The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
Received emails from WAS family. Sheesh. They are not happy. They saw this coming a few years back although not to this extent. They believe it's because of her goals and selfishness. I agree, but that's not the whole story. It's more complicated I think. I think it played a large role, but that it also led to other MLC like issues. Is what it is.
Got home yesterday and WAS started grilling me about the weekend with the kids. Kept my answers short. She truly is lost and a monster. I see that now. I don't like admitting it, but she is. She seems to be looking for a way to take the kids from me. My instinct has yet to be wrong...
At least she stayed away last night. I like that more than anything. She seems to be changing, but only in how she interacts with me. I suspect the fight we had is still weighing on her and she doesn't like the answers she is coming up with.
As long as she takes it out on me by spending more time with the kids, that shouldn't be too bad. She seems to be acting curious about what I'm doing as well. I find my mail opened, and her asking questions of the kids about what I'm doing. Not comfortable with that, because I know she is looking for something to blame me about so she doesn't have be the one that left for no reason. I have nothing to give on that one. Sounds odd, but there was nothing according to my mc and according to me, after going through several years of searching for something to be my fault. I did what I did and would not do it differently. I realize I couldn't be perfect enough for her, because she is looking for a way to make it my responsibility. That doesn't keep in line with much of the DB mentality - there must be something I can change.... There is not. Except for the part where I try to make the relationship work with somebody who is unwilling to make it work.
Many irrational things, but too many to list. I see more coming. Would be nice to sell the house, but I suspect I'll still be there in a year's time.
Not a problem though - I'm doing well and seeing things very differently and realistically. I'm not bitter. I'm sometimes angry, but I don't feel the sadness as much any more. I feel I am starting to see things as they really are. No more lies to myself. No more trying to protect me from her behavior. I just am.
Trying to not go back and look over our marriage and see the negatives. That's a sure way to get to insanity. The short of it is that she changed and what we once had is no longer to be. So be it. We were happy once. We were very much in love for many years. It was a good marriage at one point.

I'm working on it. I'm enjoying things again and I am not letting the insanity get into my head. Seems to be infectious but I'm building antibodies

AJ