How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[ericmsant2]

Rlay -

First off I am sorry that you find yourself on these boards. I truly am! You need to realize that you are here for a reason. A reason that right now you cannot see. Before I go on allow me to introduce myself...

My name is Eric, I am a 40 yr old father of 3 wonderful children (S16, S14 and D9). I am currently legally separated from a 39 yr old women who I have been with for 19 years (M17 - our aniversary is coming up 6/5). In Oct of last year the bomb was dropped. I am still in the house and slated to be D sometime in Aug. I am a loving father and a MAN who has come to know WHO I AM. The WHO I AM is the key. I was born and raise in NY so I can be a little blunt. So I appolgive if my post offends you. All wise DBER's feel free to correct anything I post below.

Okay enought about me..

Rlay - I would like to tell you what I see in your situation but before I do I would like to show you your thread…..

You wrote on…

5/9 - “The PA has been the main focus of my thoughts”

on 5/11 “I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact he is having a PA”, “He sweet talks her like he use to me”, I keep wondering if he means it when he says he LOVES her and she is the love of his life”

on 5/15 – “He is continuing to sweet-talk the 19 YO and tell her he loves her”, “he is actively pursuing other women, as well”

on 5/16 – “While we sit and cry and live with so much pain, he pursues other women, rants at me, and blames me for everything”

on 5/17 - “He says that he hates my guts and doesn't see us ever getting back together. He likes the peace of not having a nagging, controlling, (blah blah blah) wife. He says all we did was argue and fight and that we're just not compatible”

again on 5/17 - “He is continually pursuing other women, sweet-talking many, "in love" with the 19 YO.”

On 5/19 – “He keeps suggesting to me to start dating (he mentions it EVERY time he talks to me),”

On 5/22 - “The main thing that hurts me is the other women thing. He is complaining that he is so lonely (the young OW is not single and just stringing my H along), and actively sweet-talking about three or four different women (lying to all o them that they're the "only one" he's talking to). He is dating, and thinks nothing about me or our kids or our marriage:-“

Rlay - What I see above is that your H is really in MLC. Do you really understand what this means? Have you accepted and I mean really accepted the fact that nothing YOU do can “snap his as* out of it”?

So the advice that everyone has given you here is….let me use some other posts….

Mermaid wrote on 5/7 “You need to take the focus off your h and put it on yourself.” “Take this time to grow and work on yourself.”

Mermaid wrote on 5/15 “Take the focus off of your h”

Lalxx wrote on 5/15 “Focus on you and your children”

Kara wrote on 5/15 “but we can certainly control how much we hurt ourselves.”

Marked Healed wrote on 5/16 “If it's MLC, your path is to work on yourself, make yourself happy,” and ” Take time for you”

Snodderly wrote on 5/16 “Detach a bit more”

True wrote on 5/16 “just detach more”

True wrote on 5/17 “You HAVE to detach more”

Market Healed wrote on 5/18 “Detach – SET YOUR GOALS”

True wrote on 5/18 - “This is why you have to take care of YOU”

Lostforward wrote on 5/20 “Time to start working on yourself.” This time is for you to use. You need to focus on you and the kids

Second chance wrote on 5/20 “The detachment and growth thing is really hard to do”

RLay – Everyone is telling you to DETACH, FOCUS on YOU and Work on YOU! Do you know why?
Okay before I give you my opinion let me show what happens when you DO NOT DETACH….(some more of your posts)

On 5/16 you wrote “I wish there was something I could do”

On 5/15 you wrote “I am feeling so hopeless right now”

On 5/16 you wrote “I am just so depressed and lost.”, “Today is just a bad day. I keep breaking down and crying”, “I guess it's just driving me crazy wondering if what my husband is doing”
“I feel so alone”

On 5/17 you wrote “I am still having a hard time letting go and detaching” and “from my last few posts it SEEMS like I am doing nothing but focusing on MLC H”

On 5/19 you wrote “This morning I am wondering what he's doing, thinking about the OW situation”, “Right now most of my thoughts are of him, what he's doing, why is he doing this to me, what can I do to get him back” and “I feel like I have no control over anything”

Rlay – I am sorry to say that you appear to be stuck. Sorry for being so blunt. Cat and other have pointed out that there is nothing that you can do to wake up your husband. Here is what I can tell you.

Open yourself up and explore yourself. Find out who Rlay is. Who were you before you met your H? I suspect that you were a wonderful women. As a matter of fact you still are. Why do I say? Cause anyone willing to go thru this MUST really love there spouse. So in my book that makes you wonderful.

Okay now let me get to a few other points…

IMO
1) You are afraid – afraid of the changes that may (but MUST) take place in your life.
2) You have not detached yet. Probably because of the fear.
3) You have not don’t the work on yourself yet. IMO because you spend every moment thinking about the OM and your H.

We all come here with the intent of saving our M. Hell most of us still want our M’s. But (sorry everyone for the use of BUT)…when you really detach and really do the work on yourself you will come to realize WHO YOU ARE. Then the fear goes away (okay not totally but almost). You begin to realize that once you do the work on yourself, you’ll feel better – not about the M per se but about YOU.

Guess what honey, this is really about YOU. Once YOU know and feel really comfortable with YOU – we’ll then….you will then be in a position to decide what YOU want to do. Stand or not to stand. All of this takes WORK. When you finally reach a point of healing of truly letting go and accepting that your H is gone (at least for now) and that your old M really must die in order for a new one to be formed, we’ll then you feel better.

None of this cr*p is easy – none of it. YOU WILL MAKE IT – if you do not RUN. Face this…stand up for yourself. Realize your mistakes in the M. I see that you are so focused on your H and OM that you are not really focused on you at all. Yes you feel pain. Many of us here have and continue to feel the pain. I wish I could tell you…do X, Y and Z and your M will survive. I can’t. What I can tell you is that if you focus on you and let H fix his own issues, well then I will guarantee that YOU will be in the drivers seat.

I have a few more things that I would like to post…so I’ll be back to you in a bit. Before I go…I leave you with this….

My friend True (hopefully he does not mind that I refer to his as a friend) and I are both in a similar place…that is (sorry True this really stuck with me)….we are sweet onions.

To enjoy an onion you have to peel it. When you peel it guess what happens…you CRY. Then once peeled and cooked you get to enjoy the sweet onions. Rlay…you need to get’s to peeling. Yes you will cry, yes it will hurt but YOU WILL MAKE IT and YOU will be grateful at some point when you realize how all of this will be a benefit to YOU.

Also, get you butt back in that house!

God Bless,
Eric