective eye surgery done along with a couple other things...w is currently not on my health insurance so I found it odd she would start talking as she is or will bed. I just went along with it saying nothing more than "yeah, it would be great to get that procedure done". Thinking to myself is my w now trying to get things out of me before she departs? My w was never such a person but now I am weary...

We eventually walked back home, then drove w's car for a car wash and returned.

Now here something I wanted to ask...should I make the following a big deal?

W was on the computer she goes to youtube she starts searching for a video. Then she ask "what was the name of that song?" But the night before she was on youtube looking at ALL these videos already so she already knew the song title ect she was just playing dumb with me. Should I but concerned she was in a sense being dishonest?

Shortly after I was out I feel to sleep after being up for more than 30 hours

[OfficerInNeed]

W left work early today again due to a "headache"

She sent me a txt saying "I was looking for you to see if I past you on the way home, did not see you"

Then w called, I missed the call so called her back and she said "just letting you I made it home from work" completely catching me off guard.... She told me about the headache, I suggested she try to relax and had to go since I am at court...

I am wondering is today was the day the talk occured....OM has today off

[Allen A]

I am wondering if your wife knows you have been collecting INTEL... That's what it sounds like...

[MrBond]

I think it's more like she feels the void of the OM and is looking at something to fill it. She hasn't apologized for her behavior so when someone else comes along she's going to go to him rather than stay with OIN.

Continue with the positives and show her the bright spots of living with you OIN.

[Allen A]

I think it's more like she feels the void of the OM and is looking at something to fill it. She hasn't apologized for her behavior so when someone else comes along she's going to go to him rather than stay with OIN.

Continue with the positives and show her the bright spots of living with you OIN.

Mr Bond this has been debated to death already.. WS' VERY RARELY APOLOGIZE for their behaviour explicitly early on... and some never apologize at all...

It's not a realistic expectation to hear an apology at this time...

It follows from that, that the absence of an apology does not mean the WS is pursuant of another affair... All one can reasonably conclude is that they don't want to apologize at this time...

[OfficerInNeed]

Well huge blow up again...I am so tired of this I feel like just giving in at this point.

I get home from court my w walks downstairs looks at me then tells me an update of FIL GF and I walk out to the kitchen, w pulls from her pocket a phone and asks "what's this?"

I f'd up big time....


This morning I used a house phone in attempts to contact OM/OMW to find out if this had been reported of if they can confirm if W was spoken to...I got no answer. I failed to put the phone back on the receiver and left it in the bathroom...W hit redial and seen the number...

I was honest with her. Told her I was talking to my friend about something and he asked if my W had spoke to me about anything and he said how he overheard my W was going to get a "talking to" by a sup. I told W I was calling OM/OMW to confirm

W said "I want to know who he heard this from" and she demanded I call my friend and find out and I refused. W became upset.

W then started to accuse me of using house phone to call OMW allthe time so she cannot track the phone logs. Then she said how she believes I manipulate the phone logs.

W said how it is dumb that I can talk to omw and she cannit talk to him....I bit. I said how she just does not get it. If she never carried on with om there would be no calls. W started to feed me the friend line again.

I said "friends" don't carry on like you two have. I said "why is it that only you see it as something innocent but everybody else aroind you seen it as how it really was?". W said it does not matter what others thing and we can all think what we want and then she said "he made his decision to work on his marriage"

I expressed briefly how it was not right and in some instances infidelity explaining "friends don't talk on the phone fo hours behind their spouses backs" W then said "I talk to my father on the phone for an hour so I guess I am cheating then too?"

I attempted to explain my rational W played stupid with me. W starte to say how I am hiding things and she has nothing to hide...I was some tempted to bring up all the intel but held back but did bring up the saved messages on the phone...the song lyrics, poems and quotes and stupidly said "sorry he broke your heart"

W said she knew I deleted the messages, I admitted I did because it was of a time I was not thinking clearly. W said then I guess u were not thinking clearly for 10 years...and that just because I deleted the messages does not mean anything cause she told her father everything and mentioned about using it against me

I said I did not delete ur other messages intended for him...

She flipped on me....W said "do u everthing u are the one who broke my heart? And killed me inside to the point I will never be able to get over it that u ruined me?" And went on to bring up things from the past

W said "don't u think I have not tried to make it work by doing things with you and trying to be happy but I can't because of all the pain you caused I just can't be happy with you. Just because I like a quote does not mean it has to exactly apply to my life. Do you ever think that one day I hope to be in a fairy tale relationship. I use to think you were everything but not anymore I realize that I cannot be happy with you "

I said "I did not take our interactions as an attempt to reconcile, I did not know you even considered the thought"

W said " that because I am doing it the only way I know how to, the steps I need to take not the one those rediculous books you read suggest.". She mist had found my books...so I said

"Those books have helped me ou greatly and provided a better understanding on how to do things a healthy way"

W said "good pat yourself on the backn make someone else happy"

I said "my knowldge is you are onlytrying to co exist"

W brought up 10 years and what I put her through that she will never forget and she'll never be happy. That she knows how it really was with other male and I can think whatever I want ect....

Just 20 of pure chaos that I tried to walk away from but bit...I screwed up again W does not trust me and can careless if I can trust her because I can "think whatever I want"

Should I just come clean and tell her what I know or let her play dumb with me?

I am tired of holding onto hope when there is none and everytime I thonk there is progress I shoot myself in the foot and I hjave to start all over again...it is taking its toll on the both of us and I am sure she thinks it is not worth saving

I had left the house not saying anything to her

I am leaving a lot out...just cannot recall everything said right now